How to learn to live boldly in spite of fears

Most people fight fear every day. We want to change jobs, confess our love to someone, speak out against obvious injustice, but we are stopped by an inner voice that says that this does not make sense. He convinces us that we are not capable of creating the life we ​​dream of. Some call it fear, others use the words «anxiety», «stress», «discomfort». No matter what we call it, the algorithm does not change because of this: we want changes, but fears and worries prevent us from acting and lead to a dead end.

I’m sure we’re wrong about fear. We view them as something bad and try to get rid of them as soon as they arise. Instead, we should accept them as part of the process of change and start practicing courage. It will help you develop emotional resilience, follow your big dreams, and change your life.

The Habit of Courage

Courage is often considered an innate character trait. In fact, we can learn to practice it when faced with difficult situations — and therefore, gradually make it our habit.

When it comes to habits, we usually think of activities like brushing our teeth or exercising. But this also includes our behavioral responses that arise in response to emotions. For many people, it is natural to react to adversity based solely on feelings of fear. When we feel tension, the brain looks for the fastest and most effective way to get rid of it. We end up relying on solutions that have helped us quickly reduce stress in the past. These reactions include procrastination, which occurs when we doubt our abilities, and perfectionism, which ultimately leads to burnout.

Our brains love predictability. It is programmed to reward us for choosing familiar responses and behavior patterns. When you give up on a dream and instead choose something known and therefore safe, the brain relaxes and “rewards” you for it.

But there is another way to deal with fear that doesn’t require you to give up your true desires and goals. Understand that fear is an integral part of our lives. Set yourself up to work with him, not against him. Drawing on research on habit formation and stress mitigation and working with clients, I have developed four strategies to help you take the step towards courage.

1. Watch your body

Sweating palms, discomfort in the abdomen, a feeling of general discomfort are bodily signs of fear. You need to learn in time to recognize that the body is entering the “fear mode”, and work with feelings.

Meditation practices help with this — focused breathing and “scanning” of the body. It is important to capture the sensations in the body without trying to change or judge yourself for them. This will allow you to become freer, learn to better recognize the sources of fear and follow your goals.

If mindfulness doesn’t work for you, try dancing, running, yoga, stretching, hiking. Start giving your body more pleasure and accepting the sensations that arise in it. This will help you hear alarms in time.

2. Accept your inner critic

Many of us have a critic who constantly misinforms us about our abilities and convinces us that we are doomed to failure. Often we are not even aware that we hear his voice. If we notice it, we try to muffle or get rid of it. We can ignore him or, on the contrary, try to make everything perfect so that he has nothing to complain about.

This approach gives us temporary relief, but does not help to get rid of the critic, it is impossible. It would be more correct to begin to perceive this voice as that part of ourselves that is trying to attract our attention, and learn to listen to it.

If we learn to listen to the inner critic without the need to ignore or believe them unquestioningly, then we will be in a better position and we can learn important lessons. Keeping a diary of emotions, working with a coach or a psychotherapist will help you understand the origin of critical thoughts and get useful information without being captured by criticism.

3. Rewrite negative stories

We extract meaning from our experience and transform it into stories about how the world works. We retell them to ourselves, but they are not always objective and truthful. They only reflect our subjective view of life, coloring the experience, as if we are looking at it through colored glasses. Our stories depend on how we see the world around us and our place in it: whether we consider ourselves a victim or a fighter, whether we see a new experience as a danger or an opportunity, whether we believe that we can become braver.

It’s okay to accept your stories. Everyone has internal guidelines that help in life, but some stories only harm us. You have probably met those who argue like this: «Every person is selfish and thinks only of himself.» They look at the world through a dark lens and suspect others of bad intentions, counting slips and mistakes. It doesn’t help in life.

Fortunately, such stories can be changed. Are you used to doubting your abilities? Try to look at the situation through the eyes of a close friend. This will help you cope with stress and take the necessary step. This does not mean that real problems should be ignored. The essence of the strategy is in emotional regulation: do not get stuck thinking about what is going wrong, and do not give up your aspirations because of this. Fake optimism is useless, instead of «I can’t» try saying: «At least I’m willing to try.» Turn «It’s too hard for me» to «I need to work my way up to get through this.»

Changing negative attitudes will soon enough lead to the fact that you will begin to feel inner strength, experience more positive emotions and optimism, which in turn will increase your emotional endurance.

4. Create a community

To learn how to boldly go through life, you need the support of like-minded people, their help in difficult situations. When stories slow us down, keep us from moving forward, it is useful to talk with those who are doing the same work on themselves. They will help to notice that we have reached a dead end, and to realize what we are really capable of. Would you like to create such an environment? Carefully analyze your current relationship: with whom is it just convenient and familiar, and who shares your values ​​​​and seeks to cope with fears? There is nothing wrong with a relationship built on convenience, but a friendship based on shared values ​​provides the support needed to achieve a great goal.

Such people will help you notice that you are returning to old patterns of behavior based on fear, and will remind you of the big goal — to become bolder and more emotionally resilient.

Source: Greater Good Magazine.