Would you be able to forgive the person who made your life a real hell? The story of 50-year-old Briton Louise gives goosebumps.
Louise Allen still maintains the habit of closing her eyes in times of stress and counting to four – over and over, like a mantra, until she calms down. This is exactly what she did, when she was little, in order to survive the attacks of her mother’s rage, which could end not only with beatings, but also with sophisticated bullying, which the woman now recalls with shudder. Barbara was not her own mother, she took a girl from an orphanage in 1968. However, the baby did not see a better life.
Goosebumps and tears from the eyes
Louise recalls that she was not too afraid of the beatings, more terrible was another – the expectation of them. Her mother’s behavior was impossible to predict: it was dictated by outbursts of rage that rolled over Barbara like waves. The baby never knew what punishment an act or even just a word spoken too loudly might entail.
“I was on my guard all the time,” Louise recalls. – I tried to listen to the tone of her voice, to peer into her eyes, to watch the muscles on her face to see if the beatings awaited me today. To be honest, I even wanted them to happen, because then it was already possible to relax for a while. “
The beatings were familiar to Louise. However, her stepmother’s arsenal included much more sophisticated bullying … Barbara, for no reason or provocation, could force the girl to sit in an ice bath or go outside to eat mud from a puddle. Sometimes the woman tied her daughter to the bed with straps and forced her to take drugs. In case of refusal, of course, beatings followed.
“Once Barbara put me in a car and took me to the forest,” says Louise. “She just left me there, saying that she didn’t need me. Two elderly women who were walking there found me and took me home. Mother, as always, justified herself to them by the fact that it was very difficult for her with me. She always managed to pity people. “
The most amazing thing is that at the same time Barbara had a husband, and Louise was not the only child in the family. However, the girl’s adoptive father, Yang, was a weak person and preferred to turn a blind eye to what was happening. Brother William was also adopted in the family and was subjected to the same bullying by his mother.
Running away from home
The older brother decided to stop bullying his mother and, as a teenager, left home. Louise was very upset about parting with William. Now she realized that she was left all alone. At this time, the girl began to seek solace in art.
“I started painting a lot to express my feelings,” says Louise. “Afraid to return home, I walked for hours to art galleries, absorbing plots, colors and mood.”
The only friend of the girl was the Labrador dog. He adored the hostess and was always by her side. Once a dog even saved Louise from an attack.
She killed my only friend. This was the last straw
“It happened at night when I was walking through the park. The man tried to pounce on me and rape, but my dog Blue rushed at him, and he ran away, – the woman recalls. – When I came home and told everything to my mother, she said that it was my own fault, as I dress and look like a walking woman. At that time I was a teenager and just started to paint, like all my peers. But my mother saw in me what she wanted to see. “
Shortly after this incident, Louise’s dog disappeared. It turned out that Barbara put him to sleep. This story was the last straw. The girl decided to leave home. She was 16 years old, and she and her boyfriend went to Portsmouth, where he planned to go to university. Since then, Louise has had to change many jobs – dishwashers, waitresses, cleaning ladies. As a result, she was able to save money for admission to the Portsmouth School of Art.
Forgiveness and Compassion
Louise Allen was able to get her dream profession and became an art critic. She is 50 years old and is married to the 54-year-old graphic designer Lloyd. Louise has two sons – 13-year-old Jackson and 10-year-old Vincent. She is also a stepmother for her husband’s daughters from her first marriage.
“When I brought my son Jackson to meet with Barbara, she said she thought I was a good mother,” Louise says. “She didn’t apologize for my childhood, but she told me about hers, and I realized that she also deserves sympathy.”
Incredibly, despite all the hell in which Louise had to exist for so long, she was able to find the strength to forgive her mother. Some time after fleeing home, she returned to help Barbara, whose health at that time was failing.
“I rented a house not far from her, dragged her out of town. She became so fragile and vulnerable. We talked a lot. No, she didn’t apologize, but her story about life explained everything. It turned out that Barbara’s childhood was as terrible as mine. At the age of 12, she was raped by her own father and became pregnant. The boy who was born was given to her younger brother. Since then, Barbara started having mental problems, and she began to take various medications. She swallowed the pills in handfuls, which caused wild fits of rage. It was necessary to be treated, but she ignored everything. No, Barbara never once apologized for everything that happened. But then for the first time she said “thank you” to me. Therefore, I cannot say that I forgave her, but I understood her. “
Barbara’s husband died quite early, and the woman was left completely alone. Louise saved her tormentor mother from loneliness and took care of her until her death in 2012. Barbara passed away at the age of 86.