How to learn to accept help

Recently, a study was published on how the fear of empathy affects people’s behavior in difficult times. Scientists interviewed 85 female students at a major Canadian university. It turned out that those who are afraid of sympathy rarely share with friends and family what is happening to them.

And this is a serious problem: social support helps us cope with difficulties and recover from them. A US study found that a lack of social support increases susceptibility to mental illness and threatens physical health more than long-term smoking. Friends and relatives also protect us from excessive self-criticism. They remind us that we are safe, we are important and we have everything ahead of us – this is necessary to overcome a difficult situation.

Another study showed that people who are afraid of becoming the object of sympathy often suppress their emotions. This habit is fraught with the occurrence of cardiovascular diseases and the development of alexithymia – difficulty in recognizing one’s own and others’ emotions.

Why do some of us reject empathy? They worry that the other person will not support them, ignore them, or see the problem as frivolous. Often the roots of this can be found in childhood: parents could ignore the child, treat him rudely, not help him. In addition, according to modern socio-cultural ideas, we must be resilient and self-sufficient. To accept empathy is to acknowledge vulnerability.

Some of us are generally reluctant to discuss situations in which we felt humiliated or defeated. They perceive them as evidence of complete failure and are afraid that sharing personal problems will only make them feel worse.

The healing power of self-compassion

The most effective way to get rid of the fear of empathy is to become kinder to yourself. As part of an experiment conducted by the journal Mindfulness, researchers divided participants into three groups and gave them the task of writing for 10 minutes about events that they recall as shameful or humiliating.

The first group was instructed to analyze the experience from a self-compassionate standpoint: to look at these situations through the eyes of an external observer and to treat themselves with kindness and support, as they would treat a close friend. The second group was told to think about their self-esteem during the writing process. The third group simply described their experience.

Participants rated how sad and depressed they felt before and after the exercise. Those who practiced self-compassion felt better after the experiment. Writing with an emphasis on self-compassion reduced negative emotions even among participants who feared empathy. The other two groups did not show similar changes.

After the first task, the participants were asked to write another letter about their hard experience. The subjects were told that they would have to pair up, exchange letters and discuss their contents. Before writing, the participants assessed how dangerous it is for them to share their story. The more frightened the participant was, the more terrified he was at the prospect of writing and showing the letter. However, in the group where self-compassion was practiced, this relationship was almost non-existent.

“Self-compassion increases self-confidence and strengthens a sense of connection with others,” the researchers noted. “This practice helped the participants feel safe and reduce the severity of the threat, which allowed them to trust others more and be honest with them.”

If you want to get rid of the fear of empathy and learn how to accept help, start compassion for others. Empathy is very rewarding for what it gives, so it’s a skill that’s definitely worth cultivating.

Source: Greater Good Magazine.