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In childhood, many were scolded for mistakes so often that, even as adults, we are afraid of making a mistake. However, any failure can be viewed as an invaluable experience. How to learn to forgive yourself and benefit even from mistakes?
It’s okay to err. All people do it. In some cases, it is a mistake that leads to a step forward. So, for example, flasks with bacteria forgotten in the laboratory led to the discovery of penicillin, and an incorrectly laid course led Columbus to America instead of India.
All this is so. But being carried away by the ideas “to make a mistake is even good” and “just think, you made a mistake, it happens to everyone”, you should not forget about something else. After all, sometimes the price of a mistake is quite high for us or another person. An example is the carelessness of the driver on the road.
There are also less tragic situations when we make mistakes and, avoiding feelings of guilt or shame in front of others, dismiss: “It’s okay to make mistakes.” Of course it’s okay. But it is important to work on the mistakes.
Psychotherapist Amy Morin, bestselling author of 13 Things Strong Men Do, offers a five-step program.
1. Realize the depth of the error
If we kissed a colleague at a corporate party, cheating on a partner, you should not look for excuses for yourself in the amount of alcohol you drink. And if, due to negligence, we let the team down, we don’t need to start with the words “they don’t pay enough anyway.”
To be faithful (if you agreed on monogamy) and to fulfill your duties is your task. If you have spent your entire salary and have nothing to pay for a mortgage, you don’t need to scold banks for a high percentage. It’s time to take responsibility for your actions.
2. Motivate yourself
In order to proceed further, it is important for us to understand: why, in fact, do we need this work on the bugs? We regret what happened at the corporate party and want to save the relationship? Are you determined to earn a reputation as a responsible employee? Want to fit into the budget next month? Do you intend to live in harmony with your values and in harmony with your conscience?
3. Ask yourself uncomfortable questions
We realized that we were mistaken, and we are annoyed with ourselves. But at what stage “it all went wrong”? A detailed analysis of the situation will help to avoid its recurrence. So ask yourself…
- At what point did the situation take a turn that led to the error?
- What could I have done differently in this situation?
- What have I learned?
4. Make a plan of action
Awareness of responsibility does not mean self-flagellation. Healthy guilt for causing inconvenience or heartache to others should not escalate into toxic shame. This will not be of any use to you or to others.
It will be much more effective to draw up a plan of action. It can start with working through a healthy sense of guilt. It usually involves apologizing to who we have harmed and seeking ways to make amends.
The main part of the plan should be devoted to how to act in order to prevent a similar mistake in the future. Moreover, the more we compose it, the more effective this practice will work.
5. Make it harder for yourself to make mistakes.
This applies to mistakes that we repeat regularly. Amy Morin cites the example of a client who routinely went beyond her monthly budget by shopping online and spending money on items she didn’t need.
The woman acted creatively: she froze her credit cards in a large ice cube and put it in the freezer. Before paying in an online store, she had to wait until the ice melted, and during this time she had time to change her mind, remember her plan and avoid another stupid waste.
Of course, we all make mistakes, because we are living people. However, only by admitting our mistakes and working on them, we reduce the risk that our actions will harm ourselves and those around us.