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Have you ever discounted your own emotions and questioned your own memories? Then this text is for you.
After any conflict with others, 42-year-old Anna notices two features in herself. First, she doesn’t take her feelings seriously. Secondly, she immediately begins to think that she “reacted too violently to everything”, “took everything too close to her heart”. And the more vulnerable she feels, the more pronounced these reactions are.
“Before, everything was even worse: I let others treat me just awful, because I thought that I was “winding” myself and in fact everything was not as bad as it seemed to me, ”recalls the woman.
“Well, yes, I’m just a loser, both in work and in my personal life,” adds 27-year-old Maria. “Whatever I do, I am sure that no one will like it, and the job that I dream of is simply too tough for me.”
Anna and Maria’s Behavior Has a Name: Self-Gaslighting
You are most likely already familiar with the term «gaslighting» (and if not, you can read about it, for example, here). These are attempts by one person to make another doubt their own adequacy. So, when self-gaslighting, we devalue our own feelings and question our own memories, perceptions and our reality.
HOW TO NOTICE THE SIGNS OF GASLIGHTING
“Have you ever had a difficult experience and then convinced yourself that nothing really happened? Telling yourself that you’re just too sensitive and tend to «dramatize»? This is one of the main signs of self-gaslighting,” explains clinical psychologist Brit Barkholz.
Easily losing self-confidence, such people quickly begin to doubt what actually happened and who was to blame. They ask questions: “Was it true or did I make it all up? Maybe it was my fault? Was it really that bad?
“In addition, self-gaslighting people generally do not trust themselves, their feelings and perceptions. They doubt that they did everything right and need confirmation from the outside; over and over again they scroll through different situations in their heads, looking for something to scold themselves for, ”clinical psychologist Kathleen Campbell complements the words of a colleague.
We usually begin to feel this way about ourselves after someone else — a parent, partner, colleague or boss — has planted these thoughts in our head, systematically questioning our adequacy and competence, devaluing our feelings. “As a result, gaslighting ourselves becomes a habit: we begin to doubt ourselves and our reality on our own,“ without the help of ”the abuser,” Barkholz comments.
AND HOW TO FIGHT IT
“Unfortunately, in most cases, psychotherapy is indispensable — simply because such thoughts and attitudes towards ourselves have long become automatic, and it is very difficult to understand what is really “ours” and what we have borrowed from outside,” says Campbell. — You can try to cope with everything on your own, but most likely, the internal resistance will be too great. The therapist will help you regain confidence in yourself.”
However, there are a number of things that you can learn to do on your own.
Track Similar Thoughts
“We all gaslight ourselves in different ways. And it is important to understand how exactly you do it — with what words, expressions, in what situations, — says Barkholts. “The better you study your own patterns, the easier it will be for you to do a “check with reality” and stop the flow of such thoughts in time when faced with a powerful trigger.”
One way to improve this skill is to keep a diary. Write down your thoughts in it and try to analyze whether they are attempts at self-gaslighting. And even if it is, don’t judge yourself!
By becoming aware of your patterns, you can form a circle of support—a group of people you can turn to when you realize that you have begun to discount your feelings and question your version of events again.
Promise yourself not to judge, but to support yourself
Instead of questioning whether you are really entitled to certain emotions, try simply accepting them. Remind yourself that you have the right to feel the way you feel.
“You can say so yourself: now I feel hopeless, and I’m also very sad. And this is normal, I have every right to do so, advises Campbell. “Only by acknowledging our emotions can we deal with them.”
Talk to yourself the same way you would talk to a friend
It takes time and hard work to readjust, so be patient and treat yourself with love, kindness, and acceptance, just as you would treat a friend in a similar situation. “Imagine that someone close to you was in your place,” Campbell suggests. What would you say to him or her? How did you support?
Maria says that she tries to question negative thoughts: “Why did I get the idea that this job is too tough for me? Why do I think that new colleagues will not like me? This helps the girl regain control over her thoughts and feelings.
It is also helpful to repeat affirmations along the lines of, “I trust myself and my feelings. My emotions are important. I am a good person»
Self-compassion is not easy, especially if you have never done it before. But it leads to incredible results: it increases our resilience, improves relationships with others, and generally makes us happier.
Most importantly, remember that self-gaslighting doesn’t make you «bad». It happened, and it’s not your fault. Do not be discouraged if the first steps do not lead to outstanding results. It is a long way, but the road, as you know, will be mastered by the walking one.
Three books on gaslighting and self-care
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