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Sometimes our own worst enemy is ourselves. Instead of being supportive, we push ourselves into a swamp of guilt and shame. For example, having become a victim of abuse or being in an unhealthy relationship, we stubbornly continue to believe that we deserved it all. How to understand that this is your case too, and what to do next?
Let’s start with the main thing: the victim is not to blame. Never. We are ready to repeat this again and again, which, alas, does not change the fact that we often act irresponsibly towards ourselves. We ignore alarm bells, allow others to violate our boundaries (including physical ones), endure pain, disrespect, and the fact that our basic needs are not being met.
Behind this may be our fears or, on the contrary, a deep belief that we can change the one who is nearby, that our love will conquer everything. But the fact remains: perhaps not only the one who is nearby is toxic. Perhaps we ourselves are toxic to ourselves, and the other skillfully uses it.
How we allow others to treat us, whether we understand our needs and how we communicate them to others is also our responsibility. So if you want your next relationship to be healthy and safe, the best place to start is with yourself.
What are the signs that you can understand that you are toxic to yourself?
1. You don’t put yourself first.
We were taught that being selfish is bad and we should take care of others. And many realized too late that no one will ever put us in a priority if we do not demand it. If you live in the interests of others, adjust to your family and friends without thinking about your needs, this means that you are most likely toxic towards yourself and it’s time to change.
Of course, after decades of ignoring one’s own interests, this will not be easy, but there is no other way. It’s not about becoming the narcissistic “center of the world” and start completely neglecting other people’s interests. But it’s time to finally respect yourself and take care of yourself.
2. You doubt your judgment and assessment of reality
There are things that we understand instinctively and “feel in the gut”: for example, when someone is unpleasant to us at first sight or the situation is alarming. This built-in “sensor” is designed to protect us. And if you try to ignore his signals, trying to rationally explain to yourself why you are “winding yourself up”, you are putting yourself in danger. Learn to trust yourself and act instinctively if there is a feeling that something is not right.
3. You pay too much attention to what others think.
We grow and develop in society. And we learn to make the first judgments about ourselves, depending on what others think and say about us. However, an adult needs a balance between external and internal self-assessment.
We used to think that in the modern world everyone is closely watching what we do – on social networks or in real life. Unfortunately or fortunately, this is not the case. Everyone is busy with himself, and the vast majority simply do not care about our problems.
It’s OK to seek adequate feedback from others, but don’t make it your only source of judgment about yourself. Don’t let others make you feel like you’re not good enough.
4. You do not know your own boundaries or do not know how to defend them.
The victim (again, she is never to blame!) is often inclined to justify the one who violates her boundaries. “He didn’t know,” “he didn’t mean it,” “he didn’t mean to hurt me at all.” She stays silent when hurt, just to avoid conflict. So sooner or later, all these violations of boundaries become the norm, and the boundaries themselves are more and more blurred, erased.
It is important to determine for yourself what you need, what is important to you and what kind of treatment you will not tolerate from anyone and never. And clearly communicate this to others. Otherwise, there is a risk that the other will sooner or later violate your boundaries, even if unintentionally. Don’t hint. Don’t wait for the person to read your mind or guess. Speak out loud, clearly and clearly.
5. You settle for less than you really need.
“We accept the love we think we deserve,” wrote Stephen Chbosky in The Good of Being Quiet. How right he is! We often step on the same rake, fall in love with similar people who cause us the same pain again and again, because we are sure that we are not worth another. We agree to a compromise, considering ourselves unworthy of love, attention and a normal attitude.
What can be done about it? Set your expectations and never lower the bar.
6. You rarely say no.
Practice shows that a variety of people do not know how to refuse: both empaths, and those who always and in everything strive to please others, and those who are completely unsure of themselves. When they say “yes,” they take the easy way out in a certain sense—avoiding conflict and appearing “good” to others.
But by constantly agreeing to the requests of others, you deprive yourself of the time and resource to determine what you really want. Every “no” is an opportunity to say “yes” to a thousand different things. But instead, you prioritize the interests of the other and submit to the will of others.
Learn to say no, do it confidently and often – and without the slightest regret. This is the best way to build a healthy relationship with the most important person in your life – yourself.
To sum up
Prioritize yourself, trust your gut, don’t question your decisions, set and defend boundaries, never settle for less than you want, and decisively reject anything that doesn’t suit you. Learn to take care of yourself, spend time and energy on yourself, value yourself and then listen to what others have to say about you.
Don’t let toxicity – especially your own – poison your life!