Contents
How to know if we have stopped being friends
Psychology
Distance and obligations can make it difficult to keep friendly relationships in shape.
There are friendships so intense, with so many ups and downs and temporary to overcome, that they have nothing to envy to the most famous romances. There are friends that always stay with us, whatever time passes. We all fondly remember our best childhood friend, the friends we gained as teenagers, and sometimes lost.
Friendship is one of the strongest and most ingrained concepts in our society. If a thousand books, movies, or songs stand on the idea of romantic love, friendship is no less. There are few series that have succeeded and transcended in the way that “Friends” does. There are so many series based on groups of friends (“Girls”, “The Big
Bang Theory ”,“ Sex and the City ”,“ How I Met Your Mother ”…) that naming them all is an impossible task. The three wizard friends with whom several generations of children have grown up, the wonderful friends who are eaten by thousands every day … friendship is one of the concepts that we most appreciate in our life. We drink from it in fiction and many times we establish pillars of our personality in those we trust the most.
But, just as there are those who, no matter how much in love they are, end up breaking up, friendship relationships are not immune to the wear and tear of time. After all, we are talking about relationships in which affection and trust are the pillars. Friendship is a “couple relationship” that both parties must work to preserve and sometimes, even if it is difficult for us to accept it, things end; also friends.
Types of friendships
The psychologist Luz Marina Díaz-Flores, from Alcea Psicólogos, goes back to Aristotle’s knowledge to explain that we can classify friendships into three main types: those that are based on the pleasure of mutual company (pleasure friendships), those that do so on the usefulness of association (useful friendships), and those that are based on reciprocal admiration (virtue friendships).
If we want analyze the state of a friendship relationship, the psychologist urges that it be considered in an intimate and sincere way. If we talk about pointing out what makes us believe that a friendship is deteriorating, Díaz-Flores comments that, depending on the type of friendship (of the three mentioned) we are faced with, we will find one indicator or another. If friendship is functional, the deterioration will begin at the moment in which this functional element disappears. “For example, if a group of friends get together to teach English, once that element disappears, the relationship can be in jeopardy,” he explains.
«If the friendship that pursues is the pleasure of the mutual company, the pleasure will depend on the maintenance of that lack on the part of both. The moment other people appear, the bond will weaken ”, says the professional, who finally talks about the friendships of virtueThose he calls the “strongest”, since they are founded on trust and deep courage. “In this case, the cracks are caused by the breach of trust,” he points out.
How to take care of a friendship
In order not to reach this point of deterioration, it is very important take care of our friendship relations as if it were a couple. The psychologist Sheila Estévez, a specialist in emotional conflicts, lists the factors that play a role among friends, these being: affection, tolerance, understanding, setting clear limits so as not to be invaded, relating symmetrically, generating complicity and being true to oneself and forged it with the other person.
«When we feel that a relationship is in danger, different points of view, if they are well channeled by both parties, make the bond we share matures and level up », explains the professional. Therefore, as in the rest of things in life, communication is essential to be able to grow with a friendship and not allow it to wear out. “The common goal should focus on continuing to grow and mature together but from a more current version, which will reduce conflicts by talking about them before the link is broken,” adds Estévez.
One of the problems that many friends face, especially the older ones, is the distancing. Leaving university behind, changing jobs, having children and more and more obligations … we are moving forward in life, avoiding obstacles, and we must strive not to do it alone. «It depends on many factors the cHow to manage distance with someone who is not close to us, but it is still present in our lives and we want it to continue like this, ”explains Sheila Estévez. For this reason, it is important to take into account what it is that unites us to that person, if we continue to be like-minded, we have clear our priorities and, of course, good communication. “It is essential to expose what you feel, avoiding judging and letting yourself be carried away by resentment,” he adds.
The difficulty of accepting the end
Sometimes, even if a friendship wears out and we are not able to use the possible mechanisms to maintain it, we refuse to let it go. Luz Marina Díaz-Flores comments that this, on the one hand, depends on the type of bond we have established with the other person, and on others, because «there seems to be an intimate need in humans to restore error and of assuming costs. “It could also happen that the person does not see future paths and is blinded by the joy of the moments lived,” he warns. Sheila Estévez adds that those who decide to continue to maintain friendships that are broken, for whatever reason, are not accepting reality, they are getting stuck in denial, and this is something that in the future will become frustration and resentment.
Friendships that begin to show signs of wear and tear often end in an inevitable “breakup,” which leads to a grieving process. “If this happens, the idea is to try to be equanimous, playing with fair criteria the causes that produced the rupture, but this is something that does not usually happen, since the safest thing is that we stay fixed on the emotional wound”, explains Luz Marina Díaz-Flores. For this reason, he urges us to achieve this “state of equanimity” that allows us judge the situation rationally. Also, it talks about the importance of being able to keep the good things that friendship brought us. “Surely there are many moments of value that deserve to be preserved in our memory despite the fact that that friendship is no longer there”, he says and concludes: “But if the pain or the wound remains in time and prevents us from re-establishing new ties, maybe there is something deeper that needs to be analyzed.