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How to know if I am under the influence of a toxic person
Psychology
An important factor is to understand that when someone is called a ‘toxic person’, it is done from a colloquial language
There are terms and words that, without our realizing it, find their way into the collective imagination and, almost overnight, are on everyone’s lips. Now there is much talk about the ‘red flags’ of a potential partner, about ‘ghosting’ or, for example, about ‘toxic people’.
At first, when speaking of a toxic person, you can feel that the idea is being oversized, as it is a quite aggressive term and it seems to be used lightly. So, many times more than referring to toxic people, we talk about people who “emit toxicity”, as explained by psychologist Rafael San Román, from the ‘ifeel’ app. In general, we call a person ‘toxic’ when “we perceive when we interact with them that the relationship ends up being problematic, makes us feel bad or, directly, abuses or manipulates us.”
Further, the psychologist points out that many also consider someone ‘toxic’ when they feel that a person is always sad, even bitter, victimizing, passive or disappointed, for example. “If all that someone gives off is negativity or pessimism and demotivation, although technically they do not treat us badly, nor do we feel ‘trapped’ in the relationship, it is not good either,” the professional relapses. In addition, a ‘toxic’ person can be considered someone who is difficult to communicate with, is very authoritarian or selfish, who abuses our trust and always tries to maliciously lead us to his ground or who, in whatever way, treats us badly, makes us uncomfortable or robs us of energy.
An important factor is to understand that when someone is called a ‘toxic person’, it is done from a colloquial language. “In psychology we would talk about the negative or destructive effect that certain traits of someone’s personality, or lack of interpersonal skills, have on their relationships, and therefore on their well-being and that of their environment,” says Rafael San Román. In addition, there may be people who, depending on who they surround themselves with, have more or less harmful behaviors. «We do not behave exactly the same in all scenariosNot all people awaken the same facets in us; that is why we can be toxic or destructive in some relationships and, nevertheless, function with relative quality in others ”, explains the professional.
Why a relationship turns toxic
Eg we may have ‘toxic’ behaviors with our partner, but have good friendships. Or have an unhealthy dynamic with our parents, but a healthy relationship with a partner. “Obviously, the more extreme the differences between our relationships, the more suspicious it is, but it is clear that this versatility exists,” says the psychologist.
Labeling a person ‘toxic’ is something that, of course, cannot be done lightly. Rafael San Román advises that, first of all, let us become aware of how we feel around that person, “Not in a timely manner, because anyone can have a bad day.” Then comes the time to determine, if it does not make us feel good, if the reason is that person, or we are ourselves. “You have to take the pulse of the relationship by taking ourselves the pulse: when I am with this person, do I tend to feel significantly discouraged, scared, annulled, uncomfortable, misunderstood, manipulated …?”, Explains the psychologist, who comments that we can then ask if this happens because of how that person behaves, or if it is something derived, for example, from our fears or a lack of assertiveness.
“In general, it is about spinning the fine line and observing when a person is honest or not, when he is flexible, if he listens and gives space to the other or tries to monopolize power in the relationship, if he treats me well or treats me badly (or me presumably treats well but in reality it is pure paternalism to feel better and have me tied …). There are no perfect thermometers (Unless the person clearly insults and mistreats, that is objective), beyond the first point: if I repeatedly tend to feel uncomfortable in the relationship, something happens.
If we identify that a person is toxic, or we do not have a healthy dynamic with them, it is difficult, but it is best to make the decision to move away from them. There are three factors to face when deciding that we want to forget a person: what role they occupy in our life, what dependence we have on them and if our relationship is limited to both of them or if we have a common environment. “If the person who is toxic to me is an isolated friend, it is relatively easy to take him away from me once I have become aware that I have more to do than join in,” explains Rafael San Román. But, he points out that when the toxic person is our mother, our partner or a member of the usual group of friends, it is not so easy to cut. «What you have to do is, for now, transform the relationship and later see if it is necessary to continue taking steps towards distancing», Recommends. To achieve this, there are many steps, not always easy. Some of them, the psychologist comments, are:
How to get away from a toxic person
–Learn to differentiate yourself from that person and take real distance and symbolically.
–Inform yourself at a ‘theoretical’ level about how are healthy relationships and how are the toxic ones.
-Learn to put limits to the inertia that will exist between us to get closer again.
«If the toxic relationship becomes too difficult to end then you have to have professional help, specialized, of a psychologist who can accompany us in the process of seeing what is happening “, recommends to finalize the professional.