Contents
How to carry love, trust and passion for each other through worldly storms and family routine? There is no single recipe. But you can use the experience of couples who have found their way to happiness together.
To maintain the sharpness of feelings and mutual interest after five, ten, fifteen years of marriage — is it possible? Or should we accept the fact that love inevitably turns into a habit? But if romance leaves the relationship, only obligations remain in marriage. And such unions sooner or later become obsolete. Is it possible to avoid the degeneration of love into routine, and passion into indifference? According to psychotherapist Esther Perel, author of Captive Breeding, the secret is to find a balance between our need for freedom and self-expression on the one hand, and our desire for intimacy and connection with a partner on the other. Here are some secrets from those who did it
- What is your age in love?
They maintain the state of «love-blindness»
When we fall in love with someone, it seems that our chosen one is perfection itself. He appears in our eyes as the most attractive, intelligent, cheerful. And then, if the feelings are mutual, the relationship develops progressively: we strive to merge together, forgetting about the boundaries and ignoring the points of disagreement. But time passes, and the focus changes: differences in tastes and views become more and more noticeable, and what seemed like a cute quirk begins to annoy. And this is where many people make a mistake — they take the uniqueness of a partner as a sign of his «alienity» and with a sigh go in search of a more suitable option. But the same thing happens with the other partner.
Psychologist Marcel Zentner and his colleagues at the University of Geneva studied nearly 500 compatibility studies of couples and found no particular combination of personality traits that determine the longevity of a union — with one exception: the ability to maintain «positive illusions»1. Men and women who, even after the first years of marriage, continued to believe that their partner was ideal for them in almost all respects, not only remained together until old age, but were also pleased with each other. Of course, this does not mean that we should turn a blind eye to the inappropriate behavior of a spouse. But excessive criticality (under the guise of objectivity, directness, or even concern for others) in the end threatens to turn into loneliness and disappointment in people.
- What women are lucky in love
They are always looking for something new
Boredom can be a serious problem for romantic relationships. Monotonous meetings at dinner, an on-duty bouquet of flowers on March 8, weekends spent in exhausting shopping trips — all this creates a feeling of routine, alienation and stirs up mutual discontent. In one study, partners who complained of boredom after seven years of marriage were less happy and satisfied with their relationship after nine years. On the contrary, couples who tried all the time to look for a source of new impressions and sensations, in spite of everything, retained interest in each other.
Bringing a breath of fresh air into a relationship doesn’t require adventurous travel, mountain climbing, or skydiving. You can start with a small adventure: turn your spouse’s birthday into a game of guessing riddles, sign up for a dance studio together, make unexpected gifts. Do not forget about sex: there is room for experimentation here too. It is no coincidence that many are excited by role-playing games. The opportunity to temporarily get rid of a common story, to be someone else and imagine a loved one in the form of a mysterious stranger only fuels mutual attraction.
- Men prefer smart and educated
They value each other’s freedom
We are looking for support and care in the family. But the thought that a partner needs us and cannot even live without us prevents us from seeing him as a lover. Romance in marriage is blunted. What gives us parental feelings at the same time reduces the erotic impulse, says psychotherapist Esther Perel. “Fire needs air. Desire needs space. If you want to keep the passion, respect the freedom of your partner,” she advises.
First, take a look at your partner. What interests him? What fascinates him, what is the source of passion for him? “When we see a loved one in his element, he is transformed and becomes beautiful,” says Esther Perel. — Support his hobbies. Show him that you admire his success. Remember: our passion for life is not only something that inspires us and gives us energy. If we ourselves feel free, bright, creative, we become more attractive to a partner.”
- Joint life: 5 questions before the start
They are not too serious
Couples who value the opportunity to have a good laugh and occasionally banter with each other are more likely to maintain a warm relationship. For many, a sense of humor is a great way not only to cheer up yourself and your partner, but also to defuse tension or avoid conflict. Of course, here you need to take into account your compatibility: some couples like to fool around, others prefer intellectual humor and arrange virtuoso verbal battles, others do not arrange funny pranks on each other. “Laughter is a manifestation of the playful side of relationships,” explains Laura Kurtz, a social psychologist at the University of South Carolina, “This is the key to its therapeutic effect: laughter opens up our inner child, removes psychological defenses and allows us to be themselves.» What role does laughter play in your relationship? Try experimenting: come up with funny nicknames for each other, watch a good comedy on a Sunday night. And if your partner says something that annoys you, try responding with a joke instead of getting defensive.
1 Journal of Personnality and Social Psychology, 2005, vol. 89.