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At first, you could still joke about the baby boom 9 months after quarantine. But after a few days under house arrest, thousands of couples around the world discovered how difficult it turns out to be in general to maintain normal relationships. It’s not like getting into romance. What’s up baby boom! Do not get divorced at the end of the quarantine regime and not be killed. The Chinese, who have already come out of the epidemic, according to media reports, have gone through a terrible wave of divorces, 10 applications a day are submitted to each registry office. And there are especially many divorces where there was the most stringent quarantine. What happens when we are locked up, and what measures to take so as not to destroy the relationship?
Psychologist tips
Firstly, outside the door of the apartment is practically martial law. Two risk factors are constantly present that create a high alarming background: the risk of infection itself and the fear that you may be detained due to violation of the self-isolation regime. This immediately sets an uncomfortable environment of constant, high levels of stress. And each person against this background activates his cockroaches, stories from the past, his fears.
Secondly, the uncertainty in the future. This is the most difficult one. What’s next? And when will it end? The forecasts of epidemiologists are vague, but the economic ones are quite specific – belts should be tightened. This is also fertile ground for fears and anxieties.
Thirdly, we are used to running away from difficult moments in our relationships. In work, in communication with friends, movies, walks. When we find ourselves locked up 24/7, then all the old contradictions, unfinished disputes and resentments are exposed, crawl out, and you can’t escape from them. Relationships have to be sorted out. And not in a calm state, but against the backdrop of terrible stress.
Instead of romance, people start screaming, dumping their tension on each other. Accusations and resentment grow like a snowball. How to survive and maintain relationships in quarantine?
1. Make allowances for the overall situation
The first step is to acknowledge what we are going through right now. From the point of view of psychologists, we are currently in a state of psychological trauma, inside a traumatic situation. For example, it may seem to us that now we see the true face of a loved one when he screams and accuses. But it’s not, it’s his face in stress and trauma. His real face is when everything was calm, stable and understandable. It’s hard to control yourself when you’re under stress. A native person may say wild things, but he does not think so, and it is very important not to take his words to heart, to make allowances for the general situation.
2. Save resources
It is pointless and harmful to sort things out and make decisions at such a moment. We need to focus, as psychologists say, on resources. Resources for us are everything that warms, strengthens ties, gives pleasure, supports, in a word. Friends, people who love us, favorite activities, pleasant hobbies. A morning cup of tea or cappuccino is also a resource if it warms you up. Try to answer the question: what has always helped you in life and what keeps you afloat? It can be serious things, and some small daily rituals. The same question can be asked to a spouse or parents, to talk about each other’s resources. This conversation is very close.
3. “Let’s be afraid together”
Remember the cartoon about the kitten? Gava and his phrase “Let’s be afraid together.” Right now it is very relevant. You can live through scary times, either breaking down at each other, or living feelings together. The second option is more healing. So talk about your feelings out loud, they say, how scary, how anxious, etc. You see that your loved one can’t stand it, is about to break loose, tell him: “I understand you, it’s hard for you, you are anxious. And I’m anxious, and it’s hard for me, but it’s good that we are there and together we will endure everything. ”
There is also a magical phrase addressed to a spouse: “You manage as best you can, but you manage.” And to himself: “I’m doing the best I can, but I’m doing it.” Usually, after this simple phrase, a person exhales with relief. She gives strength. Because you really do it!
4. Set boundaries
An additional stress factor is the disturbed habitual order of life. It was not for nothing that a wave of photos went on social networks, they say, I’m going to work, and I myself stand in the bathroom, dressed in a street style, holding on to the shower curtain rod, like a handrail, and reading a book. Many continue to work remotely, but it is more difficult to do it at home. After all, home is the place where we relax from work. And if we work here, it is as if we are losing our home, a safe non-working space. Here the boundaries of the house – work are violated and the boundaries in relations with the household begin to crumble.
Therefore, it is important to stipulate and draw these boundaries. Here is a specific desktop – this is now an office, you can even enclose it for the duration of work. This will help not to turn the whole house into an office. And tell your relatives the hours during which you are not there – you are working. When the boundaries are not specified, then conflicts begin to arise literally out of the blue.
5. Accept reality and relax
“Let it be” is such a psychological formula for comfort and agreement with reality. What else often causes scandals in families? “Well, what a face you have! Smile!” – pulls one spouse of the other. And the other is in the stage of fading, he is trying to comprehend what is happening. And he snaps, they say, leave me alone. Well, let’s go. We must allow the other to be with such a face. And allow yourself to be with any face. We frantically want to drive reality into at least some kind of illusion of the norm, when it crumbles like this before our eyes, we begin to pull each other. And here, too, it would be good to exhale and … let it be.
What else
Tell your parents the magic words
In quarantine, not only marital relations suffer. How not to quarrel, for example, with elderly parents?
“A separate reason for scandals with elderly parents is created by the fact that they often do not want to obey common sense,” our psychologist believes. “They go outside, put themselves at risk of infection. Or, on the contrary, they panic and begin to behave like small children. One girl complains that her mother now calls her every 15 minutes to tell her what she did and how scared she is. And here there is one short but magical exercise – to find adult stability in yourself, right now to feel inside yourself with your mind’s eye. And continue to withstand the parents as they are with all their manifestations. You have no other parents. They are very calming and are an excellent argument for persuading the words of love. Just tell them: “I love you, I care about you, I understand you.” Because love casts out fear.