How to keep passion alive

“I love my wife, I wish her well, I want her to be happy,” John admits to a psychotherapist. “But there are such moments … ”- a playful gesture suggests that sometimes he is not averse to strangling the one he loves so much. Routine, monotony, boredom are the most appropriate words to describe the family life of John and Jane, the heroes of the famous American film “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” (dir. Doug Liman). For five years of marriage, there was no trace of a romantic passion for each other. The picture is more than recognizable.

“You probably think that you are the only one faced with such problems. But millions of couples around the world experience the same difficulties, ”the therapist explains to John. And just like John and Jane, millions of people are looking for the answer to the question: “How to fall in love with your husband / wife again?”

Even if our relationship with a partner is quite warm and friendly, sometimes we lack that inspiration and feeling of flight that we experienced together! In the film, the scriptwriters offer their own answer – within the genre of action comedy. The heroes have to find out the true face of their partner: both turn out to be secret super-agents who are tasked with destroying each other. Of course, there is no trace of boredom here, and after the outbreak of hostility, the inevitable happy ending comes when John and Jane relive their passionate love.

The plot, of course, is fantastic, but psychologically the film is very accurate. The questions he poses are worth asking ourselves when our life as a couple begins to seem insipid and monotonous. Do we really love the one we live with? And if so, why do we sometimes almost hate it? How well do we know him? And how much do we know ourselves? And most importantly – with what kind of furs should we inflate the coals of feelings so that the flame flares up again? Here’s what our experts suggest.

Learn new things to live in the present

Petr Dmitrievsky, family psychologist

Relationships in a couple are a “project” in which joy and pain, lightness and effort are intertwined in a complex way. And it seems that the initial period of falling in love is a cunning move invented by nature to force us to connect two lives. In this state, the brain produces oxytocin, amphetamine, endorphin – substances that affect mood, give a feeling of flight, omnipotence, inspiration, all-forgiving love. But this state is temporary, and it is not in our power to prolong this “biochemistry”.

The task of the spouses during the period of cooling is not to reproduce the old feelings, but together to explore what prevents intimacy and look for new resources “here and now”. Hidden dissatisfaction blocks mutual interest, but in a conversation about a difficult one, two can get to know each other again. It is equally important to explore new areas together. Whatever the partners choose, the main thing is to experience a feeling of renewal, freshness in the relationship. These experiences will not be as intense as at the beginning of the novel, but more mature and stable.

Learn to love a real person

Alexander Uskov, psychoanalyst

I’m not sure that feelings can be revived by some tricks. After all, there is magic in love, a mystery that cannot be controlled. However, everything good, including love, is subject to fading, and to preserve what we have, not to let it collapse is one of the main existential challenges facing a person. And here you really need to make an effort: to know and understand yourself, the motives of your actions, your relationship with your partner. At the stage of falling in love, we idealize the other, and later we will inevitably be disappointed. If the relationship no longer suits us, it’s worth asking the question: maybe we fantasized ourselves with a partner who doesn’t really exist? Or are we still interested and need this particular real person? We can bear our frustration, anger, resentment, jealousy, and other destructive feelings only if our relationship is based on authenticity.

The only way is to change yourself

Vadim Petrovsky, transactional analyst

One of the reasons why relationships in a couple become insipid is addiction. We know the partner like the back of our hand: what he will say, how he will react, how he will act. But after all, at the first stage of the relationship – the stage of falling in love – we experienced a feeling of stunning novelty, discovering another person!

Therefore, when we feel that relationships have become routine, it is worth trying to find something new, unexpected in ourselves, to change not our appearance, but our way of life, way of thinking. New hobbies and activities – whether it’s singing, learning foreign languages ​​or something else, new acquaintances and friends, new roles that we take on – all this helps us discover new facets of our individuality – for ourselves, which means and for our partner. An attempt to change another is doomed to failure. Only by changing ourselves, we renew our relationship with a loved one.

Anticipate the joy of sex

Alain Eriel, sexologist

Of course, sexuality is no longer as stormy and overflowing as it was at first, in those happy times when sex was a way to get to know the other and yourself in order to become closer. After a few years, sex does not happen so often anymore. And it makes you feel guilty, it makes you doubt. What’s going on, why can’t we love each other as much as the unwritten standards require? Or maybe it’s better to get the idea of ​​quantitative changes out of your head for a start? Set yourself a worthy goal: quality. Having sex maybe once a month (or once a year – it doesn’t matter if both agree), but in such a way as to anticipate this date in fantasies, dream about it. And so prepare for a new meeting.