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A baby is born – the end of romance? You are now parents, you are not up to nonsense. But some manage to maintain close relationships. How? Psychologist John Gottman explains what it takes.
After the birth of a child, walks along the coast and evenings together fade into the background. But it is possible to keep the passion in marriage if the partners want it.
John Gottman observed 150 couples before and after the birth of a child. Two-thirds of the participants noted that they began to quarrel more often, feel disappointed in relationships and resentment. He decided to find out what the remaining third of the couples were doing differently.
The first few months after the birth of a child, couples rarely have sex – this is normal and predictable. But sex is still an important part of life together and a reliable indicator of relationship satisfaction. It is critical for parents to make time for sex and intimacy.
Primary adaptation
The first months after childbirth, life resembles an emotional roller coaster. Young parents are exposed to natural stress factors: hormonal changes, recovery after childbirth, fatigue and physical exhaustion.
It is not surprising that during this period, the sexual desire of both partners decreases – they are not up to romance. For young mothers, breastfeeding and child care come first. It is not easy for women to find time for their husbands. Men are also learning to be fathers. They feel an increased responsibility for the security and safety of the family.
It is not easy for spouses to master new roles. While they are learning how to care for a child, romance, sex and intimacy fade into the background. In their place come fatigue, quick-tempered remarks and the distribution of instructions.
It is important to maintain meaningful relationships. Rituals that bring partners closer together help couples with this.
Create bonding rituals
The quality of sexual life directly depends on the depth of emotional intimacy between spouses. When new parents maintain an emotional connection, it helps reduce the stress of having a baby and stimulates passion.
In order for an emotional connection to remain strong, you need to purposefully work on it.
Come up with a morning routine in which you will feed the child, play with him and take care of him together. Find out what your partner likes and dislikes and use this knowledge to strengthen intimacy. Plan an unusual outing or a new family activity for the weekend.
When you consciously practice intimacy rituals, you strengthen emotional intimacy every day. This stimulates sexual desire.
Cherish the romance
Most couples believe that the key to romance is dinner at chic restaurants, weekend trips, and skimpy underwear.
Young parents need to understand that something grandiose is not required of them. Enough daily contacts: holding hands, hugging, cuddling up to each other at the end of the day.
Moments of tenderness help maintain physical contact. To revive your sex life, you need to make time for each other.
Keep up the love
Young mothers experience an excess of touch: they are constantly in contact with the child. Women in this state are not inclined to contact their husband. But love has more than just physical manifestations, couples can express intimacy with words.
Talk about what you like, say how much you appreciate each other, maintain daily rituals of intimacy – this will become the key to harmony in a couple. Taking a bath together, getting a light massage, talking about sex are ways to feel close.
Lost sex drive can be restored. When partners realize how important this is to the quality of the relationship as a whole, they begin to look for opportunities to rekindle the flame.
A fixed time for sex helps a lot. They look forward to these moments. The idea of scheduled sex seems silly, but it’s rarely truly spontaneous.
Regular dates without a child, sex in the morning or tenderness during daytime sleep help strengthen relationships.
Couples who have just started dating also plan sex: they put on special clothes, buy new perfumes, select romantic music for the evening.
Also, regular dates without a child, sex in the morning or tenderness during the baby’s daytime sleep help to strengthen relationships. You can send sexual messages to each other throughout the day. It makes you look forward to the evening with excitement and gives you a playful mood.
By deliberately making time for just the two of you, you are reminding yourself that you are a team. Thanks to this, it is easier for you to overcome daily difficulties.
Having a baby is a game changer, but it shouldn’t kill romance. With a little effort, young parents can remain close despite early rises, hourly feedings, and a host of new responsibilities.
About the Developer
John Gottman (John Gottman) – Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington, author of 190 scientific articles and more than 40 books (including co-authors). Named one of the ten most influential therapists by the Psychotherapy Networker.