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Teenagers sometimes scare us: they threaten to leave home, have strange hobbies and dubious friends. But if we are not sensitive, we can push the child away from us and lose his trust. How to prevent this? Advice from psychologist-consultant Adriana Imzh.
More than half of the problems of adolescents arise due to conflicts and difficulties in the family. If you want your teenager to trust and connect with you, first look at the situation in your family. How much time do you spend at home? How much of that time does the family spend together? Are there any problems — high expectations from each other, resentment, sexual infidelity, problems with the health of relatives?
It may seem to you that a sick grandmother lying in the same room where a teenage girl lives is absolutely normal. And for a girl, this can be a constant source of difficult experiences that she has no one to share with. And many many others. If you solve some of the problems, there is a chance that the condition of the teenager will improve.
In order for your child to trust you and be able to calmly talk about his difficulties, follow simple rules.
Talk to him
According to recent studies, parents talk with teenagers for only 9 minutes a day — and then in the format of claims, requests and prohibitions. The average teen hears nothing from their parents other than, “Take breakfast. Dress warmly. Don’t forget to do the math. Are you out of your mind eating this filth?” The remaining 23 hours and 50 minutes the teenager is given to teachers, classmates, coaches, TV and the Internet.
Try talking to him like a stranger. In a way, he’s really unfamiliar to you — the kid who once loved biting onions and painting with lipstick on the couch has already become a small part of a new big whole. This person may well love strange music and this terrible pierced boy or a very strange girl with lilac hair.
Try to find out what he is and how he lives. Without judgment, horror and claims, as if you met an unusual, new adult with whom you want to get to know better.
hug him
Body contact and expression of joy in presence are important for everyone. Especially for teenagers. It can be difficult.
If children’s toys in the spirit of «the horned goat is coming» no longer work, try to find new ones. Look at what forms of hugs and caresses are adopted in their company — maybe it’s friendly pokes in the ribs, tousled hair, a thumbs up or just a high five.
Tell him that he is important and needed
Try to resist judgments: «I just want a normal son» or «I’m tired of messing with your problems» or «Why can’t you just do everything right?».
Say instead: “I will love you even if you don’t pass the exam with the highest score”, “I need you because you are cool (funny, mine, cool, interesting), “I am lucky that I have such a you or “I am very happy that I have a son.”
Don’t compete with his affections
It may well be that a teenager’s crush or new friends now take up more space in his life than you do. It `s naturally.
If you don’t like his choice, you can say it in different ways. You can bark: «Communicate with fools, and you yourself will become the same.» Or you can say: “I don’t like this boy, but if he is important to you, I will try to accept him. Just think for yourself whether you really need such a person.
It may well be that some dangers seem to you. And if not, by direct pressure, you most likely will not achieve a positive result at this age. You can look for other ways.
If you like something, say so. “I am glad that you are friends with Alice, she is a very interesting girl, I would also like to have such a girlfriend at your age.”
Don’t let him do what he loves
Sometimes teenagers choose rather strange activities — rock climbing, skating, parkour, drawing manga. Not all of these seem helpful to parents.
If you are sure that what he has chosen is dangerous and can have negative consequences, try to do without prohibitions. Offer him another type of leisure — take him somewhere where both of you will be interested, send him to some thematic camp.
Don’t be afraid of resistance
Many teenagers are skeptical about the initiatives of parents, teachers and other adults. But in fact, this can be bypassed — if they really enjoy the activity.
The main thing is not to act on the forehead. It’s better to get your old hippie photos — where you are with an earring, a guitar, on a hike, than to immediately dress up in modern subcultural clothes.
Do not go to his company in this form — better try to go together to the old base, where you will look normal in khaki and with a bandana.
All mothers and fathers are afraid that their son or daughter will not go to a good educational institution or ruin his career. And this fear is very dangerous. It is because of him that many applicants sit at exams in an almost insane state and lose to more relaxed peers.
Fear and tension impair the functioning of the intellect. Instead of scaring your child with phrases like “if you don’t pass, you’ll go to work as a janitor,” try to help him with the study of the material. Go through this one with him.
Solve math problems, memorize at least some tickets. You can compare notes of the same lecture — yours and his, or abstracts written on the same topic. When he sees your successes and failures and how you deal with them, it will be easier for him to learn.
- “A teenager lives at home like in a hotel”
Most importantly, remember that ten minutes of laughter together is always more effective than two hours of lectures. Allow yourself to at least occasionally fool around with your son or daughter.
Do not pronounce hackneyed words — «here I am at your age …». You were a different person from a different family at a different time. Speak from your heart and soul: “Yes, I understand that you are fed up with everything. I would have had enough too. But let’s try to find a way out together?». Or: “It is very important to me that you go to university. I am sure that it will be a good diploma, which will give you a lot. I honestly want you to succeed in life.”
Use more gestures, less formal language. Then there is a chance that the child will believe that you really love him and care for him, and not repeat beaten truths.