Contents
- Automatic thoughts
- Change settings to respond differently
- “Every person whom I consider important and significant should love or approve of me”
- “I have to be competent and skillful in everything I do. I can’t be happy with myself if I’m not the best”
- “I must always be prepared for something bad to happen”
- “It is easier to avoid difficulties and responsibilities than to face them face to face”
- “Self-esteem. A Practical Guide to Developing Self-Confidence by Glenn Shiraldi
Everyone talks about how important it is to appreciate yourself. And at first glance it seems so simple. However, we often undermine our self-esteem without realizing it. How does this mechanism work? And most importantly, what mindset can teach us to respect ourselves?
Each person is immensely valuable, but, unfortunately, not everyone understands and feels this. One of the reasons for this is negative, oppressive internal attitudes that easily undermine our sense of self-worth. And they do not just loosen, but do everything so that we cannot experience this feeling.
Let’s consider the following situation: the leader, passing in the corridor past Alexander and Vladimir, frowns. Noticing this, Alexander is upset. He thinks, “Oh no! The boss is not happy with me! But Vladimir is not worried about what happened, he does not believe that the boss’s hard look is related to him: “The boss, probably, has some clashes with the main office again.”
What is the difference between Alexander and Vladimir? Of course, in their thoughts about the event, because it itself remained unchanged.
Automatic thoughts
Every time an event occurs that upsets us, automatic thoughts arise in the head. And sometimes they are unreasonably negative.
These thoughts flash through our heads so fast that we can’t keep track of them. And even more so to evaluate how logical they are. Therein lies the danger: automatic thoughts greatly affect our mood and sense of self-worth.
So, in some situations, under the influence of these thoughts, we immediately assume the worst, without looking for any evidence of this. In our example, Alexander immediately decided that he was to blame for the bad mood of the boss, and did not even begin to check his assumption.
Change settings to respond differently
Cognitive therapy, a branch of psychology, works with thought patterns that lower our self-esteem and lead to depression. And since a pattern is a pattern of actions that we once learned, it means that we can unlearn from it. Modern cognitive therapy suggests doing this by replacing irrational attitudes with sound and reasonable ones.
“Every person whom I consider important and significant should love or approve of me”
Common sense: “I really want to be loved and approved, so I will behave in such a way that everyone will like me. But for reasons that have nothing to do with me, this will not always work. This is not a disaster, and my self-esteem should not depend on others.
“I have to be competent and skillful in everything I do. I can’t be happy with myself if I’m not the best”
Common sense: “I will strive to do my best, but not always try to be the best. I can enjoy even those activities in which I am not particularly good, try things in which I can fail. Mistakes and failures do not mean that I am a worthless person. It is necessary to take risks in order to grow above oneself, and at least from time to time to take advantage of favorable opportunities.
“I must always be prepared for something bad to happen”
Common sense: “Maybe it’s in my best interest to face the threat so I can stop being afraid of it. If this is not possible, then you need to stop thinking about the bad – anxiety and worry will not interfere with anything anyway. And even if the worst happens, I can handle it.”
“It is easier to avoid difficulties and responsibilities than to face them face to face”
Common sense: “I will do whatever is necessary, even if I don’t like it. It is wise to take periods of rest from our hectic lives, but if they make up the bulk of it, then they become counterproductive.
Please note that the last two attitudes represent the opposite attitude towards difficulties. According to psychological research, both of them contribute to self-destruction, because both obsession with problems and trying to avoid them lead to negative consequences. The most effective approach is the principle of the golden mean.
Set aside a portion of your day (half an hour, according to some studies) to work with your thoughts. Gather all the facts, consider alternatives, acknowledge your feelings, write down on a piece of paper everything that worries you. And then take appropriate action and try to think of something positive.
“Self-esteem. A Practical Guide to Developing Self-Confidence by Glenn Shiraldi
Mann, Ivanov & Ferber, 2021
Self-respect and high self-esteem are certainly not the only thing that gives us happiness, but they are one of the most important things. Self-esteem affects everything we do. It is important that it is based not on external circumstances, but on our internal state.
Low self-esteem does not depend on social status or background – people of any age, background and social status can experience this phenomenon. The good news is that self-esteem can be worked on. Its formation and development, like the cultivation of a garden, requires purposeful, consistent efforts. This book is a step-by-step program for developing self-esteem. It will take you about half an hour a day for 150 days to complete it.
Based on Glenn Shiraldi’s book Self-Esteem. A Practical Guide to Developing Self-Confidence »