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Self-esteem is formed in early childhood. Can we somehow influence it now? Yes, experts say. These affordable and effective exercises from a psychologist will help us.
“All my life I have been trying to reach the unattainable horizon,” says my client, 28-year-old Tatiana. She has a well-groomed appearance, an athletic figure, stylish clothes, a university red diploma and a good job. But at the same time, there is no feeling that she has achieved anything in life. As if her experience and achievements have no value. She is unhappy in relationships with men, but feels powerless to change anything.
“My parents demanded that I meet the ideal, but nothing worked out for me,” Tatyana continues. “I tried my best not to disappoint them, but even if I did everything as they said, I still fell short somewhere, missed something, they pointed out my shortcomings … And I really wanted to hear praise!”
As a result, low self-esteem is Tatyana’s constant companion. An adult and successful woman feels insecure and unstable in life.
Our parents create our self-esteem
The first source of self-esteem is the unconditional love of a mother or father, the one who becomes the main figure for us in childhood. We are good in the eyes of this older person, regardless of our merits or achievements, simply because we are who we are.
The second source is the reaction of elders to our achievements. The child shows his drawing, reads a rhyme he has learned by heart, brings the first grades from school – and in response he hears praise, exclamations of approval, or simply meets the admiring glance of mom, dad and other adults. At the same time, he is filled with a sense of self-worth and self-respect.
My uniqueness
Each of us has his own set of personal qualities, individual experience, knowledge. Everyone perceives the world in their own unique way. All this together creates a unique pattern of behavior, our unique personality.
To notice your uniqueness and enjoy it, remember and write down everything that you like about yourself, starting from appearance features (gray or brown eyes, tall or, conversely, petiteness) and continuing with character traits (“I treat people well” or “I read a lot”).
If you think of something you don’t like about yourself, just don’t write it down. Focus only on what you think is good. Regularly replenish your list, discovering new positive properties in yourself.
What happened to my client Tatyana? As a child, her parents, most likely out of good intentions, did not allow her to “boast”, they were afraid to praise her too much, they pushed her to new achievements, but as if they did not notice what had already happened. And she could not feel that the elders appreciated her achievements, were proud of her.
It seemed to Tatyana that she was only disappointing her parents. And here’s the paradox – as she got older, she herself began to relate to what she was doing, just like her parents did in childhood: no success brings her joy.
How does a person with low or fragile self-esteem feel?
- First of all, resentment, pain for the fact that he did not receive support from those from whom he especially needed it.
- Secondly, the fear that he will be hurt even more. A person with extremely low self-esteem does not want to get out of his “shell”. It seems to him that others can hurt him even more, he withdraws from communication and plunges into himself.
- Thirdly, anger at himself for the fact that he cannot achieve something, and even having achieved it, he does not receive an internal reward from this and does not feel that he has really achieved something.
The consequence of such experiences is a feeling of powerlessness and dissatisfaction, depression and nervous breakdowns. Fortunately, there is a way out – self-esteem can be increased.
How to learn to appreciate yourself
If our self-esteem depends on how our parents treated us, then what can we do today, when we are no longer children? It hardly makes sense to demand something from parents. But we are able to understand what exactly was once missed by us, and we can become a “good parent” for ourselves.
10-point scale
This is a great tool for monitoring your condition while working on self-esteem. Draw a vertical scale on paper, where the bottom point is 0 and the top point is 10. Before doing each exercise, listen to your condition: how many points do you feel? Mark your condition with a dot or check mark opposite the corresponding mark on the scale. After completing one of the suggested practices, evaluate your condition again and put a new mark.
With the help of such a scale, you can understand which of the practices turned out to be the most effective way for you to increase self-esteem. Record changes in attitude towards yourself using a scale and in other ways: for example, by keeping diary entries. Praise yourself as much as possible. Over time—two weeks, a month, or two—you will see your self-esteem change, and you will also feel a change in how you interact with others.
“It became easier for me to talk with other people, it was more pleasant to talk about myself and it was more interesting to learn something about them,” Tatyana said three months after she started keeping her Self-Esteem Diary, “and I noticed that now, when a man compliments me, I just thank and rejoice, and this joy is no longer mixed with any awkwardness, as it used to be.
When we change our view of ourselves, at the same time we begin to see the environment in a different way. So get ready: once you start practicing self-esteem-building practices, a lot of things around you will change for the better.
I offer a choice of three practices – as I suggested to Tatiana and my other clients – and you can try them and choose the one that you like best, or use all three.
1. Reward. To regain a positive attitude towards yourself and your achievements, you can turn to the action-result-reward scheme. It is better to start with the simplest things: make an important call at work or agree on something – praise yourself or encourage. The reward can be anything from a tasty candy to watching an interesting movie.
The main thing is to reward yourself in order to feel joy and pride in the achievement. It is important to regularly, several times a day, praise and reward yourself for your deeds and completed deeds. It’s like learning something all over again: a child doesn’t develop self-esteem overnight or start walking, so don’t expect a fantastic change in self-esteem in a few days. But a month or two of such practice brings noticeable changes in self-awareness.
2. Meditation. Once a day, do the following meditation: sit on a chair, put your hands on your knees, relax and feel your feet rest on the floor. Imagine that in your head you have all the knowledge that you have accumulated during your studies, all the books you have read, all the diplomas and certificates.
In your left hand, “put” all those who support you – these can be both real relatives and friends, and people who are authoritative for you: masters, writers, scientists.
In your right hand, “collect” everything that you know how to do well, perhaps even better than others. Feel how you are filled with pleasure from everything that you own, from your knowledge and skills, and confidence from the support of those whom you value and respect.
Maintain this feeling for several minutes. If you feel like joining your hands or putting them to your heart, do it. Then you can stretch and go on about your business.
My achievements
This is an additional exercise that can be called “Collect Your Self-Esteem”. It is to collect all your achievements, like small pieces of a puzzle, into one big beautiful picture.
3. Feedback. During the week, collect feedback from friends and loved ones about what is great about you. To do this, simply ask them the question: “What do you like about me?”
As for the practice of feedback, it often raises questions and even fears: “What if they laugh at me?”
I will talk about my personal experience. I was interested to see how friends would react to this question, and to observe my feelings, how their words would affect my own self-esteem. I interviewed five people. None of them laughed or twirled a finger at the temple, all five were happy to tell me about my virtues.
For example, they like that I never stop learning, that I am punctual and rarely late, that I am natural in communication, that I can soften conflict situations, that I have an interesting hobby (I do gymnastics on aerial canvases and even recently hung them Houses).
I was very pleased to hear all the compliments! Another observation: after someone told me about what he likes in me, my sympathy for this person increased. So this self-esteem practice has a nice side effect – it improves relationships with others.
After talking with each of the interlocutors about my merits, I felt a surge of energy, my self-esteem grew by at least three points on a ten-point scale, and I immediately wanted to run somewhere and do something.
About the Developer
Julia Panfilova – psychologist, specialist in emotional-figurative therapy.