How to improve your personal life. 35 rules for overcoming loneliness (N. Lieberman)

Abstract

Each of us dreams of love, of a person with whom we are destined to live our lives, of family happiness. However, not everyone manages to find a suitable partner. The loneliness of women is especially acute. They are so good, smart, beautiful — they can’t arrange their personal lives in any way. Some have never had a beloved man, others have a relationship that lasts for some time, but does not develop into a happy marriage … What is it? The vicissitudes of fate, the intrigues of envious people, the “crown of celibacy”? Or maybe their own psychological problems?

Much can be overcome, many difficulties can be overcome, if only one knows how to do it! In the book, an experienced practicing psychologist talks about how to determine the reasons for your failures in relationships with the stronger sex, eliminate these reasons and take a step from loneliness to happiness together. Other people’s stories, conversation fragments, exercises, questions, tests and recommendations will help you reconsider your attitudes and outlook on life, avoid mistakes and achieve major changes in your personal life in the shortest possible time.

It may be, I think, true that fate controls half of our actions, but it leaves us to control the other half or so.

foreword

Each of us dreams of love, of the very person with whom we are destined to live our lives, of family happiness. But sometimes it happens that personal life does not add up. The Internet, marriage agencies, organizers of flirting parties willingly offer their services. In books on psychology and glossy magazines, all sorts of tips for finding a “soul mate” are printed. But still, millions of men and women cannot find the right partner. Loneliness, self-doubt, personal disorder, lack of harmonious relationships are the most common topics of conversation at a psychologist’s appointment. And this is not surprising. After all, it is love and desired relationships that make people happy and give life a special meaning.

Women are especially acutely experiencing loneliness and suffer from it. They are so good, smart, beautiful — they can’t arrange their personal lives in any way. Some of them have never had a partner. It is difficult for them to meet and communicate with men. For others, relationships last for some time, but do not develop into a happy family union. What is it? The vicissitudes of fate, the intrigues of envious people, the “crown of celibacy”? Or maybe their own psychological problems?

Much can be overcome, many problems can be solved if you only know how to do it! The book will discuss how to determine the reasons for your failures in relationships with the stronger sex, how to eliminate these reasons and take a step from loneliness to happiness together.

If you are not yet ready to discuss your problems with a specialist, this book is another opportunity to try to figure out the situation yourself. That is why I want to share with you the information that is based on scientific psychological research, observations and experiments, and which was accumulated by me in the course of many years of practice, teaching, consulting, as well as during my studies at the faculties of psychology at Moscow and Hamburg universities.

After reading this book, you will know the answers to the following questions:

Why are you lonely and how to get rid of loneliness?

How to deal with envy and bad mood?

How to overcome the fear of communication and acquaintance?

You will also learn how to make a good first impression. And how to show a man your interest and understand if he likes you.

Getting to know the stories of other people described in the examples, fragments of conversations, exercises, questions, tests and recommendations will help you reconsider your attitudes and outlook on life, avoid mistakes and make serious changes in the shortest possible time.

I really hope that by reading this book, you will learn the «forgotten old» and discover many new and interesting things. As a result, you will be able to effectively apply the acquired knowledge. Just apply. Because change will come only when you begin to actively take action: change your thinking and behavior, develop new habits, complete tests and exercises, answer questions, analyze situations, train the necessary skills and apply the acquired knowledge in your life.

RULE №1

Change will come only when you yourself begin to change: develop new habits, analyze situations, train the necessary skills, change your thinking and behavior.

Perhaps some of them will seem unusual to you at first — like rearranging furniture in an apartment. But very soon everything will fall into place. The new way of thinking and behavior will be taken for granted by you.

PS I cannot promise that once you complete the exercises, tests, and recommendations in this book, you will immediately meet your ideal partner. But I can guarantee that you will get rid of loneliness and significantly increase the chances of meeting Him.

Chapter 1

From a conversation with Christina: “Well, why am I always alone?! Why doesn’t anyone need me?! Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one in the world. I really need someone who will listen to me. Someone who could understand me… Everyone around me is so absorbed in their own affairs, and they don’t give a damn about me. I’m just suffocating from loneliness … «

From a conversation with Nastya: “The days go by slowly, nothing pleases. Yes, I have a place to come after work — my apartment. But it’s empty. No one will say: “Hi! It’s great that you’re already home. Do you want to go to the cinema tonight?” No one will ask how I feel, what I think, how my day went… Will I never meet someone who loves me? Thinking like that makes me want to cry…”

“Young, beautiful, smart, but unlucky in my personal life …”, “What should I do? How to overcome loneliness?”, “Why doesn’t anyone need me?” These and similar questions can make life unbearable.

Often women are embarrassed to talk about their problems even with their best (especially more successful) friends. They prefer to hide behind a big smile and the standard phrase: “I’m OK. No problems!» But in fact, they want to say: “Yes, I don’t want to live like this! I can’t do it anymore…” But they put on a mask of well-being to hide bitterness, dissatisfaction with the situation, tears – and avoid someone else’s pity.

There are many situations that make us feel lonely. I will give you a short list of them:

• I think that I will never meet a loved one;
• I feel unhappy;
• I feel like no one needs;
• I suffer from lack of attention, even from close people;
• no body understands me;
• I feel like no one cares about me;
• it seems to me that others treat me unkindly;
• people around do not consider my opinion, feelings and desires;
• I often find myself in difficult situations and do not know how to solve them;
• I am misunderstood;
• people avoid communicating with me without explaining the reasons;
• my best intentions go unanswered;
• The maximum effort I put in does not lead to the desired result.

We are able to endure mental stress as long as one or two of the above factors affect us. But when they grow like a snowball … it becomes simply unbearable.

In order not to get stuck in this unpleasant state, I suggest that you do the following exercise.

An exercise

1. Consider when and why you get upset.

2. Make a list of situations that «trigger» you in a «tearful» reaction and depressed mood.

3. Outline for yourself an approximate plan of action in such a situation. Write down your thoughts on what you can do to solve the problem.

4. Don’t allow yourself to get emotionally «immersed» in this situation. As soon as you feel it coming — switch: call a friend, eat ice cream, listen to your favorite music, turn on the TV, remember something good, start cleaning the apartment. After a while, you will notice that you feel much better.

RULE №2

If you feel that your mood is getting worse, switch: chat with friends, listen to your favorite music, turn on the TV, think about pleasant things, start doing something.

How does loneliness manifest itself?

Loneliness is associated with many negative things. And now we will talk just about them. Knowing and understanding their origin, you will be able to recognize and overcome them in time.

Different women experience their loneliness in different ways. Some are characterized only by sadness and despondency that come from time to time. Others suffer so much that their sensations can be compared to physical pain. Their thoughts are constantly focused on the impossibility of living alone and feeling unworthy and useless. (Such thoughts block the positive emotions that make a woman attractive to the opposite sex.) Feelings range from insecurity, fear, and self-pity to disappointment, anger, shame, and self-abasement. Health problems begin, manifested in the form of frequent headaches, sleep disturbances, colds, skin and other psychosomatic diseases (Psychosomatic diseases are painful conditions that occur provoked by mental factors (mental trauma, emotional stress, neurosis) and is accompanied by disorders of the cardiovascular, respiratory, motor, digestive and genitourinary systems of the body).

I really hope that your loneliness manifests itself in a relatively mild form. And, after reading the above, you will think: “It’s good that I don’t have all this! Let it be sad and sometimes you want to cry, but still there is strength and a desire to improve the situation. And there is hope that everything will be fine.”

It is known that in people experiencing a state of loneliness, behavior changes significantly. To bring it back to normal, you need to know exactly how it has changed. In order to find out, you need to answer the following questions.

1. Have you become more dependent on praise and other people’s opinions lately?

2. Do you lack social recognition and confirmation of your own importance?

3. Have you become more distrustful?

4. Have you started to avoid contact with others, especially men?

5. Have you become haughty, sarcastic or aggressive towards others?

6. Do you think that no one can love you, because there is nothing to love you for?

7. Have you lost the desire to maintain friendly relations, be attractive, smile and discuss everyday affairs and news?

8. Have you begun to give up on yourself?

9. Are you trying to cope with loneliness with alcohol, drugs, medications?

10. Do you show initiative in dating because you are terrified of rejection and criticism?

If you answered “yes” to most of the questions, then the time has come to change yourself and your life.

Why are you alone?

Those girls and women who cannot find a suitable partner and do not have friendly contacts and pleasant communication with others experience the most acute loneliness. It often seems to them that everyone around them is to blame for their situation, but not themselves. Is that so?

From a conversation with Vika: “I remember how I nervously paced the room back and forth, going over the events of the past year in my mind. Again and again the words from a recently read article came to my mind: “Can I just watch how others live? How well-groomed and self-confident they are, how capriciously they pout their lips, refusing a date with another gentleman? Why does a handsome man buy sweets and all sorts of feminine accessories in the supermarket? For whom? Who is this blue blood princess? I was sad and ashamed of myself. And I got angry. Why am I worse? Why do others have such a fabulous life? What do they do differently? What am I doing wrong? And here it was as if something turned upside down in me: I was doing something wrong. I! This realization was both joyful and sad at the same time. I wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself, but, on the other hand, I finally admitted to myself what the reason was and who was to blame for the fact that I was alone.

Most women consider their own age and too high demands on potential applicants to be the main reason for their loneliness. Some women conclude that they are ugly and the reason for loneliness is their appearance. Some believe that circumstances and other women are to blame for everything, because of which their former partners left them. And some blame men because they are incapable of behaving like a man: they are afraid to approach acquaintances and cannot maintain partnerships. In some cases, this is indeed the case. Many men see the reason for their loneliness in their own shyness, which prevents them from approaching the woman they like. It also affects the negative experience of dating or relationships in the past.

To the question «Why are you single?» most women and men usually answer: “I haven’t met the one I need yet” (42% of women, 37% of men), “I don’t want to tie myself up with family ties” (36% of women, 43% of men), “ There are already too many disappointments” (25% of women, 14% of men), “Sexual life is more interesting if you are not connected with anyone” (1% of women, 16% of men).

In Moscow alone, there are currently 36% of women between the ages of 25 and 50 who live alone and are not married (divorced or never married). In Germany, 11 million men and women aged 2 to 18 are single. And there are more than 59 million lonely people on Earth. Here is such a statistic. Of course, not every one of these hundred million is in search of a suitable partner. But many people hope to meet a person with whom a long and stable relationship will be possible.

And why are you alone?

To find out why, continue the unfinished sentence «I think I’m lonely because…». Your answer to this question may make a lot of sense.

Whatever the reason or reasons that led you to the present result, it is important to understand one thing: you are acting without taking into account the specifics of the situation. It means that the problem will be solved as soon as you notice these features and change your habitual (most often incorrect) behavior.

By answering the following test, you can determine how much you feel lonely.

TEST

LONELY SCALE

There are four possible answers for each of the questions: «Often», «Sometimes», «Rarely», «Never». The more “Often” answers you give, the more lonely you feel.

1. I am unhappy doing so many things by myself.

2. I have no one to talk to.

3. It is unbearable for me to be so lonely.

4. I lack communication.

5. I feel like no one really understands me.

6. I am waiting for people to call or write to me.

7. There is no one to whom I could turn.

8. I am not close to anyone anymore.

9. Those who surround me do not share my interests and ideas.

10. I feel abandoned.

11. I am not able to relax and communicate with people around me.

12. I feel completely alone.

13. My social relationships and connections are superficial.

14. I really want to join the company.

15. In reality, no one knows me properly.

16. I feel isolated from others.

17. I am unhappy being so rejected.

18. I find it difficult to make friends.

19. I feel excluded by others from their circle.

20. People around me, but not with me.

If you have a high level of loneliness, you can look for its causes. But if you have been feeling lonely for a long time, then make an appointment with a psychologist to understand yourself and solve your problems.

How to deal with loneliness

Answer yourself honestly to the question: “What are you doing to stop your loneliness?” Whichever way you answer, your answer will fall into one of two categories: “Doing this and that” or “Doing nothing.” If your actions do not bring the desired result, then you need to change them! As you may have guessed, we are talking about cause and effect relationships. When you choose the right actions, you will definitely achieve the expected result.

RULE №3

In any case, the main thing is the result. And if he does not suit you, analyze your actions. This will tell you what can be changed and improved.

To cope with loneliness, it is important to understand that loneliness depends not so much on the amount of social contacts, but on how you perceive yourself and your surroundings.

It follows that the only way to get rid of loneliness is to change the way you think about yourself and your environment. And we need to start with a change in thinking. By changing the way you think — in other words, thoughts — you will automatically change your perception. And by learning to perceive yourself and those around you differently, you will begin to behave differently. This means that your behavior will also change.

RULE №4

To cope with loneliness, you need to change the way you think about yourself and your surroundings. As soon as you begin to perceive yourself and others differently, your behavior will change.

To change your mindset, it is important to understand how you feel about loneliness. What do you think of when you hear the word «loneliness»? Despondency. Emptiness. Sadness. There is no person nearby who can appreciate you. What do you think of when you hear the word «love»? Lovers who look tenderly at each other? Hugs and kisses? He and she, hand in hand, walk along the seashore? But this is only one side. The reverse side of love is misunderstanding, resentment, quarrels, love spells, curses and even murders. They are dictated by lost or unrequited love.

What is the other side of loneliness? Loneliness is a time for development and awareness of oneself, an opportunity to think about one’s own and other people’s actions, about relationships, to understand oneself, one’s feelings and intentions. Consider the absence of a partner as the absence of restrictions: you can make decisions and arrange your life the way you want.

You are in charge of yourself and your free time. You don’t have to conform to anyone. You can pursue any interests by saying to yourself: “Finally, I can afford it (stay up late in front of the computer, make a face mask without fear of scaring a partner, listen to your favorite music, watch your favorite TV shows, cook what you want, etc.). e.)!”

And to be honest, the only thing that matters is how you yourself feel about your position. If it seems to you that others are looking in your direction with disapproval because you do not have a partner, then it only seems to you. You yourself decided that a lonely person living for his own pleasure is not the norm. «How can he be satisfied?» — you ask. Yes, of course it can!

If a person is lonely and does not have sexual relations, this does not mean at all that he is flawed or defective. This means that he does not do or did not do something in life. But he certainly did more. After all, if someone does not know how to swim or drive a car, or has never jumped with a parachute, then he is absolutely normal and as good and complete as someone who knows how to do all this.

How quickly you can overcome loneliness is influenced by your attitude to the current situation. Do you think that everyone is to blame? Will you sit and wait for someone to come along and rescue you from your boredom and loneliness? Well, that’s your right. If you are ready to admit that you yourself influenced the fact that you are now alone, then you can act to correct the mistakes and soon get the desired result. Loneliness is not inevitable, unless you yourself want it. Don’t believe? Then I will give you some examples.

Example 1. Marina is going to celebrate her birthday. A friend happily asks: “Well, Marin, how are you going to celebrate? Are you going somewhere on vacation? 30 years is an anniversary after all!” Marina thoughtfully replies: “Well, yes, the anniversary … It will be necessary to invite relatives. We need money for the holiday, but it’s not enough for the trip…” Marina’s younger sister is married and has two children. And what will Marina hear from her relatives? Their endless: “Aren’t you tired of one?”, “Your sister got married, and it’s time for you!”, “Look at how your nephews have grown up, they’ll go to school soon … When will we babysit your children?” Marina knows these questions by heart. Does it make sense in her situation to spend money on celebrating a birthday with relatives and listening to their usual “why, when”? Can there be a good mood after such a holiday? Of course, you can joke and laugh at your loneliness in the circle of relatives, but this will not add peace of mind. You can’t fool yourself. And Marina knows in advance that after the guests leave, she will only have to feel sorry for herself and cry into the pillow.

Example 2. Oksana, in her “over 25”, is already used to the questions: “Well, are you married yet?”, “When are we going to walk at your wedding?” To such questions, she had long had one answer ready for everyone: “I will marry when I need, where I need and for whom I need. As soon as this happens, I will definitely let you know.” Where do you think she spent the money set aside for the celebration of her next birthday? I went on holiday abroad! New impressions, great mood from the fact that she is at the celebration of life, new acquaintances, many memorable moments, souvenirs, photographs … And soon she met «the one she needs» and got married.

Example 3. Lilya, after a short unsuccessful marriage and a relationship lasting several years, but not satisfying, decided to arrange a holiday for herself: she invited her friends to a party at the best restaurant in the city. During the party, she met an interesting, personable man. And although she did not take this acquaintance seriously and jokingly left him her work phone number, quite a serious continuation followed. He called her the very next day, they started dating. It turned out that he was from the capital, arrived on a business trip, and after a while he had to go back. Then there were long telephone conversations and the realization that both wanted to be together. A few months later they got married and Lily moved in with him.

Example 4. Katya decided to change her «single» position, because she was tired of being compared with her younger brother, who had already started a family and a child. When her successful career in a foreign company ceased to arouse the admiration of her relatives and they increasingly began to ask her questions about her unhappy personal life, Katya decided to act. I found a site on the Internet where foreign men who wanted to start a family with a woman from Russia published their ads. I chose a couple of suitable candidates and began an active correspondence (fortunately I knew English well). After some time, having chosen the most interesting of her interlocutors, she went to visit him at the invitation. And then she decided to move and register a relationship.

Example 5. Lena always dreamed of going to live abroad. She tried to find out more about life in foreign countries, tried to correspond in English with a dictionary with «foreign suitors.» True, she could not decide on her desires regarding the country of residence (“Maybe America, or England, or Germany, or Italy, or France …”) and therefore did not seriously study a foreign language. She thought that she would teach later, when someone would call her to marry. Although she never married abroad, she gained communication experience and high self-esteem. This helped her to meet the man she liked in her city, whom she married.

Reading these examples, it is easy to see that of all five women, only Marina does not see her situation from the outside and does not change her usual position. All other women take concrete steps to achieve their goal. This means that you can free yourself from loneliness.

How to do it?

1. Think about why you need loneliness? Maybe, without experiencing it, you would not be able to appreciate the relationships that lie ahead of you? Convince yourself: «Everything that happens to me is the best for me at the moment.» Use your position to understand yourself and acquire the desired qualities, skills and abilities.

2. Learn to manage yourself and your free time. What is important to you? What do you want to achieve? What would you like to change about yourself and your life? Formulate vital goals and begin to gradually change the situation. For example, you want to meet someone. Then you need to decide what this person should be like, where you could meet him. Then determine the place and time suitable for dating, think through the details and begin to implement your plan.

3. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and programming for loneliness, repeating: “This is the fate”, “This is how life turned out”, “These are the circumstances”, and the like. This is the position of a fish thrown ashore. One effort and she will jump back into the sea. But instead of seeing and using this opportunity, she does nothing. Only she thinks with horror that the fisherman will come soon and then she will fall into the pan … Maybe you just don’t want to make an effort? You are accustomed to your life — a fairy tale with a sad ending, which you passively obey. Maybe you identify yourself with your relative, colleague or acquaintance, whose relationship with men «didn’t work out»? Or do you read books about unrequited love and compare yourself to unfortunate heroines? Find the reason for your loneliness or failed relationships. You can change a lot if you understand what is the reason and act, and not sit back.

4. Change the question «Why?» to the question «How?». This means, instead of tormenting yourself with the questions: “Why don’t I have a partner?”, Ask yourself the question: “How can I find one?” When you hear the question “how?”, your brain will begin to actively work to find answers to the question asked. Ask yourself this question every day until you realize that you already know the answer. You will be confident that you know exactly what you want and what you need to do to get it.

5. Think about what you would like to change about your appearance, clothing, communication, behavior, etc. An example is the main character of the French film «Pretty Women» Cecile (Judith Godresh). She transforms from an emotionally depressed intellectual graduate student to a pretty, carefree beauty, with whom her supervisor Laurent Gaspard (Gerard Depardieu) falls in love.

6. Learn to be pleased with yourself. Treat yourself like a best friend you’ve known for a long time. If possible, invite someone over to your place. If this is not possible, then arrange a holiday just for yourself. Maybe at first you don’t want to cook something special, dress up, set the table. This is a normal reaction — it seems to you that there is no pleasure in all this and there is no one to try for. Still, pay attention to yourself. It is very important to feel comfortable with yourself.

RULE №5

Learn to be nice to yourself. Pay attention to yourself, pamper yourself and arrange small holidays for yourself.

From a conversation with Anya: “Despite everything, I have not lost the joy of life. Yes, until Mendelssohn’s wedding march sounded to me, but I do not exclude this. You can get married at any age. And it will happen to me too. Well, if not, then no. I accept life as it is.»

7. Determine the “right age” for yourself. Let’s say if you are 23 years old, you are not married yet and you do not have a permanent friend, then you can slowly choose the right man and at the same time pursue a career. If you are 25 years old and still single, then you can get more serious about looking for a candidate for the role of a long-term partner or husband.

Just don’t set yourself the goal of getting married in one or two months. It is unlikely that in such a short time you will meet the right person for you. Better focus on a more realistic result. For example, two or three years. Firstly, it will relieve you of unnecessary anxiety and unnecessary stress, allow you to calmly take care of yourself and enjoy the process of change. Secondly, during this time you will understand what kind of partner and what kind of relationship you want, you will accumulate the necessary dating experience, learn to understand men, communicate with them and understand them.

Most likely, you will not have to wait so long: the right person will meet you much earlier! But if you set yourself the goal of getting married in a month, then, seeing that nothing has changed, you will give up on your idea and again feel sorry for yourself «lonely and useless to anyone.»

If you are 30 years old, then you can think about having a baby. Decide if you need a full-fledged family for this or if you plan to raise a child alone. Find out if there is a man in your environment who is suitable for the role of the father of your child. If there is no such man nearby, then think about where you could find him. (Decide in advance whether to tell your friends, family and friends about your plans. Especially if they think they know better than you what is good for you and what is not. If you do not depend on them and will not need their help, then better keep silent. Tell me later, when everything turns out the way you wanted.)

It may happen that you set yourself the “right age” for certain events (for example, to start a family and have a baby), but they did not happen. For example, you are 32, but you are not yet married. Then you have at least two options.

The first option: remember that the strongest marriages are concluded after the age of 30; review your plan, decide if it is still relevant to you, and move things to a later date.

The second option: decide to force events and take active steps to find the husband or father of the unborn child.

It goes without saying that the plan presented here is very arbitrary. You yourself choose and decide what events and at what age are desirable for you.

8. Change the environment. You can update the interior of your apartment or go somewhere for a couple of days. For example, visiting relatives. Or go on a weekend tour.

9. Communicate! You can go where there is an opportunity to meet people with similar interests. As you know, common interests always bring people together. Think about what clubs, societies, exhibitions, concerts or courses would suit you for this purpose, and go there.

10. Have fun. You can delve into reading, do yoga, draw or write poems, stories, songs. Start learning a foreign language or master playing a musical instrument. When you are busy with interesting things, time flies by. And if you do what you like, your mood rises, your facial expression and look change, you get the feeling that you are realizing yourself as a creative person. Your life becomes more harmonious, rich and interesting.

11. Keep in touch with friends and acquaintances. If at some point you have no one to talk to, dial the helpline that provides psychological assistance. They will listen to you and help you understand the situation.

Or chat with a stranger or stranger online. Waiting for someone to talk to you is a mistake. Start first. More than «no», you still will not be told. If you wrote to someone online and didn’t get a response or didn’t get the response you expected, then there’s a reason why the conversation didn’t work out.

Maybe your interlocutor was tired, in a bad mood, under stress, angry, or too busy with his own thoughts. His answer (or lack of answer) is connected with his life history, with his expectations, experience, momentary mood. Maybe you reminded him of someone he was disappointed in. Or he misjudged you. In any case, by starting a conversation, you create a situation favorable for communication. And to respond to your initiative or not — the right to choose your interlocutor. This, by the way, applies to any communication, and not just with invisible interlocutors on the Internet.

12. Develop communication skills. Learn to meet and maintain a conversation with a new person. You can learn this in communication trainings or on your own. Have you decided to try it yourself first?

Then the first step is to learn to smile. A smile and an expressive look are the most powerful means of communication! Take advantage of them. When you are on the subway, in a store or on the street, you notice someone’s gaze lingering on you a little longer than usual, you have only two options for responding.

The first option: you can make your gaze cold and take it to the side.

Second option: you can just smile (only before you smile, pay attention to whether the stranger belongs to your social circle).

Who knows, maybe the person who held their eyes on you is waiting and looking for you? If you find it difficult to smile at strangers, then start smiling at familiar people, neighbors, shop assistants when you see children and animals. If you lack self-confidence, then first practice smiling and sending the right look at home in front of the mirror.

The second step is to talk to a stranger. At first it may be women, teenagers or older men. Try to act as if you were in this city for the first time. Learn to ask questions. For example, smiling at a passerby on the street, ask: “Excuse me, how can I get to such and such a street?”, “Tell me, please, where is the ATM (station, post office, pharmacy) here?”, “Where does such and such a bus stop?” etc. Ask something neutral depending on the place and the situation in which you are. This will help you become more liberated. And after such preparatory work, you can try to get acquainted with the man you are interested in in the same way.

When you notice that a handsome stranger is looking at you, you can say hello to him. (If you are used to greeting neighbors, shop assistants, colleagues, then it will be easy for you to greet a stranger with the same ease.) Perhaps his look will take on a shade of confusion. He will try to guess how you know him, where you might have met before. Would you like to communicate further — please. You can start discussing «last party» with him. And when it turns out that you were mistaken, you will laugh and say that you probably confused him with one of the guests who were present at that party. Develop household acting and enjoy the role. If you are friendly and liberated, then the conversation will definitely continue.

From a conversation with Tanya: “This is how I met my future husband. It was summer. I was walking down the street and a young man was walking towards me. Either because the distance was large enough, or because the bright sun was shining directly into my eyes, it seemed to me that this young man was a friend of my older brother. Therefore, I already started smiling at him in advance and, coming closer, happily said: “Hi, Sasha! And I thought you were meeting in the studio now. Or are you not going today? And then it dawned on me that this was not Sasha, but some unfamiliar man, very similar to Sasha. The smile began to slip from my face, and I said in confusion: “Oh, it seems that I confused you with one of my acquaintances. Sorry». But he smiled kindly. Introduced himself. We struck up a conversation. So, that’s how we met.»

The third step is to learn how to keep the conversation going. In any suitable situation — in the waiting room at the airport or train station, in line to the doctor or at the ticket office, during intermission at the theater or a break at work — you can ask for help (tell the time, flight number, location of the information desk, etc.) .). Be prepared in advance for any response options, from a contemptuous look to a charming smile.

RULE №6

Don’t be afraid to take the initiative in your own hands. Address men with questions, ask for help, smile and strike up a conversation. So you will significantly increase your chances of finding a loved one.

If the interlocutor enters into communication with you, then be prepared to say a few words about something everyday: about the situation in which you are currently located (“also flying on a business trip” or “going to visit relatives”), about the weather, about the program TV shows about what you have recently seen or read. Take an interest in his life, tell us a little about yourself. Relationships that seem superficial at first can develop into strong friendship and love in the future.

Chapter 2

For some of us, love comes early and stays for a long time. For some reason, she is in no hurry to see others — the expectation drags on year after year, so sometimes people despair and stop waiting for her. Why is this happening and how can it be changed?

Let’s take a look at the typical causes of loneliness together and find out how you can get rid of them.

Once you have found your reason, you can stop reading, reflect on the situation, and decide how you will act to change your life for the better.

Reason 1. You have no one to communicate with

You feel like you are the only one in the world. There is no person nearby with whom one could at least just talk. There is no one who can truly appreciate the beauty of your soul.

What to do? Very often in a similar situation there are people who themselves (sometimes unconsciously) leave contacts and do not maintain contact with other people.

1. Does it happen that you try to interest others by showing them your Self, but not wanting to recognize their Self?

Then you first of all need to develop an interest in other people. Learn to listen to them, try to understand their position and share their experiences.

2. Try to talk to a neighbor, colleague, acquaintance — it is not at all necessary that your first «experiment» in communication should be the man of your dreams. Take an interest in her life, learn more about her and her favorite activities, note her virtues, praise her for certain actions. Feel like a good conversationalist. It may turn out that you have similar views and interests, and you will become friends.

3. If there is no one in your environment with whom you could make friends, then go to any forum on the Internet where the problems of loneliness are discussed. Perhaps you will meet a kindred spirit there. Even such remote communication will take you out of a state of complete isolation and incomprehension. By the way, be prepared for the fact that you will need to take the initiative and be the first to make contact — very often lonely people are waiting for someone else to pay attention to them and suggest topics for communication.

Reason 2. Low self-esteem

You often feel like you’re not good enough. You do not like your own appearance and figure. You are dissatisfied with your actions. It seems to you that you are not appreciated and not loved. Therefore, you doubt that you will be able to find love. The reason for such thoughts is low self-esteem.

What to do? First, with the help of tests, you can determine whether your self-esteem is really low.

TEST

«MEASURING SELF-ASSESSMENT»

This test helps to establish the level of your self-esteem. Keep in mind that its results will be more reliable if you first complete the tasks of the test, and then read what your answers say.

So, take a sheet of unlined paper and draw a vertical line about 10 cm long on it. With noticeable features, mark the extreme boundaries of the line, and put a barely noticeable dot in its middle. This line will represent «happiness». Imagine that at the bottom of this line are the most unhappy people, and at the top — the happiest.

Mark with a dot where you think you are on this line.

Draw a few more of the same vertical lines side by side, denoting “health”, “character”, “mind”, “appearance”, “self-satisfaction”, “self-confidence”. Mark your place on these lines, assuming that at the bottom are the sickest, with the worst character, the most ugly, dissatisfied with themselves and insecure people. And at the top — the most healthy, with a wonderful character, the most intelligent, very beautiful, self-approving and self-confident people. (In the original «Methodology of self-assessment Dembo — u.e.shtein» it is proposed to mark not only the place that, in your opinion, corresponds to you, but also what place you would like to occupy on the scale lines, and where you could be, objectively assessing their capabilities.)

Look at what level your marks are from the middle of the lines.

Result: if you put dots on the lines in the upper positions (from 7,5 to 10 cm), then this indicates that your self-esteem is too high. Most likely, you have an unshakable self-righteousness and a desire for superiority. You often criticize others, but you yourself do not tolerate comments and criticism addressed to you. You expect others to obey you unquestioningly and show admiration at the same time. But instead, there are overt or covert conflicts. The fact is that you expect worship from people whom you offend and humiliate with your words and behavior, trying to assert yourself at their expense. Try to be less arrogant and more considerate of others. Do not immediately reject everything new just because you do not know it.

Points set slightly above the middle of the lines (between 5 cm and 7,5 cm) reveal adequate, that is, normal, self-esteem. You know your strengths and weaknesses well enough and live in harmony with yourself. You are objective in evaluating yourself, because you realize that there are people who are more or less beautiful, successful, wealthy than yourself. You build relationships with people on the principle of equality and respect. You are used to relying on yourself and assert yourself through your own efforts, and not at the expense of other people.

If you put dots on the lines below the average level (below 5 cm), then you have low self-esteem. You often doubt yourself, dissatisfied with your appearance, intelligence, age, gender, work, abilities and achievements, as well as your surroundings. You are characterized by tightness and timidity. You are embarrassed to openly say what you think or feel, afraid to take risks and make decisions, and tend to fixate on your shortcomings and failures. If this is your result, then think about what prevents you from being higher on the scale lines.

1. What do you lack for happiness?

2. What needs to be changed to be happier?

3. What kind of people do you find the happiest and the most unhappy?

4. Who is to blame for your unhappiness?

The answers to these questions will help you understand the true cause of your low self-esteem.

TEST

«SELF-ASSESSMENT LEVEL»

You can determine your level of self-esteem by answering «Yes» or «No» to the following questions.

1. Do you often feel anxious for no specific reason?

2. Do you often take offense at others?

3. Do you often suffer from your own insecurities?

4. Do you feel like no one is interested in you?

5. Do you feel like no one understands you?

6. Do you often think that you shouldn’t have said or done something?

7. Do you feel like you don’t know how to communicate with people?

8. Are you afraid of looking stupid?

9. Do you need constant approval and support from other people?

10. Do you think that others look much better than you?

11. Do you worry about what others say about you?

12. Do you find it difficult to ask a stranger about something?

13. Are you embarrassed to ask a person who speaks loudly in a public place (at a bus stop, in transport, in a theater) to speak more quietly?

14. Do you fulfill other people’s requests just because you find it difficult to refuse?

15. Do you often imagine various situations in which you behave in a completely different way than in life?

16. Do you feel embarrassed if you need to keep up a conversation in an unfamiliar company?

17. Do you get lost when talking to a well-educated person?

18. Do you tend to change your plans at the last moment for fear of failure?

19. Do you feel tight and difficult to spontaneously express yourself in intimate relationships?

20. Do you prefer to suppress your feelings more often than to openly and sincerely express them?

If you answered “Yes” to more than 5 questions, then you have low self-esteem. You tend to see danger in everything and try to avoid real or imaginary failures with which you scare yourself. Even when events unfold successfully, you are afraid of problems and you are often overcome by doubts.

How to increase self-esteem

In order to change self-esteem, it is important to understand what it reflects and how it is formed.

Self-esteem is how you evaluate yourself. It is always subjective and reflects the degree of your self-esteem. Self-esteem can be based on comparing the level of claims with real results and on comparing oneself with other people. In the first case, it is about comparing who you really are with your idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbwhat you would like to be. In the second case, you determine what place you occupy among other people.

Self-esteem is formed in childhood under the influence of adults — first relatives and relatives, and then acquaintances and strangers. And if it is underestimated, then there can be many reasons for this:

• lack of love and attention;
• reproaches of parents;
• ridicule of classmates;
• sidelong glances of neighbors near the entrance;
• remarks of strangers;
• inability to do something the way you want;
• lack of experience in certain situations;
• excessive demands on oneself.

All this leads to the formation of an inferiority complex. You start comparing yourself to others and come to the conclusion that you don’t live up to the standards set by someone else. Therefore, you begin to consider yourself inferior to others. But in fact, no one is worse and no one is better! Everyone is good or bad in their own way. All have both advantages and disadvantages.

To increase self-esteem, you need, firstly, to change your attitude towards yourself, get rid of complexes and learn to feel attractive. Because the most important thing you lack is self-esteem. Secondly, we must learn to take the initiative into our own hands. How exactly can this be done? Let’s go through all the points one by one.

RULE №7

To increase self-esteem, develop self-esteem, learn to respect yourself, listen to your desires, feel attractive.

So, the first thing is to change the attitude towards yourself.

Why is it important? Because just like you are looking for the best, most successful and confident man, men are looking for the best, most successful and confident woman! If you do not like yourself or think that others will not be interested in you, then you send these signals to the surrounding space.

Until your attitude towards yourself changes, you will subconsciously avoid communication with men. First, because you think they don’t like you. (But it really only seems to you! You, like all other people, attribute your own opinion to others. This means that men like you as much as you like yourself.) Secondly, you will be afraid that a man , knowing you better, will consider you uninteresting, will be disappointed and leave.

To solve this problem, remember your childhood.

1. Do you remember fear that you are not good enough?

2. When you were a child, did you feel that you were unworthy of love?

3. Maybe you needed someone to love you?

If so, then you yourself must learn to treat yourself with love, the way a partner should treat you. Would you like him to respect you, pamper you, buy flowers and beautiful things? Start doing it for yourself.

An honest answer to the question: “What is special about me?” will help you change your attitude towards yourself.

Even if you immediately answer “Nothing!”, Then think: “If there was still something special, then what could it be?” Find these qualities in yourself. It is important that you adhere to the position “I am good and others are good too” (with low self-esteem “I am bad and others are good”, and with high self-esteem “I am good and others are bad”). Then you will not have to go into conflict with yourself or with others.

Here’s what you need to do.

1. Treat yourself and others with respect.

2. Stop constantly pointing out to yourself or aloud the shortcomings inherent in you or the people around you. In other words, stop criticizing yourself and others.

3. Think less about your shortcomings. Perhaps others do not know about them or even consider them to be your virtues.

RULE №8

Treat yourself and others with respect. Stop criticizing yourself and others. Think less about your shortcomings. Perhaps others consider them to be your virtues.

Look at yourself through the eyes of those (more precisely, that man) whom you want to please, and answer the questions.

1. What do they expect from you?

2. What would interest them about you?

3. Why might they love you?

You can talk about this with your relatives, acquaintances or colleagues you trust. It will be very easy to call them for a conversation if you notice: “You know, it’s so nice for me to talk with you!”. Most likely, in response you will hear: “And I am with you too!” Then you can ask what qualities of you are attractive to them, why they like to communicate with you.

Perhaps you will hear something about yourself that you did not even suspect. Write down all characteristics, definitions and ratings. Then, next to the negative definitions, write their positive opposites. For example, if you have been told that you are stubborn, then make stubbornness into perseverance in achieving goals.

Think about your strengths, what you do especially well. Make a list of your strengths by writing down all the positive comments in a notebook or tape recorder. As soon as you feel insecure, read, listen and repeat what you wrote down. Such self-hypnosis will help you use self-promotion at the right time: “My friends believe that I … (I know how to listen carefully, I can provide support in a difficult situation, I cook very tasty).”

Perhaps your self-esteem is low because you still cannot forgive yourself for past mistakes. But if you do not allow yourself to make mistakes, then you claim absolute perfection in everything. Such a requirement is unrealistic! Do you know at least one person who has never made mistakes? To me — no. As you know, «an arrow that hits the target is the result of hundreds of arrows flying past.» So give yourself permission to make mistakes.

Most situations can be turned into a joke and draw the appropriate conclusions. Treat mistakes as an experience, not as an occasion for incessant worries and reproaches. Try to do your best instead of demanding perfect results from yourself. Learn to approve of yourself and your actions.

RULE №9

Stop criticizing yourself for past mistakes. Do your best instead of demanding perfect results from yourself.

Your self-esteem rises when you are engaged in an important thing for you and achieve success in it. So do what matters to you. And try on the role of a lucky person.

1. Act like you always get things the way you want them to.

2. Even if you lack self-confidence, act as if you have no doubts about your abilities.

3. Look at yourself in the mirror, raise your head, smile, “revive” your eyes. Remember your inner feelings and call them into yourself more often.

4. Learn to wear pointy heels.

After a while, you will notice that you have become more confident in yourself.

The second thing you need to do is get rid of complexes.

To do this, first think about when and in connection with what they formed in you. You may have formed an opinion about yourself based on the words and actions of others. But these words and actions cannot be XNUMX% relied upon, because they are based on the ideas and prejudices of other people. That is, you “saw” yourself in “crooked mirrors”.

To get rid of the complexes, you need to understand how you benefit from them. Perhaps they perform a protective function and justify you in case of failure: “I told you that nothing would work out for me”, “Nothing can be done, I have always been like this … (unlucky, stubborn, shy)”, “She is beautiful and slim — not like me. That’s why she has fans and I don’t.»

But actually you justify yours:

• ignorance (“I don’t know what I need to do to make everything work out the way I want”);
• unwillingness (“May I not change my hairstyle and do all sorts of exercises there!”);
• inaction.

You, too, can achieve whatever you want.

1. Stop confusing your complexes with uniqueness and hold on to them. They are based on your past negative experience or fear of the future. But for now, they don’t matter.

2. Create an adequate image of yourself and realize that even if you habitually act as you have always done, next time you can do it differently.

RULE №10

In order to get rid of the complexes, you need to understand what they protect you from, how they are beneficial to you. After all, with the help of complexes it is very convenient to justify your inaction.

The third thing you need to do is to feel attractive.

It is not as difficult as it seems at first glance. First think and answer the question: why do you not like yourself and why do you want to be attractive? Most likely, you are afraid that if you don’t like yourself, then no one will like you. And you want to be attractive so that someone can fall in love with you. That is, the main reason is to please someone. Hence the irritation about a large nose, a face of the wrong shape, a bad figure, etc.

But all these «little things» are of secondary importance! Remember your friends. Take a look around. What couples do you see? Are only women with a model appearance always happy, but not with a “normal” one? Or does it happen the other way around?

“Some women are worried about their appearance — and the eyes are small, and the nose is not Greek, and the hair is sparse, and in general the face is the most ordinary. But it is not this that makes a woman beautiful, but the expression on her face. A woman whose eyes shine with joy, and whose face radiates with kindness, is beautiful, no matter what her nose, color and shape of her eyes, hair density may be. A dull, sad or angry, arrogant facial expression, even if its owner is a written beauty, will scare away any man, ”writes in her book“ A Lonely Woman Seeks … ” Dilya Enikeeva. And one cannot but agree with this.

In fact, a beautiful appearance is an important component only at the beginning of a relationship. Men pay more attention to beautiful women. But they are afraid to start romances with them — suddenly the beauty will be inaccessible and humiliate in front of outsiders or will be too demanding and will not be faithful if she agrees to be a girlfriend or wife. In addition, if, in addition to external data, a woman does not have other virtues, then beauty will not help her build a happy and harmonious relationship.

To feel attractive, it is important to see in yourself what you really like. It can even be such trifles as an eyebrow line or a small mole on the cheek. And you can easily find such advantages yourself. Just don’t be overly critical. There are no standards to compare yourself to. All these standards you come up with for yourself. And if you are too strict about your appearance, you can «correct» it with makeup. Look at the photos of movie stars without makeup — many of them have the most ordinary appearance! A well-chosen makeup turns each of them into a beauty.

RULE №11

The main thing in appearance is not ideal features, but facial expression. An expressive look and a sincere smile make any woman attractive.

There are times when women are so dissatisfied with their appearance that they isolate themselves within four walls. And then they need serious psychological help. But more often, the necessary changes are easy to make on your own: change makeup and hairstyle, revise and choose the right wardrobe. Only if you resist change can it become a «stumbling block» for you. Such resistance arises because you are accustomed to yourself and understand: having changed externally, you will change internally. You do not yet know such a “new” self and are afraid to recognize it.

Example. Rita has an angelic character: kind, attentive, caring, she will listen and sympathize. But, despite such wonderful qualities, one in her 32 years. According to her, “because of her appearance: plump, round face, small eyes, snub-nosed nose, straight eyelashes, hair sticking out in different directions…”. Rita does not like herself, she is angry at herself and at her fullness. And therefore «jams» his discontent. She refuses to put on makeup and change her wardrobe: “What are you doing ?! I’m not like that! And if someone likes me, I get married and my husband sees me without makeup? He will leave me! Well, you look at me … ”It turns out a vicious circle.

What can help her? To begin with — a psychologist, and then a hairdresser and decorative cosmetics. When a hairstyle is chosen that matches the shape of the face, and the «shortcomings» of the appearance are corrected, then Rita herself will be pleased with the result. She will love herself! And her self-esteem will automatically rise. Then she wouldn’t have to eat so many chips, cakes, chocolates. And the figure will take on more seductive forms. Indeed, in fact, the fact that Rita cannot meet anyone is not so much her appearance that is to blame, but her self-esteem, shyness and inability to communicate with men.

One of the most common causes of dissatisfaction with oneself is an “imperfect” figure and excess weight. In this case, the best solution is to do figure correction. But it’s not worth getting too upset.

Firstly, a small «overweight» will not affect your relationship with men. Only if you weigh 20% more than the standard weight calculated for your height, this can cause a lack of male attention. Secondly, no matter what appearance and figure you have, you can find a man who will like you. After all, every man has his own tastes: someone likes petite women, someone likes tall ones. Someone is delighted with curvaceous female forms, and someone appreciates fragility and grace. Pay attention to men who like women of your type. And do not try by all means to interest those who do not like women of your type.

Try to always look good in order to be pleased with yourself. And if this is not always possible, then shift the emphasis from your appearance to charm and the ability to communicate with people.

And now recommendations that will help you if you do not know how to spend your free time, consider yourself not interesting enough and do not dare to take the initiative into your own hands. First, take care to be content with the conditions of your life. Determine what you are unhappy with and what you do not like. And then think about how you can change that. For example, you want to make changes to the furnishings of an apartment. Ask yourself the question: “What exactly would I like to change?” Then you will need to collect ideas, leaf through brochures and catalogs, calculate possible costs, clarify what and where to buy, etc.

If you intend to spend your free time in a different way, then you have to find out what you like to do; find out where and who offers this kind of service, the cost and schedule of classes.

If you consider yourself not interesting enough, then think about your hobbies. Find an activity that gives you pleasure. When you are happy with what you are doing, you will automatically become more attractive to others and treat yourself with respect.