How to improve relations with a teenager (A. Ponomarenko)

Introduction

Do you have a child, and not even one? Are you afraid of adolescence because you have heard a lot of «horror stories» about how a child’s behavior changes at this age? Are you afraid you won’t make it? Then this book is for you.

Its pages describe the main problems that almost all parents of teenagers face. And also ways of their effective solution are offered. These are actionable, practical tips that have been proven to work and are not difficult to put into practice.

By starting to apply the tips in a complex way, you have a great chance to raise a successful, healthy child.

It should be remembered that adolescence is one of the most important life periods of a person, when the ability to consciously manage one’s own behavior is formed. It is during this period that the formation of the structure of one’s own hierarchy, one’s own values ​​takes place. The criterion of age is those neoplasms that characterize the essence of each age. Neoplasm — a new type of personality structure, its activities, those mental and social changes that first occur at a given age stage and which in the most important and fundamental way determine the child’s consciousness, his attitude to the environment, his inner and outer life, the entire course of his development in given period. The leading activity of adolescence is intimate-personal communication with peers. Formation of moral values, ideas about oneself, about the meaning of life, self-consciousness. There is a reproduction of new models in relations between peers. The relationships that exist between adults.

Thanks to this, new tasks and motives for further own activity arise.

During adolescence, changes in a child’s personality can occur abruptly, critically, and may occur gradually. And how the child will go through this difficult period, with what baggage of values ​​​​and skills he will come out of there, fully depends on the parents, that is, on you. Many authors in their works noted that the formation and development of self-confidence is relevant for a person at all age stages, and especially in adolescence.

This is due to the fact that this period is one of the most difficult and critical stages of human development. Adolescents, as a rule, have difficulty solving their psychological problems, they are conflicted in social interaction, they do not tend to productively get out of stressful situations, they are characterized by painful experiences, increased sensitivity and irritability, the transfer of dissatisfaction with themselves to the world around them, a feeling of loneliness, fear of ridicule increased anxiety, insecurity, etc.

It depends on you, dear parents, how your child will grow up: a successful, accomplished person or a neurotic middle peasant. It depends on you whether your offspring will be an assistant and support when you retire, or whether you will carry him on your shoulders all your life.

Read, put into practice the acquired knowledge and live in peace with your children!

Chapter 1

Many parents are afraid of adolescence like fire. It seems that no age has been honored with so many horror stories and myths as this one. Meanwhile, following the simple rules of communication with your own child, this period can become the key to a strong future relationship, when your son or daughter will become your reliable support. Only in order to comply with these rules, and the parents themselves will have to try — somewhere to restrain emotions, somewhere to refuse to watch a football match and instead talk and discuss the problems that the offspring has. This will take effort, and many parents are lazy, prefer not to interfere and step back.

A case from psychological practice:

They came to the reception together — Olya and her mother. More precisely, it was my mother who brought Olya, declaring from the threshold that I «must do something so that her daughter obeys.» The reason for the appeal is the inability to establish contact with each other. “She is rude to me,” my mother was indignant.

However, Olya, a teenager of 15, did not give the impression of an aggressive person hostile to the world. On the contrary, she gave the impression that she was an indecisive and anxious teenager. Maybe that’s why she tried to treat what was happening a little detached.

Of course, we first talked to my mother. It was necessary to convince an already adult person that I was not a magician and that I could wave my wand and say: “Crex, Pex, Fex — Olya, listen to your mother” — I can’t. And that you need to start with yourself — change your attitude towards your daughter yourself.

We spent a long time figuring out what the so-called rudeness is. Finally found out.

— You understand, she does nothing of what I ask — mother’s indignation knew no bounds.

— How do you ask? I ask. — Show.

— Well, how … — Mom tries to concentrate in order to show as authentically as possible … Her lips begin to involuntarily tighten into a “chicken tail”, a deep fold lies between her eyebrows. The look becomes heavy. “Olechka,” she says breathlessly, and even I get goosebumps from her tone, “Go do your homework,” then she waits a couple of seconds and adds: “Quickly!”

— And why did you add “quickly”? – I wonder if she keeps track of her reactions or if she did it spontaneously.

“Well, why… I don’t know. To do it quickly. If I don’t tell her, then she won’t go, — my mother is already starting to get annoyed with such a stupid psychologist.

— And what does he do quickly? I am naively interested.

— Of course not. Doesn’t do anything,” Mom sighs heavily, as if offering me to sympathize with her.

Does she give you any reason? I ask.

No, she just stops responding to me. I can’t get anything from her, she immediately goes into the room and starts crying.

How do you react to her crying?

“First, I appeal to reason,” my mother, as it seemed to me, for the first time tried to think about what she was doing in response to her daughter’s tears, “But my grandmother … she begins to feel sorry for her, to calm her down. She tells me: “Well, what do you want from her, it is so difficult to study now. Not everyone can be smart.” And I give up, I also begin to calm her down, and so on all the time. Vicious circle.

— So why do you call her behavior rudeness? It seems to me that boorish behavior is somewhat different, I notice.

— So I’m nervous, — mom’s eyes just burn with indignation. — Making your mother nervous! I do everything for her: cook, clean, wash. I go to meetings. I do everything for her! – it seemed to me that the walls trembled from her pathos.

I really wanted to ask her: “Do you even love your daughter?”

It was enough just to look at the children’s facial expressions to understand what the essence of the problem was: a monstrous distortion of the parent-child relationship. Mom perceives herself as a machine that provides certain functions: feed, wash, check the lessons. What about talking? Find out what the child feels, how he lives. Maybe someone unfairly offended him at school? Help solve the situation?

If this is not done, then the child will live with a sense of insecurity. And, growing up, he will begin to defend himself — as best he can. And here it will not seem enough to anyone, because his methods of protection are the most primitive: aggression or avoidance. That is, either attacked and beaten, or left altogether.

— Physically. From home — to the street, to distant relatives, wherever your eyes look.

— Psychologically. When a person, as it were, breaks the internal connection with the outside world, he stops responding.

As a result of prolonged stress, the integrity of the individual is under threat of destruction. When certain external events begin to destroy the picture of the world, very often a behavior model is chosen, which in the scientific literature is called “learned helplessness”.

The term «learned helplessness» was coined by the American psychologist Martin Seligman and his collaborators back in the 70s. They conducted a series of experiments on dogs. The dogs were divided into three groups: the first, second and control. All of them were exposed to an electric current. The first group of animals was placed in a cage with a special elnik, pressing on which with the nose, the dog could stop the current. Dogs quickly learned to do this. The dogs from the second group did not have a elnik and the ability to turn off the stun gun. They soon gave up, lay on the floor and whimpered in pain. There was no effect on the control group.

In the second part of the experiment, the animals were placed in cages where the pain from the shocker could be avoided by jumping over a fence. Dogs from the first and control groups did just that. The dogs from the second group lay down again and whined. They didn’t even try to jump over the barrier. Psychologists call this «learned helplessness syndrome.»

That is, such a state when a person is sure in advance that he will not succeed, that he is a failure and it is not worth even trying.

The decisive factor in the development of the state of helplessness was that the very first experience of the animal in this experiment was associated with the inevitability of electric shocks. Seligman saw in such a helplessness syndrome an analogy with the condition for the occurrence of chronic bad luck and reactive depression in people.

However, if we consider learned helplessness from the point of view of neurophysiology, then such a reaction to external stimuli is justified. More I.P. Pavlov drew attention to the so-called «dynamic stereotype». If we take into account the fact that a stable dynamic stereotype — the habit of responding — is born in childhood, then the roots of learned helplessness are also there. Olya, on the other hand, has formed a corresponding model of behavior: when I start to cry, they pity me, I get my portion of parental warmth. That is, the more unhappy I am (read, more helpless) — the more warmth.

Then we talked with Olya about her childhood, about how adults reacted to her successes and failures. Her picture of childhood was typical: adults were mercilessly criticized for mistakes, successes were considered natural.

— Once they even put me in a corner for breaking a plate when washing dishes, — Olya sighed. — Although it happened by accident, and the plate was old, — wow, so many years have passed, and she is still making excuses for that unfortunate plate. Although I’m basically an outsider.

— Olya, how old were you when you broke it?

— About four years, probably.

Dear parents, you have a four-year-old child who washes dishes. She tries to help her mother around the house. Why do you demand from him those skills that are inherent in an adult? What does a four-year-old child get when an attempt to help him is announced that he is incompetent?

Scientists have conducted a number of studies on the sources of the style of explaining their own successes and failures in children. A study by the aforementioned Seligman and colleagues found that the child’s explanatory style showed a significant positive relationship with the mother’s explanatory style. The explanatory style is shaped by the nature of parental feedback. The criticism that adults address to a child in case of his failures leaves an imprint on what he thinks of himself. The pessimistic explanatory style is formed on the basis of non-constructive self-image: “I am a complete nonentity”, “I am a failure”, etc. The optimistic style is formed on the basis of unconditional positive reinforcement and is associated with a constructive self-image: “I can do better”, «I’m not a chervonets to please everyone», etc.

Take the case of this unfortunate plate. How could mom react to the unfortunate broken plate? Calmly tell your daughter: “It’s okay, you’re still doing great — look how hard you try! And the fact that it crashed is okay, you didn’t know that it would turn out like that. You’ll be more careful next time.» And a connection will not be formed that it is bad to take the initiative in activities (in the mind of the child — to know the world).

A small child cannot yet think in terms of adults — “this is an expensive thing; it is part of the service; to buy this, do you know how much you have to work? For a small child, any thing in the space around him is just an object of knowledge of the world. That is why children dismantle their cars, press all the buttons on the tablet without fear of damaging it. They undertake to wash the dishes — it’s interesting how clean plates are obtained. Plus, mom will praise — also nice.

If the baby is not allowed to actively explore the world (of course, making sure that the study is safe is a sacred parental duty), then in adolescence it will be completely uninteresting to him. And it’s scary — after all, this fact sits in the subconscious that too much cognitive activity caused a negative reaction from others. Accordingly, dear parents, what kind of interest in learning do you dream of? Education is also a kind of knowledge of the surrounding reality. And you already once explained to the child that he does not need to know the world.

My three-year-old goddaughter decided to check if it was possible to cover the whole room with a painting roll from the Ikea store. For several hours she puffed and diligently rolled out the roll on the floor, trying to do it evenly. Then she decided that the unrolled roll did not look very nice, and from part of the roll she made “snow” — a mountain of torn pieces of paper that decorated the corner of the room.

Her mother took a picture of it and posted it on social media. The Internet space reacted with violent pity for the parents. Many have calculated how long cleaning will take. Stupid, they felt sorry for their parents, counting time and effort in this situation. Who will remember them in many years, when parental approval of paper paths across the room and heaps of «snow» will turn the baby into a confident and successful person!

After all, not a single person came up with the idea that the time spent on cleaning is nothing compared to the lesson that the little girl received. And the lesson is simple — think, explore the world, that’s right, that’s interesting.

M. Seligman’s research was continued by Julius Kuhl, a German scientist. He did very interesting experiments on his students. Students were asked to solve various logical problems. All the proposed tasks had no solution, but the students who took part in the experiment did not know about it. At the beginning of the experiment, the teacher announced that the problems were simple, easy to solve, and everyone should cope with them effortlessly.

After several unsuccessful attempts to solve these «simple» problems and listening to the experimenter’s negative comments about the abilities of the subjects, most people fell into a state of anxiety and despair, since, of course, a blow was dealt to self-esteem.

After that, the subjects were offered a simple task, the solution of which was really easy, but with which they also could not cope, since “learned helplessness” had formed. Yes, yes, that’s how quickly it is formed! Yu. Kul suggested that the decrease in efficiency in solving a simple problem in the latter case is due to the inability of a person to quickly abstract from the thought of failure.

Thought: «I’m a complete nonentity, I’m clumsy», remaining in the active state, absorb the resources necessary to implement the intention.

The scientist proved that learned helplessness is a violation of the ability to overcome difficulties that have arisen and a refusal to take any action to overcome a crisis situation. Refusal of active actions is motivated by negative previous experience of overcoming failures in similar situations.

Like this. Julius Kuhl found out that if there are three components such as:

1) the presence in a person of a clear inner confidence in the absence of his own strength to cope with the task himself;

2) a feeling of impossibility of control over the situation;

3) confidence that failure depends on personal qualities — are present at the same time, then a state of «learned helplessness» arises. If a person is sure that a situation that does not suit him does not depend either on his behavior or on his efforts to change this situation; that only he is to blame for all his failures (his stupidity, mediocrity, unprofessionalism, etc.), and success, if it suddenly happens, is due to a fortunate combination of circumstances or outside help, and certainly not by his abilities, then he will not do anything to remedy the situation.

And this ugly thought is most often instilled in the child by loving parents.

The presence of learned helplessness in a person can be easily determined on the basis of words — markers used in speech. These words include:

• “I can’t” (ask for help, build normal relationships, change my behavior, etc.);
• “I don’t want to” (learn a difficult subject, change lifestyle, resolve an existing conflict, etc.);
• “Always” (“I explode” over trifles, I’m late for meetings or work, I always lose everything, etc., that is, “I have always been, am and will be”);
• “Never” (I can’t prepare for a meeting in time, I don’t ask for help, I will never be able to cope with this problem, etc.);
• “Everything is useless” (there is nothing to try, no one has ever succeeded in this situation, and not like you tried, but …);
• “In our family, everyone is like that” (family messages about abilities in certain sciences, about an unsuccessful fate or marriage).

Helplessness often disguises itself behind various conditions that are identified as something else, such as neurasthenia, fatigue, apathy. Oddly enough, but the behavior of people in a state of learned helplessness is diametrically opposed.

The main behaviors are:

1. Pseudo-activity (meaningless, not purposeful, fussy activity that does not lead to results and with subsequent inhibition);

2. Complete refusal of activity;

3. Stupor (state of inhibition, misunderstanding);

4. The use of stereotyped actions to find one that is adequate to the situation, while constantly monitoring the results;

5. Destructive behavior (aggression directed at oneself and/or others);

6. Shift to a pseudo-goal (engaging in another activity that gives a feeling of achieving a result — a substituting action).

Factors preventing the formation of learned helplessness include:

– Experience of active overcoming of difficulties and own search behavior. This increases a person’s resistance to failure.

— Psychological attitudes regarding the explanation of their success and failures. A person who believes that his successes are random and due to a combination of circumstances (lucky chance, help from outside, etc.), and failures are natural and due to his personal shortcomings, capitulate to difficulties and learn helplessness faster than a person with opposite attitudes.

— High self-esteem. If a person retains respect for himself under all circumstances, he is more resistant to the formation of the state “I can’t do anything, everyone save me.”

– Optimism reflects a person’s belief in a positive outlook, which is associated with positive thinking and therefore is one of the factors counteracting the formation of learned helplessness.

Thus, learned helplessness is a kind of psychological defense of one’s ego. We subconsciously cannot allow our deep self, our very essence, to be ostracized by others. No one (including ourselves) should doubt that our essence, the core, the core is omnipotent and beautiful. Therefore, in order to preserve the power of his Ego, a person goes to the end. He uses the most sophisticated, most destructive types of psychological defenses, including extreme inhibition — depression.

I dwell on helplessness itself in such detail, because in recent times it has become the main reason for the failure of modern teenagers both in school and in relationships.

Olya from childhood was sure that she was mediocre, she would not succeed. And that her destiny is to cook borscht in the kitchen, working in the clinic at the reception. A somewhat strange choice for a modern teenager, but my mother worked in the clinic. It’s at the register. And she really wanted her daughter to be «supervised.»

— Don’t you think, in this case, that it is illogical to force a girl with such a future profession to study? Why does she need good grades, because in her work, rather, other qualities will be useful to her — reaction speed, attentiveness.

— And so it is necessary. You have to study well. And she has half of the «triples».

— And who does Olya want to be?

— By whom? — I thought that my mother first thought about this issue. — But he will grow up, go to work and will decide who to be. In the meantime, I decide this, since I feed her.

As they say, «no comment». “If only someone would marry you,” the “kind” mother seems to have used every opportunity to show her worthlessness to her daughter.

The most amazing thing is that for a long time the mother could not understand what she was saying to her daughter so terrible.

— Do you understand that you are doing everything so that your daughter grows up an unhappy person? – I didn’t even know what arguments were needed to explain such an obvious thing.

“Yes, if I praise her, she will grow up selfish,” my mother did not give up.

I must say that in order to unravel this tangle of relationships, it took quite a long time to work. Thank God, Olya’s mother realized that fear of failure is not rudeness, and that the role of a victim imposed on a teenager will not lead to anything good.

To overcome such helplessness, this «domocles sword» of modern adolescents, it is necessary to train the ability for search behavior, search activity — activity aimed at changing the situation. It is important to emphasize that it is the search activity as a process, even regardless of the pragmatic result, that increases the body’s resistance to both diseases and learned helplessness, which is a refusal to search. Search activity is more successfully stimulated by tasks that do not have an unambiguous solution.

The point of view of the psychophysiologist V. Rotenberg on overcoming learned helplessness is very interesting. Rotenberg considers overcoming learned helplessness from the point of view of a cross-cultural and religious component.

Indeed, within the framework of the Orthodox religion, sacrifice, helplessness, and failure have always been perceived with sympathy; all failures have been explained simply: “It is pleasing to God.”

In Russia, suffering has always been elevated to a virtue, the great martyrs were deified, the weak were supported. Therefore, no matter how strange it sounds, in our country it is beneficial to be weak and helpless, but it is shameful to be strong and successful. But as soon as the external conditions changed globally, people, accustomed to being weak and unhappy, could not oppose anything to the circumstances.

Education within the framework of Judaism, as Rotenberg notes, is characterized by the encouragement of mental activity from early childhood. The Talmud, which is studied in a religious school, is not some kind of set of undeniable truths. This is a conflict of different, often contradictory interpretations of the same events.

In contrast to other religions, Jewish children have developed an anti-dogmatic approach to the most complex issues of life over the centuries.

The child was asked to find his own position in the process of comparison and discussion. It turned out that any student could become, as it were, a co-author of a comment. He did not receive a ready-made truth (as it often happens today, unfortunately, not only at school, but also at universities) — he himself was looking for solutions.

The demand for active participation in the construction of one’s own personality elevates the child in his own eyes and encourages him to search activity. And when he is convinced that the interpretations that contradict each other do not negate, but complement each other, then the child realizes that the same problem can have many solutions.

Now the so-called “Jewish mother phenomenon” is even being actively discussed on the Internet. This phenomenon is precisely to support a small child in all his attempts to learn about the world, to give a sense of security and to inspire the thought: “You can do anything. If it doesn’t work out this way, it will work out differently. Try, act. Look for solutions.»

In principle, simple truths, but for some reason everything simple seems ineffective to us. Simple physical education is ineffective — to be in shape, Pilates is a must. In order for a child to grow up successful, “Early Development Schools”, super-elite gymnasiums, and a tutor are definitely needed.

However, in adolescence, communication comes to the fore, and how he will be in his group — confident, active, able to extinguish conflicts or an outcast — depends on the future success of your child.

Therefore, if you are the parents of a teenager, then you need to adjust the methods of communication with your own offspring. After all, adolescence is practically your last chance to correct the mistakes that you made in parenting when your child was a chubby baby with dimples.

1. The main feature of adolescence is drastic hormonal and functional changes in the body, which cannot but affect its psyche. Accordingly, the style of communication with a teenager should be different from the style of communication with a younger student. Rebuild.

2. At this age, teenagers are usually emotionally unstable and vulnerable. So watch HOW you speak as much as WHAT you say.

3. Monologues should be left in the past. What they managed to inspire, they managed. Now just a conversation on an equal footing. Get used to the dialogue.

4. Be more interested in the opinion of a teenager about your being. Ask more often about future major purchases, about planning expenses, about upcoming repairs. Be sure to listen to his recommendations. And, if your son or daughter thinks that the wallpaper in the living room should be green — buy green. If you do it your way, you will lose his trust. Think about what is more important: the trust of your son (daughter) or the color of the wallpaper. And after 5 years, glue new ones, to your taste.

5. During adolescence, communication becomes the leading activity. The impression that a teenager makes on peers comes to the fore. Never criticize him in the presence of friends, do not tell stories about how he was small and did stupid things. This can be painful and rob you of his trust.

6. A special evaluation category for adolescents is what is called “advanced ancestors” in their slang. Most often, this means only 2 things:

— parents do not read notations (see paragraph 3);

– parents understand their culture (fashion, clothing, etc.).

The fact is that in adolescence, the opinion of peers for a child is much more important than the opinion of adults. It is the opinion of peers that affects adolescent self-esteem. And for this reason, teenagers cannot but take into account youth trends both in hobbies and in clothes. Spend a couple of hours of your time and find out who is currently popular with young people. Having offered to listen to something less radical, offer him an alternative in his coordinate system, and not in your own. And it is highly likely that he will listen to you (subject to paragraph 3).

7. Often ask the teenager’s opinion «about life in general.» Children at this age are socially active, they always want to share their opinions with someone. Be a grateful listener! Ask questions from the series: “why do you think so”, “what do you think”.

8. Argue! Your offspring called Parfyonov a «bore», but you don’t agree? Defend your point of view, but delicately. The policy of conciliation resembles indifference. The child should feel that you are interested in his opinion not only at the everyday level, but also at the global level.

9. At the age of 14–20, you want to change the world. If this is your case, rejoice! Your child has a good heart. Just avoid ridicule! One wrong intonation — and the entrance to his inner world will be closed to you. Support his desire to join youth organizations. The main thing is to check (in the era of the Internet this is not difficult) that the organization does not have an extremist or other negative character.

10. Praise more often. Surely there is something to it. “What would I do without you”, “Thank you for helping”, “Well done” — such simple phrases, but how important they are for a teenager!

Key Mistakes

Error # 1

They continue to communicate with a teenager, as with a younger student. The difference in perception of the world between them is huge. For a young student, education is the most important thing. That is, one’s own solvency is evaluated by school success. Therefore, excellent students in the lower grades enjoy indisputable authority.

For teenagers, communication with peers comes first. And his status, self-esteem, self-awareness now depends on whether he is successful with friends, what role he plays among them, a leader or an eternal loser. Appearance comes first. Try to tell a five-year-old girl: “you are fat.” And say the same to a fifteen year old. And you will feel the difference.

Bulimia, anorexia, dysmorphophobia (rejection of one’s own appearance) are rooted in adolescence — in a careless word, in disregard for needs.

Error # 2

Parents do not understand the importance of the first romantic interest. As if forgetting their first love, they begin to interfere with relationships, say nasty things about the object of adoration, or even intrude into personal life: check mail, mobile phone, meet after class. The argument, as a rule, is one: this is a frivolous hobby and can harm your studies. However, in this situation, it could be the other way around. If the beloved or beloved is a serious, positive person who strives to take place in the future, then together it will be easier for them to prepare for exams and pass tests. And by the way, under the influence of the object of love, your offspring, who dreams of a modest non-state university, can believe in himself and pass the exam even better than expected. And all in order to enter Moscow State University together.

Well, if, nevertheless, in youth, the child really “blew his head”, then try to help him organize his living space in such a way that there is enough time for romance and preparing for exams. Seeing on your part a desire to help, and not resistance to his feelings, your offspring may well heed your advice and combine relationships and studies.

Error # 3

Parents focus on learning, forgetting about the need for communication. Fear for the future of their own child makes parents load a teenager to the fullest. Not only study until the evening, but also homework, courses, tutors.

But in adolescence, the natural need to communicate with peers comes to the fore. Dear parents, who are not in the know: currently success is 20% professionalism and 80% communication. What is communication? It’s the ability to communicate. So when to learn this, if not in adolescence? While it’s not scary to fill bumps, learn from your own example that fists are not always an effective argument. Let the child learn new ways of responding, apply new ways out of conflict situations. And if at home his grandmother immediately reacted to his insult with hot cheesecakes, then peers can send him away. And take offense alone on a bench in the park.

When else to learn communication, if not at this age? And you, on the contrary, tell me, correct me, advise how to behave.

After all, if a person does not know how to communicate, then he will not see a good career — and his rationalization proposal must be correctly substantiated. And the refusal of the boss must be able to correctly argue. And it is desirable to have good relations with colleagues — so that they do not set up, but, on the contrary, help and prompt.

And what about family life! The ability to communicate constructively is the foundation of a happy family life. Then the conflicts will be constructive, and therefore solvable.

Therefore, humble yourself and, when scheduling classes, be sure to allocate time for communication with peers — going to the cinema, guests, to discos.

Chapter 2

Psychologists have long noticed that the environment is the most important factor in the formation of personality. Many authors of books on personal effectiveness and motivation even suggest such an exercise: take the total average income of friends, and those with whom a person communicates most often, and compare it with your own average income. Most often, these two numbers coincide. So, if teenagers compare not income, but average scores in studies, then the result will be about the same.

Communication is our first need. As a result of communication, a person should develop special individual qualities — acceptance of the goals of the team, coordination of actions with the group. If this does not happen, then in adulthood there may be great difficulties in communication — such a person simply will not be able to find a common language with colleagues.

Indeed, no matter how a person is endowed with the talent of a pianist, if he lives in a marginal environment, he will never know about his talent. Accordingly, the most ordinary child, who is brought up among musicians, has every chance to take a worthy place in the artistic world. Therefore, it is so important for parents to keep track of the children’s social circle, which can be both a step up the steps of personality development and down.

A case from psychological practice:

Igor, 13 years old, was brought in for a consultation by his father. Athletic, fit, confident man. Igor was very similar to him — also athletic, tall, only his eyes were somehow hunted. This contrast was immediately evident: an interesting teenager, and a look like that of a beaten dog.

It turned out that dad saw in Igor exclusively an athlete. Powerful and authoritative, he demanded exceptional results from his son. Daily push-ups, pull-ups, squats. Classes in the swimming section. Participation in competitions where Igor has not yet shown high results. Dad was terribly annoyed and unnerved. “Dumbhead”, “weakling” are the simplest of those epithets that the “kind” dad awarded his son every day.

Igor tried his best, but, apparently, even in amateur sports talent is needed — he did not rise further than the fourth or fifth place.

The son really wanted to please his dad, tried his best, the last to leave training. But daddy’s hopes did not justify.

In the class, on the contrary, Igor was considered handsome, strong, girls liked him. He studied averagely, but for teenagers this is no longer of fundamental importance. He was not like everyone else, and clearly stood out in a positive way against the background of frail classmates.

One day, the unspoken class leader asked him to help «deal» with the students of a nearby school. What they did not share there is not so important. The fact remains — as soon as the guys from another company saw Igor, so tall, broad-shouldered, they immediately backed off and settled the matter amicably.

This made an impression on the class leader, and he began to invite Igor «to meetings» more and more often. And then Igor was completely accepted into their team.

Now he was surrounded by guys who studied very poorly, were not fond of anything except computer games, and the nearest plans extended only to the next weekend. No long-term projects, no dreams, no life goals.

But they really appreciated Igor, treated him with respect. Yes, and other classmates, who had previously treated the guy indifferently, suddenly saw something in him: they began to call for birthdays, walks.

Igor began to skip training, to be insolent to dad. Dad initially reset everything to a transitional age, hormonal changes. But once he «caught» Igor smoking behind the garages and was so shocked that he did not even scold him — he simply did not know how to react. It was after the smoking episode that both of them came to me for a consultation.

“You see,” Dad tried to speak confidently, “I do everything for him. And sports, and a summer camp for US dollars, and special food — just swim. And not only does he not show results, he also got in touch with these … — dad could not find words. — They incite him not to go to training, they inspired him that he is so well done. Yes, what a fine fellow he is, if he has never risen above the fourth place?

“You know, I think that his classmates put a slightly different meaning into the word “well done,” I remark. — And they don’t approach Igor with a scale: he won a medal — well done; did not win — a loser.

— But how, so much has been invested. At home, there are as many simulators as in the gym, no household chores, just train, — dad lists.

“Look, he’s thirteen and he’s seen nothing but sports. If Igor has not achieved great results before this time, then he is unlikely to become an Olympic champion. Do you know how many kids go in for sports after school? Millions. And how many of those who go to a sports school are part of the Olympic reserve? And look how many champions we have. Sports also require talent. If your child does not have it, it is neither good nor bad. That’s what nature intended. Maybe he has a talent for something else.

“So, just drop everything like that?” Daddy jumps up and down in his chair.

“Of course not,” I say. Why is everything either black or white? Or an Olympic champion, or no classes at all. Try to find the middle ground. With your endless nitpicking, you only lower your son’s self-esteem — and nothing more. The child must be successful. If he loses all the time, then the idea that he is a loser takes root very firmly in his subconscious, which poisons his life.

— That is, to praise him for fourth place? — Dad clearly does not understand how this is possible.

— Listen, sometimes even the participants of the Olympic Games are praised for places that are far from the prize money. What to say about simple regional competitions? And then, I think that the fourth place is not the last.

— No, but you have to try, — dad is still resisting, not too actively.

— And Igor is trying. Or did he place fourth in his very first competition?

— No, he walked to him for a long time … — dad paused, — he climbed for several years. The fourth one is also … not the fifteenth for you.

“See, he tried. Understand that a child (and even an adult) should not be compared with other people and not with some abstract result. And with him the past. Today I did 10 push-ups from the floor — well done. Tomorrow I did fifteen push-ups — yes you are smart! Your Igor really needs your praise and approval. And since you criticize him all the time, he began to look for this approval elsewhere. And, as you can see, I found it very quickly. Naturally, he does not want to lose the trust of the guys, so he listens to their advice. And since the company … to put it mildly, are not Oxford students, then their advice is appropriate.

Thank God, Igor’s dad drew the right conclusions from our conversation. He talked to his son, said that he still did well with him, that taking fourth place in the competition was not given to everyone. What loves and understands. And if Igor wants to, then he can go swimming not so hard.

Igor, having received praise and recognition from his father for his successes, not only did not leave the sport, but also began to practice with greater pleasure. At our last meeting, he told me that he now communicates with the guys “from that company” much less often, since there is no time. But they sometimes began to go to his competitions and terribly loudly get sick.

Yes, he still does not rise above fourth place, but he is already not so painful about this. However, just like his dad.

And I also noticed that Igor’s look has changed. He became open and confident.

The fact that in adolescence children divide everything into “black” and “white” prevents them from seeing some of the nuances in the behavior and preferences of their friends. By the way, have you noticed that some adults are just as categorical? “Whoever is not with us is against us,” is a slogan that probably every person on the planet knows.

As adults, we also fall under the influence of other people. And happiness if it will be a positive influence. How many adults could not resist sectarians, extremists and God knows who else. What to say about teenagers with their mobile psyche.

Therefore, you, dear parents, must know exactly who surrounds your child, with whom he communicates. It was in the USSR that “bad company” meant, in the worst case, criminals. In our time, everything has become much more terrible — terrorists, extremists and so on.

And so that such a misfortune does not happen to your child, try to follow simple rules.

1. To begin with, it makes sense to make sure that the company really negatively affects your child, that you are not, as the heroine of the film «Pokrovsky Gates» said: «… in the blinkers of your prejudice.» To do this, ask the teenager more often about his pastime: what did you do, what did you talk about, what are your plans for the future. The conversation should not resemble an interrogation in the Gestapo, it should be a dialogue. Often the picture becomes clearer after the very first words — it becomes clear to you whether you were worried in vain or not.

2. If a person trusts you, he listens to your opinion. To inspire the trust of your own child, you must regularly perform at least most of the previous ten points.

3. It should be remembered that direct prohibitions will not achieve anything for you. It is much more effective to show an alternative to bad communication. True, for this you have to invest psychologically. Go more often with your child to different events, hiking, travel together. Sign up together (and visit!) In some «Winter Fishing Club» — provided that your offspring is interested. Introduce him to new, extraordinary people. Communication with more exciting interlocutors will gradually replace people with limited, primitive interests.

4. Your child should not have too much free time. Sports, music, daily chores — download it to the fullest! When choosing extracurricular activities, be sure to take into account his interests, only in this case there will be a return. And often praise him for helping around the house. Say you can’t do it without him. It motivates.

5. Give him more books from the series «Life of Remarkable People.» In adolescence, there is a very great craving for high life accomplishments, for feats. Lay out these books even in the toilet (and what to do? In this case, the end justifies the means). And then, as if by chance, ask: “Do you think Alexander the Great could conquer the world if he was afraid of difficulties”? Or: “Darling, do you imagine a drunken Napoleon”? Such questions, asked after reading an interesting, motivating book, make you think.

6. Sometimes even loving parents do not immediately find out about a child getting into a bad company. Watch for changes in behavior: depression, sudden mood swings, reactions that have not been observed before — a reason to start immediate action. First, just talk kindly — without irritation, reproaches. Tell him that you love him very much, but you are worried. If you listen carefully (!) and hear what your child tells you, you will clarify a lot for yourself. And then make a decision: it’s just your fears or the child needs to be urgently shown to a psychologist for an individual consultation.

7. Train your child to say no. It should be at the level of his reflexes. Often the first step into bad company begins with the inability to rebuff the phrase: “but weakly”? Teach him routine but exhaustive phrases against which there is nothing to object to. For example, to the offer to try vodka, you can answer: “I already tried it, it doesn’t taste good. I did not like». My relative, when asked to pierce her eyebrow, replied: «I will not feel happy with a hole in my eyebrow.» No more requests were made to her. And what do you object? Happiness is a subjective concept.

8. No matter how trite it sounds, but you must be familiar with his friends. Then you will be able to better control the situation and prevent the negative impact in time. Call friends, girlfriends of the offspring to your home, on joint trips. Communicate with them, but without obtrusiveness. Praise, but don’t compare (God forbid you say: “Look, how well Sveta can cook, not like you.” Just say: “Sveta, how great you know how to bake pies”). And when your child’s friends tell him: «You have great parents,» you will receive additional arguments why your opinion should be heeded.

9. A teenager needs recognition of his talents, skills and abilities. If he does not find them in the family, he will find them on the side. And there is a high probability that he will find them in that very “bad company”. From here a very simple conclusion — more often recognize the dignity of your children. Arguments that he «will become arrogant», «grow up an egoist» do not stand up to scrutiny. He is arrogant only if you praise him excessively and for no reason. Or the occasion will be more likely to condemn the act, and not to approve. But if your child finished the semester with a single B, studying hard, why not praise him for it?

10. It happens, unfortunately, that all your efforts to counter bad influence are useless. In this case, it makes sense to change the place of residence — away from the previous one. Often the distance is quite a tangible obstacle to communication, and it gradually fades away. Remember: there can be several apartments, they can change, and you have one child for life.

Key Mistakes

Error # 1

The pressure of stereotypes. Stereotypes play a very important role in our life. It only seems that we are free, creative. And if you have an operation, which doctor will you go to? To a handsome uncle in a starched dressing gown, with a gray beard, or to a young doctor with earrings in his ears and tattoos? Of course, the series «Interns» somewhat changed the idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbmedics, but still — most of us will choose a gray-haired bearded doctor. And why? Because his majesty stereotype is stronger than any series. This, if you like, is a kind of sign: one’s own or someone else’s.

In antiquity, it was precisely such a clear division that helped the ancient man to survive. If you run into someone else, it is not a fact that you will remain alive. As they say, times have changed, but the stereotype remains.

In his work «Public Opinion» (1922), the American scientist W. Lippman argued that these are ordered, schematic «pictures of the world» in a person’s head, which save his efforts when perceiving complex social objects and protect his values, positions and rights. Social psychologist G. Tejfel summarized the main findings of research in the field of social stereotype:

• people readily show a willingness to characterize vast human groups with undifferentiated, gu.e.mi, and biased signs;
• this categorization is highly stable over a very long time;
• social stereotypes can change to some extent depending on social, political or economic changes, but this process is extremely slow;
• social stereotypes become more distinct and hostile when there is social tension between groups;
• they are acquired very early and used by children long before the emergence of clear ideas about the groups to which they belong;
• social stereotypes are not a big problem when there is no obvious hostility in group relations, but it is extremely difficult to modify and manage them in conditions of significant tension and conflict.

And now, if suddenly your child’s environment does not match your idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbwhat «decent young people» should look like, you do a rack. Who are these people, how do they influence your child, why are they dressed like that, why do they listen to such strange music?

Hitler’s colleague A. Speer, in his last speech at the Nuremberg trials, said: «With the help of such technical means as radio and loudspeakers, independent thinking was taken away from eighty million people.» This proves once again that many stereotypes were simply imposed on us.

The best way out of this situation is to get to know the offspring’s friends and the culture they promote. Maybe it’s something harmless. Yes, they are not like that, but do you really think that everyone was delighted with hippies in the 60s?

Error # 2

Aggression towards friends. When you are attacked, you defend yourself. Moreover, you automatically defend yourself, even if you feel that you are wrong. The same thing happens here. If you attack friends aggressively, your child will automatically defend them. And even if he feels you are right, the principle will not allow him to recognize his friend as “bad”.

Therefore, when you find your own child in a suspicious company, calmly ask about new friends. Above, I wrote that the need for communication in adolescence is leading, which means that something attracted your child to new friends. It is possible that communication with them is his form of protest. And in fact, he wants to say something to YOU ​​with his strange communication. As the saying goes: «I’m not crying for you, but for Aunt Sima!»

So the first step is to talk. If you remember that there is a huge difference between a conversation and an interrogation in the Gestapo, then it is quite possible that your doubts will be dispelled.

Error # 3

By rejecting his «bad» friends, you are not helping him find «good» ones. A teenager’s sense of self is significantly influenced by his status among his peers. And, sadly, in our time, even such a question, with whom to be friends with a child, is not complete without parental participation.

Everything was simple before. Children and teenagers spent most of their free time outside of school. Here they were socialized, here they learned the first rules of communication. In their mass, everyone was equal, and if there were frank outcasts in terms of behavior, then the guys “from good families” practically did not communicate with them. And why, when there is a full yard of friends and there will always be someone who shares your interests.

Are there many children now playing in the yards on their own? If only in cottage villages in a protected area. And the simple courtyards of high-rise buildings were empty. Children play under adult supervision. Teenagers go to cafes or shopping centers. Or communicate in social networks.

It turns out that communication with peers is possible either at school or in courses. And where else to get acquainted, in the yard there are only mothers with strollers and pensioners. And who lives next door — we do not know at all.

Dear parents, you will again have to take everything into your own hands and organize a worthy social circle for your own offspring. First, these are summer camps. How long can you travel with you to the country? Let him go to the camp — talk to his peers. There are a lot of horror stories about the camps about the presence of drugs, alcohol, marginalized individuals and ugly guards there. This is somewhat exaggerated. Google it, chat on forums, read reviews. There are, on the contrary, summer camps with very strict discipline.

Secondly, despite the fact that the Komsomol has already sunk into oblivion, there are a huge number of youth public organizations in our country. Both local and federal. They hold various seminars, rallies, flash mobs and much more that is interesting to a modern teenager. Look at the directions of their activities and invite your child to go to a page on the Internet. He’s still on social media anyway.

Maybe the first time he will reject your offer, but if you are more cunning and persistent, you will achieve the result. Only when offering, consider his interests. It is unlikely that your modest daughter, who loves dogs and cats, will want to attend seminars of young active political scientists.

And how many youth volunteer organizations we have! The Internet will help you, you will be terribly surprised! Again, find something useful for your own child and try to interest. What to do, the time is such that you even have to take such a thing as friendship under your unobtrusive (this is the key word) control.

Error # 4

Without educating the child’s willpower, you do not teach him to rebuff provocations. Will is the highest level of regulation of human behavior. And this is the main difference between man and other living beings — the presence of will. It is thanks to the presence of will that a person is able to set goals and achieve them, overcoming internal and external obstacles. It is thanks to the will that a person’s choice is conscious when he has to choose from several models of behavior.

Interestingly, volitional behavior can be simple or complex. If volitional behavior is simple, then the goal does not go beyond the immediate situation. And such behavior is carried out with the help of simple, habitual actions that are performed almost “automatically”.

But a complex volitional process … It includes both taking into account the consequences and realizing the true motives for making a decision.

A complex volitional act includes 4 stages:

1. goal setting;

2. struggle of motives;

3. decision;

4. execution.

Volitional action is a conscious, purposeful action that subordinates all impulses to strict subconscious control, changing the surrounding space in accordance with a given goal. The presence of willpower and volitional behavior is always associated with the application of efforts, decision-making, and the implementation of plans.

By the way, one of the signs of volitional behavior is the lack of direct pleasure received in the process of achieving a result.

Psychologist S.L. u.e.shtein, considering issues of the psychology of will in his writings, identified several mechanisms for training willpower:

— anticipation of the results of their activities;

— setting independent tasks;

— creating artificial connections (for example, I will wash the floor and immediately go for a walk);

— subordination of the result to a wider goal;

— fantasy.

All these mechanisms must be trained from childhood, and it is necessary to train. If a teenager has a big goal, adequate self-esteem, he is unlikely to succumb to provocations.

Imagine purely hypothetically that at the Olympics in Sochi, on the eve of the performance of a free program, a girlfriend will come to figure skater Tatyana Volosozhar and say: “Tan, let’s go for a walk. Let’s go to the club, drink champagne.» I think that the answer is obvious — the girlfriend will fly out of the room like a butterfly. Because when you have a big, meaningful goal — to become an Olympic champion — various provocations are perceived as stupidity in the highest degree.

And if the mythical girlfriend starts to take “weakly”, call her “henpecked”, then guess three times, will the skater feel guilty about sending her away? Not at all, I think.

Your children should be able to refuse, be able to respond to provocations. And without willpower training, it will be extremely difficult for them to do this. Help them set a goal, teach them to refuse. Then your child will be safer than his peers, who, for the praise of outsiders: “Well done, not afraid, drank!” – will be ready to give up their own principles.

A case from psychological practice:

In training for teenagers, I often use one exercise that trains the ability to refuse.

It’s called «My Territory». To perform this exercise, you will need a regular rope. Or a gymnastic hoop. Each person from the group takes turns going to the center of the hall and using a rope or a hoop on the floor makes a circle. Then it becomes the center of this circle. This is his private territory. You cannot enter it without permission. You can only persuade him to let him into his circle.

The task of a teenager standing in a circle is not to let anyone in for as long as possible, the task of the group is to get into the circle. To get inside the circle, members of the group can use any tricks: psychological manipulation, flattery, persuasion. The main thing is to find a weak spot, to pick up the key to the person standing inside the circle.

The task of the facilitator is to draw the attention of a teenager who is inside the circle, to which manipulations he reacts most painfully. Which made him especially uncomfortable to hear. And discuss with the group what words they used to hide what manipulations, on what strings of the soul they tried to play. It can be fear, desire for pleasure, pity, shame, etc.

For example, manipulations based on guilt may well be covered with harmless ones: “Yeah, I gave you my gadget, and you’re like this with me …” And outright flattery can also be quite decently packaged: “How is such a good, smart person like you, can you keep me out of the circle?”

When completing the exercise, be sure to tell the teenager: “You give me the hoop (or rope), but your territory, your private space, will remain with you. Repeat». The teenager repeats so that his subconscious mind remembers that private territory is a holy place, and a person has the right to refuse anyone to enter it.