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It is hard to watch how our child, whom we consider the best in the world, suddenly starts talking about his body with hatred. How can you help your teenager become more confident?
We live in a world where appearance is never attractive enough – there is always “something to fix” to get closer to the advertising ideal. Cosmetic companies and plastic surgeons profit from complexes and fears – failure, loneliness, old age, poverty. Accepting your appearance and living in peace with it is not easy even for adults, and teenagers are especially vulnerable.
There is no need to convince the child that he is going through nothing. Our job as parents is to acknowledge a child’s feelings—hate, rage, resentment, fear—and help create a safe haven in which they can work on those feelings. Here are a few phrases to help start the conversation.
1. “Why do you feel this way?”
At the beginning of the conversation, it is very important not to devalue the child’s feelings (“Nonsense, what are you talking about,” “That’s nonsense, what are you inventing?”) And show him that discussing the feelings that we experience is absolutely natural.
An open question will allow the child to freely express their emotions and tell why they arose.
This will show your teenager that he is not wrong, and erase the shame that was imposed from the outside thanks to magazines, advertising, words of peers … In addition, you will strengthen the trusting relationship with the child and receive information that will help decide what to say next.
2. “What do you think would change if you looked different?”
Depending on the age of the child, this question can set the conversation in a different direction. But the goal is the same: to clarify why a teenager wants to look different, why he hates his body and considers it not good enough. This question leads to the very core of the child’s ideal self.
From there, you will be able to bridge the void that has formed between this ideal self and the real self. Maybe your child thinks that losing five kilograms will feel happier? This information will help challenge the adolescent’s assumptions about appearance that are not true.
3. “What do you really like about your appearance?”
After acknowledging the teenager’s negative feelings, try this question to switch his attention to the merits – those parts of the appearance that he himself finds attractive. Even if the child loves only eyelashes in himself, this small part will create a counterbalance to negative thoughts about the body.
Both ideas – “what I love about my appearance” and “what I hate about my appearance” – can coexist and gradually approach the golden mean, that is, the real image of the body.
4. “What is your body capable of?”
Regardless of size, color, and ability, our bodies are equally valuable. We are so preoccupied with appearance that we forget about the amazing possibilities of our body – and that it is unique.
It is important for a child to realize: everyone has something that he does best
Ask your child to think about what he can do with his body – maybe he easily makes a bridge from a standing position, jumps high, plays football well, runs fast, or bends his fingers into bizarre shapes?
5. “Your value is not determined by the size of your clothes or the number on the scale.”
Remind your teen over and over again that their value cannot be measured by clothing sizes or scales. Avoid the word “beautiful” in relation to appearance, it is too evaluative. Better say: “Your appearance is wonderful.”
This message will build self-confidence day by day and help a teenager love himself, even if it is still difficult for him to cope with complexes. Tell us how you yourself deal with feelings about appearance – so the teenager will understand that he is not alone in his feelings.