How to help a child look at himself and his peer from the side?
To do this, we have organized such a situation. Two children were invited to play together for 20-30 minutes. There were pencils, cubes, typewriters in the room — in general, everything you need for the game. The little ones began to play, and everything was as it always happens when children play. And we recorded their disputes, explanations and accusations on a tape recorder. (The children, of course, did not suspect this.) After the game, the children returned to their friends on the street, and we called one of them over to us and let them listen to the tape recording. Needless to say, how amazing and interesting it was for the child to listen to his own voice. He tended to recognize himself and his partner. He even recognized not by the timbre of his voice, but by the content of the statements, which he, of course, recalled when listening. If such recognition did not occur, we helped him: “Who is speaking? Do you recognize? This is you, and this is Sasha … ”And so on until the child unmistakably recognized himself and his partner.
And now, when the picture of peer communication is reproduced and the child sees himself as if from the outside, you can talk with him about the behavior of friends. To do this, we chose some characteristic fragments of their interaction (quarrels, proposals, objections, division of toys, etc.) and asked the child the same questions: “What did you do? How did you do it? Why did you do it? Why did you do that?» Exactly the same questions were asked in relation to the partner of the child: “Why do you think he did this?” And so on. How did preschoolers behave in such an unusual situation for them? Let’s start with an example.
During the game, Sasha and Serezha could not share a truck with a lifting body in any way: both wanted to take it for themselves. They argued for a long time who would carry this truck, not wanting to give it to each other. In the end, Serezha nevertheless gave the car to Sasha, and he himself took up the cubes.
The adult let Sasha listen to a fragment of their dialogue and began to ask him questions:
— What did you do with Serezha?
— Played.
— How did you play?
— Just in cars, I needed a truck, but he did not give.
Why did you need a truck?
I wanted him, but he didn’t give me.
But why do you need a truck?
— I wanted to play with him (after a long silence).
— And why do you think Seryozha did not give?
— I didn’t want to and didn’t give … (again a long tense silence).
That’s the whole explanation: «I wanted to, but he didn’t want to.» And the fact that this truck is new, that it is more attractive than all other cars, that Seryozha, just like him, Sasha, wants to play with this toy, because it is interesting with it (its body rises), it seems to pass by Sasha’s consciousness. The only important thing for him is that Seryozha does not want to give him a car. The desires and interests of Serezha himself do not seem to exist for Sasha. But can he, Sasha, somehow explain the actions of his partner? To find out, the adult asks Sasha the following question: “Why do you think Serezha gave you this truck after all?” Oddly enough, but this question encourages the boy not to think, but to take action. He runs to the window, leans out into the street, where children (including Seryozha) are walking, and shouts: “Seryozha, why did you give me a truck?” Serezha shrugs her shoulders in bewilderment. «He doesn’t know,» Sasha says confidently.
«But I’m asking you, why do you think he did that?»
“He doesn’t know,” Sasha repeats, “how can I say if he doesn’t know …
It turns out that Sasha does not even allow the thought that he himself can guess what drives the actions of his peer, why he does certain things. He can’t say anything definite about his own motives, except for “wanted” or “didn’t want.”
Sasha and Seryozha are still very young. They are both about 4 years old. Of course, adult questions about the motives of behavior are too difficult for them. But still, even such kids are not left indifferent to such questions. Some children, without answering them right away, continue to think about them and then, after some time, report: “I got angry because he broke my house” or: “I stopped drawing because Lena was pushing.”
These thoughtful messages are the first step towards self-awareness. Children begin to understand that people’s actions are not random actions, that there is a cause and effect connected in a single chain. “He broke the house, so I got angry,” “She pushed, so I couldn’t draw.” Of course, the links in this chain are still very short. But what is characteristic: the child sees the reason, the motive of his action, first of all, in the actions of his peer. Not in oneself and not in surrounding objects (this happens very rarely), but in another person. The behavior of another person acts as the cause of his actions, state, mood. Even small children (at 4 years old) can trace the objective, non-judgmental dependence of their own actions on the actions of a partner: “I saw Lesha draw, and I began to draw myself.” And when a child sees the reason for his own actions in the behavior of a peer, he is already able to consider his own actions (and, therefore, himself) as the reason for the actions of another: “I told her how to play with blocks, so she began to play” or: “I showed her how to comb the doll, so she began to comb it.”
The main thing is to play together
Around the age of 5, children begin to clearly understand that they need each other. Of course, the need to communicate with a peer appears earlier (about 4 years old), but younger preschoolers are still unconsciously drawn to other children. But at the age of 5, children already confidently say that it is better to play together. The desire to be together becomes a typical explanation for their behavior. For example, to the question “Why did you start to carry cubes?” Vova confidently answered: “Because Kolya and I built a house together and we needed cubes.” And Lena justified her actions as follows: “I am friends with Olya, so we do everything together, that I, then she. I began to play with dolls, and she began with me.
I must say that by 5-6 years of conflicts and quarrels becomes less. It is no longer so important for a child to establish himself in the eyes of his peers. It is much more important to play together to make it interesting, to build a big house out of blocks or arrange a beautiful room for dolls. And it is not so important who makes the house or the room. The main thing is to do it together. Increasingly, children talk about themselves in terms of “we”: we play, we didn’t succeed, we will go, etc. Even when the child was asked about his own, individual actions, for example: “Why did you suddenly start jumping?” — he answered immediately for two: «Ilyusha and I decided to dance.» In this “we”, “I” and “you” are inseparably represented. And they are always united by some common occupation, deed, decision. Another child (peer) here is a necessary condition for this common cause: together it is more fun, more interesting, it works better. See →