How to help your child deal with grief

The first thing that every adult wants to do at the sight of a sobbing child is to quickly calm him down, distract him. Children’s tears and sadness do nothing to meet our need to see our children contented and happy.

“For the same reason, it can be difficult for parents to talk to their children about the fact that someone in their family is seriously ill or dying,” says Alena Kizino, a psychologist at the House with a Lighthouse Children’s Hospice. – It seems that everyone knows everything and is silent. Adults do not want to hurt the child. They are afraid that the child will not cope with severe anxiety and this will be a trauma for life. And they are also afraid that they themselves will not cope with his strong feelings.

But life is full of sad moments. Teaching children to cope with difficult trials is a very important task. How to teach them to ask for help and seek support.”

Therefore, the best thing that parents can do now is to gather strength and allow the child to worry. To recognize that the loss of someone (something) deeply loved is a great grief. And, of course, it is necessary to be at this moment next to the child, kiss, hug him and even cry with him. The child must see that his parents sympathize with him and support him.

Speak

“There are no special, correct phrases that will not hurt the child so much,” explains Alena Kizino. And there are no universal formulas either. Every parent knows their child better than anyone else. When speaking, one must be sincere, alive in one’s manifestations. You can ask, “I can see that you are upset about what happened. It seems to me that you are now sad / hurt / hard, you miss. Do you want to talk about what’s happening to you?”

By naming these feelings, we help the child recognize and deal with them. Talk about how good and joyful this time was next to a departed person or pet, take pity on yourself, get bored. This skill of self-compassion, the ability to face your feelings, will be very useful for a child in life. Do not rush him: the children’s grief will not last long.

If the child is very small, offer to draw together, watch a cartoon where the hero is experiencing something similar. You can read a book together. Or draw in a workbook that was published specifically for such situations.¹.

Doing something together, talking about the innermost, you can get to know your child better, and he you. And then grief will not separate you, but, on the contrary, will unite you. It will help build strong, trusting relationships.

Here are four activities you can offer your child to help them cope.

Four activities for children

1. Make and decorate a candlestick

Together with a close adult, you can come up with your own ritual in order to remember the one who is no more. For example, make a beautiful candlestick. In a moment when you are sad, light a candle in this candlestick in memory of a loved one who has died.

Remember that you can light a fire only with an adult – and you yourself can turn on a battery-powered electric candle. A candle gives us warmth and light – just as warm memories of loved ones warm us and make sadness bright.

You will need: a thick glass jar or glass, hot melt glue or PVA glue, acrylic paints, brushes. Lots of bright little things for decoration: colorful satin ribbons, lace, sequins, beads, bright nail polish. Various cereals and even salt crystals can become decorations.

• Stick thin strips of masking tape on the jar, paint the candlestick with acrylic paints, let it dry and remove the tape – these areas will remain transparent.
• Lubricate the surface of the jar with glue on the outside and roll the jar in coarse salt – the candlestick will be as if covered with crystals.
• When the glue dries, the salt can be painted with a soft paint sponge.
• Coat the inside of the jar with glue, pour in glitter and spin the jar – your candlestick will sparkle!
• Glue all the “treasures” that you have found on the jar, tie a satin or lace ribbon around the neck.

2. Express your feelings

When you are experiencing strong feelings, you do not need to fight them. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, cry, or lie silently curled up if you don’t have the strength to do something. All this is normal, grief speaks in you, and this will surely pass.

There are many ways to express strong feelings in a way that does not destroy anything around or offend anyone. Here are some of them.

• Write about your feelings
• remember something good
• tear paper to calm down
• draw
• Hug a loved one
• Run, jump or play ball
• Take a walk on the street
• pet your pet
• Do a good deed
• Drink a glass of water
• Grieve and cry
• Listen to music
• call a friend
• Blow bubbles
• Listen to your breath

3. Create your rituals for memories

People say that the one who died continues to live in our memory. This means that even if your loved one is no longer around, he remains an important person for you – and you can remember and love him all your life.

Together with relatives and friends, you can come up with your own rituals – ways to remember your loved one who has died, and feel in your heart not only sadness, but also love. This can be done on New Year’s Eve or another holiday, on his birthday or death – or just when it becomes very sad.

You can:

• buy his or her favorite flowers;
• light a candle and look at it;
• cook his or her favorite dish;
• see photos; read his or her books;
• get his or her favorite things and treasures;
• go to his or her favorite place; play his or her favorite game;
• write down in a letter everything that you would like to say to him or her;
• remind yourself that the deceased person loved you;
• plant a flower in a pot or a tree in the garden.

Write here the rituals that you came up with.

4. Collect a box of memories

In order to remember your loved one, you can make a memory box – put things in it that remind you of him or her. Look at things out of the box alone or with someone you especially trust.

Books for preschoolers and younger students on the topic of living loss

1. Brian Melloni Lifetime. How to explain death to children
2. Pernilla Stalfelt “The Book of Death”
3. Cornelia Spielman “When I’m Sad”
4. Ulf Nilsson “Goodbye Mr. Muffin”

¹ “When a loved one dies. How to survive grief and keep love and memories “Olymp-Business, 2020