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How to help your child cope with parental divorce
The dire consequences of divorce are not easy to deal with, even for adults. It is very difficult to cope with this even for a small child. Only the parents themselves can help him. How to explain to a child that now his life will be different? These 7 rules will help you find a common language with your baby and maintain balance.
The child is not blind, and he perfectly sees that something is wrong in the family. Parents are annoyed, in the house there is now a cry, now an oppressive silence and mother’s tears. Nothing is clear, but something terrifying is clearly going on. It is better for you not to know what frightening conclusions the child can draw from this.
Put yourself in his place. In general, do this more often, at any opportunity, ask yourself the question “How does he see this?” – and you will never lose contact with your child.
The child needs to be told the truth. No matter how hard and scary it is. No matter how old he is, he is also a member of the family and has a right to knowledge. He is much more scared than you: he does not understand what is happening at all, and he is very worried. Without going into the reasons, just say that you are getting a divorce, it’s not scary, it’s just that now everything will be a little different.
Explain to the baby that mom and dad are not going anywhere, that they will always be present in his life. Mom will no longer have a dad, and dad will no longer have a mom, because they themselves decided so. And the child will have both mom and dad. It’s just that now one of the parents will live in a different place. And if before you went for a walk together – three of us, now you will walk separately, and there will be no special differences.
Always try to keep a confident tone in your conversation. The child needs to understand that the parents are in control of the situation, that what is happening, although unpleasant, is manageable, and everything will be fine.
Tell your child about love
Most of all, the child begins to fear that now for something they may stop loving him too. You need to convey to him the difference between love for children and love between a man and a woman.
Mom and Dad grew up on their own, met and fell in love. And now they decided to leave, because they were not interested in each other. Then time will pass, and they may love someone else – this is normal and will not affect their love for the child.
And the child is a part of mom and dad. Parents love their child just like that, not because he is so good, but because he is their child. It is impossible to take and stop loving a child for something, it does not happen, such love is forever. Love for children is not at all like the love of a man and a woman, it is different, it is stronger, and there is no need to compare them.
And hug your child more often. He really needs to feel protected now.
Remove the guilt from the child
The child almost always takes the blame for the parents’ divorce on himself. Didn’t you know about this? Yes, he can be sure that the parents are getting divorced because of him. Because he … Then there could be a long list of childhood sins.
Your task is to explain to the child that he was not involved in the divorce. Say that your love with dad (or mom) is your business with him, and no one, except yourself, can decide for you what to do. That when a child grows up, he will also have a personal life, and he, too, will decide how to build it, because he will become an adult. Apologize to your child for this.
A child is not a bargaining chip
You cannot use a child as a tool to achieve your goals, period. Look for other ways of influencing each other with your ex-spouse, there are many of them. You can not manipulate the ability to communicate with the child. You cannot divide the child as movable and immovable property. If one of the parents takes this slippery path, he must be aware that any child will sooner or later grow up and understand that he was used as a commodity. And then you can hardly count on his love and respect.
Do not scold your ex in front of a child
For you, your ex can be as bad as you want, and you have the right to do so. But the child does not need to know about this. For a baby, parents are one, regardless of whether they live together or apart. The authority of the parents for the child is so high that it is comparable to the attitude towards God. Parents are people who know exactly what is allowed and what is not, how is it right and how wrong. For him, they are the bearers of the ultimate truth.
When the parts of this whole in front of the child’s eyes begin to reassess themselves, the baby’s world begins to stagger very much. Not only relationships with mom and dad will start to crumble, but also the basic attitudes “good” and “bad”, “you can” and “you can’t” and so on. This is dangerous for his own self-esteem, which in childhood is directly related to his assessment of his parents. The better a child’s mom and dad are, the better and more valuable they are. If one of the parents suddenly becomes bad, the child begins to consider himself worse. If you want your child to be smart, tell him that he has wonderful parents.
Try to refrain from discussing the reasons for the divorce in front of the child. He will grow up and understand everything himself when he is ready for it. And he will thank you.
No matter how your relationship with each other develops, each of you also has your own relationship with the child. These relationships need to be protected, they are very valuable for the child and are needed for his development. If you love your baby, never prevent him from communicating with the other parent. Unimpeded communication with parents allows the child to maintain his integrity and openness to the world. The more harmoniously the baby develops, the easier it will be with him when he grows up. There is no need to count who is entitled to how many hours of communication. If possible, let your child choose when and how much time he spends with each of you. Give him this freedom. He will not go anywhere from you, on the contrary, every year he will be more and more grateful to you for such trust.
Some experts believe that the fairy tale therapy method is the best way to help the child survive the divorce of the parents. This will be especially useful for children aged 2 to 8 years. In mid-June, a story was released on the educational service MySkazka , which is designed for children whose parents are divorced or living separately. It is assumed that the fairy tale will help them get through this difficult period as gently as possible and realize that they are still loved by mom and dad.
Here is what its author thinks on this topic – educational psychologist, playwright Alexandra Ivanchikova:
Educator-psychologist, playwright
Living through a divorce is tantamount to experiencing the loss of a loved one. Alas, these experiences are inevitable. For both the parents and the child. But you can make them easier and help the little person adapt to a new frightening format of life – life after the divorce of his parents. For this, it is important not to pass on your disappointment to the child, not to lay the thought that a catastrophe has happened, not to shift the blame onto the other parent. It is important to talk more about love! That is why the fairy tale “Raccoon from Two Kingdoms” is, first of all, a conversation about love! About the love of parents for their children and that this love is eternal, no matter what. And even if mom and dad no longer live in the same apartment, they are and will always be in the child’s world.
Olga Zhinzhikova, Yulia Ionina