Some of us are brought up in such a way that if someone we know has a little difficulty or serious grief, we definitely need to help. On the one hand, this is correct, we are taught from childhood that «a friend will not leave in trouble, he will not ask too much.» But on the other hand, in such situations, one must be careful, and I will give a specific example.
As small children, my friends and I went swimming in the pond. The pond was small and very shallow along almost the entire perimeter. All the children learned to swim there. We already swam quite well for our age, and one girl, who did not want to seem inept, got up on the bottom with her feet, and with her hands pretended to be swimming. Once she went a little further than usual, and in this place there was just a hole and she stopped reaching the bottom with her feet. This caused her to start sinking. Naturally, my first thought was to urgently help her out. As soon as she was able to reach my hand, she immediately squeezed it tightly, pulled it behind her and it turned out that now we are both drowning. Then everything ended well, but in adulthood, everything may not be so rosy.
And the problem is not only that we may not help a person in any way. The problem is that as soon as he feels a hand nearby, he immediately grabs it with a death grip and drags you to the bottom with him in the hope of taking a breath of air, getting out at least a centimeter from his grief. This doesn’t happen to everyone, but very often.
How to help correctly?
Be that as it may, the only people who will not use your kindness for selfish purposes are the family. Only in the family you are always protected and can feel calm. Otherwise, the world is a dangerous place where everyone is primarily concerned with their own interests, for the sake of satisfying which others can step on the throat. That is why you need to have willpower to isolate a person from yourself if he began to occupy too much of your personal space with his problems.
State your position immediately and in a firm manner so that the person does not sit on your neck. Again, you can help, but dosed. Don’t let other people’s problems affect your life. As soon as you feel that an irreversible process has begun, limit contact. Speak directly — we are adults and must solve our problems on our own, and not at the expense of someone else. Yes, this will not please a person who is also upset by his problems in any way, but at least he will not ruin your life.
To summarize — if you are not a psychotherapist, and the victim is not your close relative, then take care of your own safety first of all and learn how to save so that you yourself do not end up under water. As soon as you feel that the person is in a death grip, distance yourself. Politely or not very much — the main thing is to abstract emotionally, otherwise it will not be easier for anyone, and in the future you will not be able to help anyone at all due to burnout.
To help professionally, you need the appropriate education. Of course, you can help in a human way — with words, with money. But not emotionally. We do not have infinite physical and mental health to distribute to others. Take care of yourself and be healthy.