Readiness to help is one of the noblest aspirations. And one of the biggest traps. After all, it happens that people who are quite viable ask for help especially convincingly.
Well, if, as in the well-known fairy tale about the cunning Fox and the simple-hearted Wolf, “the beaten unbeaten is lucky” and does not even suspect that he was used. It is worse when you suddenly discover this fact and, on a wave of resentment, you refuse to help anyone at all.
Or here is such a common experience: a person sincerely offered help and … feels guilty. This paradox in the form of a «bad game» called «Yes, but …» was described by Eric Berne in the book «Games People Play» (Eksmo, 2008). Here it is: someone complains to you about a problem. You sympathize and offer solutions, but again and again you hear a disappointed answer: “Yes, but …” By the nth attempt, you finally understand: something is wrong.
You feel guilty and stupid, and your interlocutor looks suspiciously pleased. Does he want to solve this problem, thanks to which everyone around him pays attention and allows him to experience a sense of superiority?
— I can’t find a job!
Here is the website, send your resume.
— Yes, but there is no chance, I’m … (any reason is good here: young, old, experienced, inexperienced, etc.)
Have you tried asking friends?
— Yes, but to work under the supervision of a friend …
And so on…
«No one cares about anyone!» — behind this philosophy there is only an ordinary inability to help others correctly
As a result, many people have a question: “Is it necessary to help each other? Better to leave me alone! Does anyone need help? Let him ask properly.»
Sometimes a whole philosophy arises: no one cares about anyone! But behind all this lies an ordinary inability to help correctly.
Existential psychotherapists have defined the formula for good help. It consists of four rules.
1. Stay realistic. Do what is really necessary in this situation.
2. Help should be perceived by both you and the other person as something good (to quarrel a son with a girlfriend for his own good is bad help).
3. Do not do what a person can do himself. Remember that the other has the right to refuse — precisely for this reason.
4. Don’t expect gratitude. If she follows, accept her as a gift.
The same rules apply to good psychological help. Personally, I like to help, consider it my hobby and invest my time and energy in this business. Sometimes I get angry at someone, sometimes I refuse to do what is expected of me, but I offer some of my own options. I agree and explain my position, but still I go forward, as far as circumstances and abilities allow. After all, hobbies make life better.