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Parents often have no idea how their children’s lives are going. Once again convinced of this, they ask themselves: “Is my child happy?”, “What does he want, what does he dream about”, “Who are these strange friends who accompanied her home yesterday?”. And most importantly – how can we talk heart to heart?
Lawrence Cohen is a Brooklyn-based psychologist and counselor, author of Playful Parenting (Ballantine Books; 2002) and Anti-Anxiety (The Opposite of Worry, Ballantine Books, 2013) .
This is generally one of the main mysteries of parenthood: with whom is the child and what is the child doing when he is not with us? Sometimes we are very curious. Sometimes we’d rather not know about it. “In any case, it is important to understand,” insists child and adolescent psychologist Lawrence Cohen, “that in a child’s life, like in any other, everything happens – both good and bad.”
Parents who are eager to play a big role in their children’s lives should pay attention to the results of a recent study of children’s behavior. The psychologists asked the children, “How can adults help you with your relationships with your friends?” The answer was invariable and discouraging. “No way,” the children said. But when the question was asked in a different way: “How have adults ever helped you?” – the answer was completely different. “I was listened to,” said the majority of the respondents.
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- Lessons in motherly love
Since scientists recommend listening, let’s listen. But how do you encourage kids to have frank conversations about their lives and their friends?
In the case of elementary students, Lawrence Cohen suggests that parents start with the most general questions: “What are your friends interested in? How much do you fool around and play together? Is there anyone you don’t want to play with?” By asking your child about his friends and not about himself, you allow him to talk about his situation and his school life without turning the conversation into an interrogation.
Children who study in secondary school experience, according to Lawrence Cohen, a strong need for a “sense of elbow” (belonging to a group), on the one hand, but also very often experience a feeling of rejection and loneliness: “No one wants to I don’t need to be friends, it’s not bad for me alone. ” Telling a funny and embarrassingly ridiculous story from your adolescence can be a good way here – it will make the child laugh and make him feel that he is not the only one with whom embarrassing and unpleasant things happened.
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- Time with children: less but better?
It will be much easier for high school students if they have several social circles – then, if in one of them the child quarrels with friends, he will not be left completely alone. Therefore, it is worth encouraging children to join sports sections, hobby groups or volunteer organizations – let your child have more than one place where he regularly visits and communicates with peers. In addition, while the center of attraction in the life of high school students is shifting towards friends, parents should support and protect “family time” – the time that the whole family spends in communication. According to Lawrence Cohen, as with elementary school students, general questions are good for family conversations: “How are you at school? What do you think about…? What did you do today?” After all, seventeen-year-olds, no less than seven-year-olds, need to know that they have a reliable, sensitive and understanding family behind them.
See more at editions of The Time.