How to help a child who is maturing and safely guide them through rebellion?

Contents

How not to step on a mine
Useful excuses for conversation
A new body
I understand how you are feeling
Constructing Identity

During adolescence, sexual and gender identity is built up. It is time for the first falls in love, infatuation and fascinations. A teenager discovers not only his body, but also the need for closeness and intimacy. Moving a child through puberty is a great test for parents.

How to talk to a teenager so as not to scare him or discourage him? An important rule is to conduct a conversation on generalities, biological and psychological truths, and not on the example of yourself and your child. Children don’t even like to think of their parents as sexual persons
The conversation should take place much earlier than rapid maturation occurs. This means that virtually all of these topics should be covered by the age of 10 at the latest
It is good if tampons and sanitary pads intended for a mother or other adult woman should be placed in the bathroom in a generally visible place. This also provokes questions and shows that it is not a taboo in the family
A teenager, hearing her mother say that she is too fat, ugly and stupid, begins to think about herself in a similar way. During adolescence, children should not hear from adults that they dress “wrong”, that they are too fat or thin, and that they have the wrong hairstyle. Now they need complete approval from their loved ones
ARTICLE FROM MAGAZINE: NEWSWEEK TEENAGE PSYCHOLOGY 1/2021
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The period of adolescence is a constant crisis in the life of a young person. The omnipresent changes are surprising for parents and the whole environment, but above all for the teenager himself. A time of rapid growth and revolution begins at the level of mind, emotions and body. And here sexuality begins to develop. It is difficult to control it, it is difficult to discern it.

Many doubts and questions arise. Can i please? Who likes me? What is my sexual orientation? When is the Time to Start Sex? Is what I feel is love? Is jealousy a good feeling? Where are my limits? How to deal with menstruation? How do I hide an erection that gets me at school? A million questions and a constant search for answers. If we as parents want to have an impact on how our child perceives himself, his sexuality, relationships and relationships, we need to talk. And more than one.

How not to step on a mine

It is not easy, because the subject is delicate and the teenager is oversensitive. An important rule is to conduct a conversation on generalities, biological and psychological truths, and not on the example of yourself and your child. The teenager is not interested in when his parents started intercourse or what contraception they use. It is worth remembering that the relationship between a parent and a child is special – it has the characteristics of asexuality. We don’t even like to think of our parents and children as sexual persons.

So let’s not ask our offspring about their intimate relationships. Certainly, however, we should take up topics related to the maturation of the body. A child needs to know what is menstruation, what are liquids, how to take care of hygiene, choose a bra, whether shaving intimate parts is necessary, etc. And this conversation should take place much earlier than rapid puberty. This means that virtually all of these topics should be covered by the age of 10 at the latest. This is the time when our daughter can start to menstruate.

Boys mature a little later, but their curiosity about the body also comes around 10-11. age. Therefore, if we have not taken up the topic by then, if our child still does not know exactly where children come from, what menstruation and ejaculation are, then he will probably find out, but not from us. Because the 11-year-old, with whom it has not been discussed before, has a code that he does not talk to his parents about it and will not want to come to them for this knowledge. We build trust and openness to conversation in this area from birth. From the first questions about large pregnant bellies, from interest in sanitary napkins, from research related to breastfeeding and differences between the sexes. If we then answer truthfully and without embarrassment, there is a chance that in adolescence the child will also contact us for advice or information.

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The most important advice – we talk casually. We don’t seat the baby and say, “Come on, son, I’ll teach you about sex.” This approach will make you laugh, run away, or ask, “What do you want, Dad, to know?” But while watching a movie, talking about an event in the life of someone we know, we can freely take up this topic. Look at the situation and ask: “What do you think?”, “What would you advise such people?” You can also ask for knowledge, possibly verify and supplement it. We do not have to look for an excuse for such a conversation only when the young person comes and asks himself.

Useful excuses for conversation

Going out to get a bra together is a great idea and provokes a conversation, for example about how to care for the breasts and about preventive examinations. A similar adventure can be a trip with your son to get a razor.

A mutation in a boy can also be a starting point for a conversation about the body and the subsequent changes that will take place in it. Menstruation is a breakthrough and a great time to talk about femininity – what it is, what joys and risks it brings. It is good if tampons and sanitary pads intended for a mother or other adult woman should be placed in the bathroom in a generally visible place. It also provokes questions and shows that it is not a taboo subject in our family.

The more signals we send that we are willing to talk, the greater the chance that in a crisis related to this sphere our child will come to us for help.

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A new body

Changes in the body surprise the young man. Everyone grows differently. Some people lose weight and become very tall during this time, others gain weight and grow slower, stretch marks may appear on the body, girls’ breasts grow and hips widen, boys have more muscle tissue, acne appears, their hair becomes oily, sweating increases . The body is no longer predictable. Almost every teenager and teenager are dissatisfied with the way they look. The body of the child, to which they were used to, actually disappears and in its place appear slightly too long limbs, hair in places where they were not there, screeching voice, breasts, strange, still slightly shapely facial features. It all arouses curiosity, but also horror. Teenagers don’t like these changes. Especially in the modern world, where the canons of beauty promoted by the media are very exaggerated, and each photo has been altered and tweaked.

A young man may feel very bad looking in the mirror. He is given a body that does not meet his expectations. It is worth adding that Polish teenagers have the worst self-esteem in Europe. According to the HBSC (Health Behavior in School-aged Children) report, they find them fat and unattractive.

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I understand how you are feeling

Where do such complexes and the lack of acceptance for your body come from? One factor is social media creating an unreal picture. But how teenagers perceive their own body is also influenced by their parents or guardians. It is about full acceptance of our child’s appearance. But also how we talk about ourselves and how we treat our own body. A teenager, hearing her mother say that she is too fat, ugly and stupid, begins to think about herself in a similar way. During adolescence, children should not hear from adults that they dress “wrong”, that they are too fat or thin, and that they have the wrong hairstyle. Now they need complete approval from their loved ones.

It is also important to normalize these changes. Reminding everyone that they all experience this period similarly, saying: “I had it too, I understand how you feel.” Our role is to praise young people in this period, cheer them up, delight. They think bad things about themselves anyway. Their self-esteem is very low. Behaviors that we do not accept in our children at this age should be narrowed down to issues that may threaten their health and life or have a significant impact on their future, including education. It is very difficult, but there is no other way to get your child safely through this time.

Constructing Identity

During adolescence, sexual and gender identity is built up. This is when it is time for the first falls in love, infatuation and fascinations. The teenager discovers the need for closeness and intimacy. This is the moment when parents can hear from their children – I am gay, lesbian, transgender (although you can also get this information much earlier). This is a great test for parents. Standing a wall behind a child in such cases is the only right solution. If we cannot cope, we do not understand, we should seek the help of specialists. Everything should be done to rise to the occasion. Wisely and accepting.

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The first confession that our child loves someone is very important. Whether it is a person of the same sex or a different one, it does not matter. The first feelings are always deep, touching, very emotional. They require support and love from adults. A teenager discovers important truths about himself, looks at himself in the context of being in an intimate, romantic relationship.

Now it is important to show acceptance of our child’s love. If we only feel up to it, it is worth discussing the topic of contraception, sexually transmitted diseases, but treating the teenager as a partner and not saying to him, for example: “Just don’t bring me a baby”.

If it is difficult for us to talk because we do not feel comfortable with the topic of sexuality, let us suggest books, films and websites. It is worth taking care of good sexual education in the child’s school. Sometimes it is easier for a young person to talk about adolescence with a stranger than with his mother or father.

Growing up is the best time to learn your limits, respect your values, protect yourself from abuse and abuse. Here again, parental tenderness, acceptance and conversation are needed. Teaching your teen that always in an uncomfortable situation can refuse, that if he or she experiences violence, he can tell us about it. We will not judge, we will only help.