There are difficult moments in everyone’s life. When we were waiting for our car to be fixed on time, but it wasn’t fixed. When we completed a job but didn’t get paid. What to do with broken promises, deceived expectations?
Often we are simply silent: we are afraid to object and seem rude. Roots should be sought in childhood. Remember what your parents said to you when other children took your toys. Chances are that you should share. You can’t take what belongs to you, it’s not accepted. The message was this: our boundaries are not as important as meeting the interests and needs of another. We grew up, but the message remained the same and the same attitude still applies: even if we are oppressed, it is indecent to defend our borders.
Every day we make a choice: to remain silent or defend the borders, calling for responsibility. A simple example: morning, hospital, the doctor goes around the patients. After examining the patient, he must wash his hands. The nurse notices that the doctor hasn’t washed his hands and is taking on the next patient. What should she do? Make a comment? But a wrong word can cost her her job…
Tens of thousands of employees, day in and day out, watch their colleagues ignore health and safety regulations. And they are silent so as not to stand out, not to go into conflict. Persistent signs of attention from management, invitations to dinner, unambiguous hints, how to respond to them? A lot of women are trying to solve this puzzle, each of them has a family, a child, a mortgage.
For many, the only way to get away from an unpleasant conversation is to suppress feelings and emotions.
Sometimes silence is worth not only a career, but also a life. In 1982, a passenger plane crashed, only five of the 79 on board survived. During the investigation, it turned out that the co-pilot noticed the icing of the wings and informed the captain, but he was ignored and he did not insist. People died.
Every silence has its price. Attack, both physical and verbal (sarcasm, insults), is often preceded by a long period of silence. For many, the only way to get away from an unpleasant conversation with someone who does not want to be responsible, break promises, invade our territory is to suppress feelings and emotions.
How to stop being silent?
Zhenya recently had an operation under general anesthesia and is now recovering. She has just had her stitches removed, she is not feeling well, but she is doing her best: she cooks, collects the children for school. Even such simple things take away a lot of energy from her. The husband asks if she will organize the family reunion as they planned. Zhenya, instead of calmly: “I don’t have the strength, I’m sorry, I can’t this time,” breaks down, starts screaming and crying.
How to learn to tell others about your condition and do it in a socially acceptable way?
The 7 Steps of a Safe Conversation
- State what your problem is. In the case of Zhenya, the husband did not notice that she did not have the strength, that she was gathering her will into a fist, doing household chores, and she was not up to the holiday.
- Determine what you want and don’t want from the conversation. Zhenya did not want to take it out on her husband, but she wanted to explain to him that she was still weak after the operation.
- Show respect for the interlocutor. Zhenya could say to her husband: “It’s so great that you follow the traditions and that this holiday means a lot to you.”
- Set a common goal. For Zhenya, traditions and the atmosphere in the house are just as important as for a partner.
- Describe the consequences. If Zhenya does not comply with bed rest and restore strength, there is a risk of postoperative complications.
- Be understanding. Zhenya can say: “I understand that I probably did not live up to your expectations: you expected that I could prepare everything for the holiday.”
- End with a question to clarify what the interlocutor thinks, what solution seems optimal to him.
Having a meaningful conversation is always difficult, especially the first time. Still, it’s time to finally stop suppressing emotions and being silent when your boundaries are violated. Take the first steps, train a new skill, and one day you will see how much life has changed.