In order for a person to overcome fears, anxieties, insecurities, a tendency to feel sorry for himself, low self-esteem … to reach a different level in a relationship, he needs to break his old thought chain and create a new one.
Create new connections in the brain, make their new order, strengthen them so that the electric impulse in the brain moves exactly along this chain under any annoying circumstances, that is, even in a situation where there is no conscious control — it is possible only in one and only way «without the use of lobotomy» : through the implementation of new actions, unusual for this person.
New actions — a new connection to the brain. New connection — new reactions. Other reactions — a different psyche, a different life, different results.
Yes, a person just needs to start acting differently, breaking his behavioral stereotypes, and his new psyche will be formed.
Let’s go learn this approach!
We start by learning to say to ourselves very specifically in any annoying situation — what we expected from the other here, but have not waited yet … and therefore — we will tell him very politely about this!
Do you understand?
Forces need to be spent not on irritation and not on the subsequent utilization of this irritation in some indignant conversations about the injustice of life, but forces must be directed in order to teach yourself to understand — what exactly do I want from another person, and for some reason he -silence» does not guess. This means that we will say this firmly and calmly, not expecting that he himself will finally see the light, looking at our unfortunate or indignant physiognomy. He can still be offended by our indignant physiognomy … Therefore, there is irritation that an insecure person also hides …
In general, there are so many manipulations and everything is past, but you just need to learn to understand what rights I should be able to voice here!
For example:
— you call and find out about the debt …
— they answer you «no money» …
– there are three common options: silently accept; call a pig or call and tell another friend what “someone” is a pig — when she needed to be rescued, you rescued her, and now she …
And what did you really want in this situation of “not giving”?
Tell someone that someone is a pig?
Most likely no.
I will assume that you wanted the money to be returned to you in the near future. Talk about it, don’t be silent. By the way, to tell someone that he is a pig, you also didn’t want to and don’t want to, because you don’t care if he is a pig or not, it’s important for you that you repay the debt! Understand and remember!
— Tell me, please, when will you be able to give me the money in the near future?
— …Well, I do not know…………………………………
– I understand your difficulties; and my contribution to help you resolve them, I made. Now I am asking you to set an exact date when you will be ready to repay the debt.
Don’t end the conversation until you hear the date.
Or another example.
Late in the evening, a friend calls to chat …
Often there are thoughts: well, why doesn’t she understand herself … that it’s already late … not the time …
An insecure person is silent, because in this situation he needs to be able to clearly formulate, but what does he himself want now? What does he want, but he is not allowed to realize it?
You see, attention is not on your indignation with someone, but on your desire: what do I want now?
Most likely I want my friend to call back at another time.
And she needs to be told about it. Very polite and firm.
Now your task for developing this skill is an exact understanding of what I want from the other — the following: at the first stage, in all situations that caused tension in your relations with other people — that is, you did and said not what you wanted, after all these situations, sit down and think “what did you want in this situation?”, and then state your desire in a polite way.
I draw your attention, your irritation shows: you think that you have the right to receive something — money, or not to be disturbed … — but they do not give it to you, voluntarily. And, if you are silent, then you have not taken responsibility for this right to calmly convey to people. Let them figure it out for themselves! They won’t guess. They have other tasks — to win more rights for themselves.
Start delivering. No offense. And you will become a confident person!
Remember how you start to become a confident person?
Initially, after any situations where you felt annoyed (which means you agreed to do something that you would not like to do), you think over how it would be polite to insist on your rights in that situation.
They came to you with moralizing that you do not want to listen to … but you listen …
How do you politely stop a person, for example, who understands that he forgot?
And how do you stop someone who firmly believes that he has the right to lecture you?
At work, someone did not make their part of the report on time and is delaying you …
What irritates you, what rights is violated by this person? How do you politely voice and defend these rights?
The path to confidence begins with this analysis:
– what exactly my rights have been violated by the person?
Do I really have these rights?
— how to politely demand their implementation?
Establishing your rights accurately is the lion’s share of your confidence. And then a sniper shot is a polite wording of a statement of one’s rights.
Friends, when you do such an analysis in hindsight, then you have the opportunity to consult with people who, for example, better understand where whose rights are and what a polite form of reporting your rights to the violator looks like.
Uncertainty is the inability to understand one’s rights and the inability to politely declare them.
Confidence is the ability to accurately see your rights and the ability to firmly and politely indicate them.
Learn this skill!
After working this way for a month or two, investing in such cognitive rehearsals, you will train your brain to see your rights and formulate them in a polite and firm form for another.
And then the next step.
Having made such observations, you can now quite predict in advance where and when your acquaintances behave, causing you to disagree with something that they want to involve you in against your will.
Consider how you would politely state your rights in these situations. Learn these phrases. And pronounce them at the right time, no longer retroactively, but straight ahead «for dinner.»
With this approach to organizing new actions, the process of restructuring your psyche will begin to take place exponentially.
In a couple of months you will not recognize yourself, and in a year you will be proud of yourself.
Most importantly, practice! Do new things!