Grandmother feeds dinner to 9-year-old grandson, accompanying this with the following comments:
“Come quickly, or we’ll be late.”
The child, trying to please, speeds up the pace and immediately receives a new instruction:
— Don’t rush, don’t swallow it whole, drink it down.
The child’s brain tries to process two contradictory commands and turns off completely, which is manifested on the face by an absolutely stupid expression.
It is believed that raising children is no different from managing employees, so we simply put ourselves — the parent — in the place of the boss, and the child in the place of the subordinate. At the same time, we assume that the employee, in general, is reasonable and understanding — why do we need others?
I imagined how the boss was standing over me with the words: “Come on quickly, write an article. Hurry, just take your time, write carefully. I wonder if I can even work in such conditions?
What is missing from the words “dress faster, write better”? Lacks specifics. It is often not clear to the child how to measure it, and what is important for mom (dad, grandmother) right now.
What to do? We are moving away from “process” instructions and moving on to “results”.
Once, at a personnel management training, I learned a magic phrase that you need to say to employees: “And a good result of your work will be …” It’s simple, you don’t say what to do now, you say what should be done and when, but reasonable the employee himself will find the right way to complete the task. If in doubt, you can discuss with the person exactly how he is going to solve the problem. (This, of course, applies to already trained employees. Newcomers just need to be taught the necessary processes at the beginning).
I now successfully use this method with my children.
So, all tasks are divided into two types:
- This child still does not know how to do it himself.
- This child already knows.
In the first case, by analogy with the adaptations of a new employee, we choose free time and teach: “I wash the dishes like this. Here we put wet things, here we hang cups, here we put a sponge. Here it is important not to rush, to be calm, friendly and calmly respond to mistakes, explaining how to. Usually a few times is enough.
In the second case, when we know that the child will definitely cope with the task, we simply report the most important result for you with specific deadlines. “I would like the dishes to be washed and put in their places by my arrival at 19.00. Are you okay?»
Example of life
The son slowly eats a morning sandwich, and the daughter stands over him impatiently:
“Come on, hurry up, otherwise I’ll be late for school because of you!”
Stop! Firstly, it resembles a teaching position (and how do you most often want to respond to teachings? That’s right, protest. The sandwich will be chewed even more slowly). Secondly, there is a conflictogen: «I’m because of you.» There is no place for conflictogens in the speech of loved ones. And thirdly, it’s time for Lilya to formulate her thoughts specifically, which was clear: she doesn’t command, she doesn’t teach, she takes care of business, because now it’s important — for both — to come to school on time.
— Lilya, you know, men understand better when they are told specific things. It is best if they can be measured in numbers. Tell me, please, after how many minutes does Valera have to get up from the table so that you have time to get ready for school?
Lily looks at her watch.
— In three minutes.
“Very well, Valera, your sister asks you to finish breakfast in three minutes, so that both of you have time. Can you do it?
Valera copes in a minute and a half.
Now at home I try to teach everyone to think and speak in measurable terms.
First, it develops responsibility for one’s words. “Mom, I’ll be there soon” is one thing, and “Mom, I’ll be there in five minutes” is quite another. The man said, the man did.
And secondly, it helps understanding between people. For one, «urgent» is during the day, and for the other, «within a week.» If children learn to convey their thoughts to people clearly and concretely, this will be useful to them in life.