Contents
How to get started in BDSM, the erotic practice that requires the explicit consent of its participants
Gender
Writer and sexologist Valèrie Tasso explains the keys to BDSM, an acronym that encompasses various practices, including bondage, discipline, domination, submission, and sadomasochism
Although BDSM is a concept that is often misinterpreted, the practices that this acronym encompasses under its umbrella (Bondage-Discipline-Domination-Submission-SadoMasochism) have been part of the human sexual experience throughout the ages. In addition, as pointed out from the field of sexology, it can contribute to improving relationships, since they are activities that are based on the open and honest communication among the participating adults, establishing well-defined limits that, in no case, can be exceeded. In fact, according to the sexologist, writer and LELO ambassador, Valèrie Tasso, these erotic practices, which can be seen as “different ways of living and understanding sexuality”, have something very specific in common, which is the explicit consent between the parties that are going to play. All of them, however, have long been taboo (indeed, they used to be referred to as ‘erotic minorities’), but the influence of literary phenomena such as the trilogy ’50 shades of gray’ (both criticized and praised) has managed to give visibility to BDSM and make people understand, as Tasso points out, that sexuality is not ‘one’, but rather that it is diverse and that there are no better or worse sexual practices than others. “This fact is very important because it allows ending certain prejudices that revolve around these erotic,” says the sexologist.
To understand some of these concepts, the expert makes an approach to each of the erotic so that, as she explains, the bondage “It is the practice by which someone is tied up or immobilized and which usually has many followers, always with their prior consent.” The domination, for its part, consists of “submitting and being served or served by the submissive person.” The submission, therefore, it refers to “obedience to or to the dominant one.” Regarding the sadism, the masochism and the discipline, are somewhat more complex practices to explain with a generic definition, since each of them can vary greatly depending on who carries them out.
How to get started in the practice of BDSM
When it comes to learning more about BDSM, Valèrie Tasso explains that one of the best sources to address this issue is to consult an expert in sexology, since in this way it will be possible to assess with each person the aspects that lead to be interested in BDSM such as motivations, desires and, above all, the Value scale of each one … Regarding the information that can be found on the internet or on forums or groups of people who claim to practice BDSM, the sexologist invites caution. In this sense, he explains that common sense will always be a great ally to sound the alarm in case some advice is not sensible or reliable. «And if we have doubts while we dive into certain specialized pages, I recommend that you do not go further. I repeat: sanity first of all. If something squeaks at us, it is because of something », he insists.
In her guide ‘Kinky sex and BDSM for laymen’ the expert assures that she not only talks about her own experiences but also addresses some of the fundamental issues of this practice without issuing moral judgment and providing bibliographic references and online platforms that provide reliable information about these erotic.
Honesty and sincerity, key in BDSM
When approaching the conversation with the couple about the sexual games or practices that you want to try, the sexologist recommends that it always be done from the sincerity. On many occasions we are afraid of how our partner will take it and that is precisely what leads us to not be entirely sincere. «We are concerned about telling you our wishes and fantasies but, deep down, it all boils down to the following: we have an excruciating fear of being judged», Tasso specifies. However, as he emphasizes, communication is key in any aspect of the couple, and this especially includes sex. “When these issues are addressed, I always ask the same thing: if I cannot be honest with the person I share my life with, about our sexuality, what do I do with her?”
Of course, once a consensus has been reached on the erotic practices that you want to try, it is important put limitsTherefore, as Valèrie Tasso indicates, it must be clear how far each person is willing to go: “Perhaps you want to try a certain game, but your partner does not. You have to respect it. Therefore, it is interesting to make that list together and reach an agreement on the things that you both feel comfortable with and want to try, as well as those that you do not want to experiment. Setting limits on certain practices is that: setting limits and not exceeding them. Never”.
Forget the prejudices
When something is surrounded by prejudices and myths, it is difficult for a person to suddenly break with these clichés. In fact, as the expert recognizes, BDSM is still surrounded by many taboos. On many occasions it is because some people mistakenly call it ‘sadomasochism‘, a term we associate with spanking, brutality, etc. However, as the sexologist clarifies, BDSM, well practiced, following common sense and establishing limits beforehand, it is an interesting world that has nothing to do with violence understood as an act in which what we seek is to inflict pain.
“To people who are scandalized by these erotica, I would say that BDSM, contrary to what they think, can become the most democratic erotic there is. Because nobody does anything they don’t want to since everything is consensual. It is the dramatization of fantasies. The same cannot always be said for the conventional model of sexuality that they have sold us. And if it is not consensual, it is not erotic or BDSM. It is simply abuse. So clear, “he concludes.
BDS has its own ‘dress code’
The staging can play a fundamental role, both in BDSM and in any other sexual relationship. The mere sight of a person dressed in a certain way can excite us more than a kiss or a caress.
In the specific case of BDSM, the sexologist highlights a ‘dress code’ in which leather, latex and PVC are the protagonists. “They adapt perfectly to the body and look like a second skin, dressing that nude and loading it with symbolism,” he clarifies. Thus, as he explains, it is usual that to enter certain BDSM clubs it is mandatory to wear this type of material, although it is true that, little by little, this type of demands are becoming more permissive. The truth is that, although it is usual, it is not at all necessary to comply with this dress code to fully enjoy BDSM.
Beware of expectations
In the era of immediacy, the sexologist remembers that sex has its times and that the number one enemy of BDSM is impatience. “These practices require time, reaching agreements, setting limits, a safe word, starting with simple practices… On many occasions, the first experiences can be somewhat frustrating, precisely because these previous steps have not been carried out. In others, it is simply not possible to connect with the other person, ”he clarifies. That is why the expert advises taking time to find the right people to carry out these practices and to discard the things that are not enjoyed, because if you want to have an incredible experience the first time, these people may end up frustrated and hating those games. “The most exciting thing about these erotica is that they simmer,” he reveals.