Love relationships are always associated with strong feelings, both positive and negative. Even when relationships end, we still depend on them emotionally for a long time. Childhood experiences can also be quite painful and poison existence for many years. How can we get rid of these ghosts of the past and start life from scratch?
After the breakup, you still live in the same relationship: angry, jealous, and feeling guilty. Remembering conversations, quarrels and scenes of reconciliation, you think about what could have been said, done or not done. Experiences associated with the past interfere with normal life and prevent new relationships from developing normally.
You can correct the situation only by parting with the emotional ghosts of the past and taking control of your emotions. First admit to yourself that they poison your life. Tell yourself that you will no longer be their victim.
1. Determine who this ghost is
This may be a too harsh father, unrequited student love, memories of which have been tormenting you for decades, or an ex-wife with whom you parted as enemies.
Try to “meet” them without unnecessary emotions. Avoid the temptation to accuse your ex-husband, wife or girlfriend of all mortal sins. By blaming, you put yourself in the position of a victim, and by acknowledging what happened, you become the master of the situation.
The emotional ghost doesn’t have to be the person who hurt you.
Its prototype can live hundreds of kilometers from you and not even suspect not only about your suffering, but also about your existence. It happens that the father of the family considers his wife too fat just because he is in the power of the ghost of a slender classmate whom he has never seen since graduation.
Once you become aware of your dependence on the ghost, you will gain power over it and over your emotional state.
2. Take charge of your life
Tell yourself or another person if he annoys you in the real world: “I have been under your negative influence for a long time, but I will no longer allow you to control me.” You need to strive to move forward, and not get stuck in old grievances and relationships.
If your ex inspired you that you are not good enough, this does not mean at all that you will not be able to build a harmonious relationship with a new partner. Were you offended by classmates as a child and not accepted by peers? This is not a reason to give up on yourself.
You can be happy in your adult life if you accept that you are still haunted by the ghosts from your childhood and get out of their control.
3. Separate yourself from ghosts
An effective way to separate yourself from them is to list your differences and realize how different you are.
You have a different character, different life values, you build relationships with loved ones differently
Did your mother get angry all the time over trifles? Scolded you for the slightest offense? But you are different from her. She had a difficult childhood: her father died early, leaving debts. My grandmother worked around the clock, and my mother had to take care of her younger brothers and sisters.
Your life is completely different, and you are a completely different person. The husband lost his job, but you are not angry, but support him. The little daughter spilled juice on the sofa, you felt annoyed, but managed to cope with it. You didn’t yell at the child like your mother would. You are free from your ghosts.
About the author: Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., is the author of four books, including Why Can’t You Read My Mind?