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How to get over the loss of a loved one
Psychology
Maria Sirois, clinical psychologist, writer and consultant, draws up a list of techniques to cope with the death of a relative
Who else, who less, has suffered some loss forever: no more dinners, walks around the city or endless talks will be shared. Nor will he be on the other end of the phone when you dial his number nor will he be able to whisper those tips that you liked so much. The loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult moments in the life of every human being, and there is no manual that describes how to deal with such a situation. However, Maria Sirois, specialized in positive psychology, found in the death from her brother the impulse to “motivate” other people who, like her, saw no meaning in life after that goodbye. It is with this death that “Little Course of Happiness to Cope with Loss (and Other Dark and Difficult Situations)” is born.
The author brings together in her story the science of positive psychology with a voice that exudes wisdom and sensitivity. She draws on her own experiences and stories from friends and students to offer those in mourning process meditations and tools with which to reconnect and create something new. “When we move towards a life that nourishes us, the world comes to meet us hands full of consolation, repair and a deep vital meaning, ”explains María Sirois, who completed her doctorate at the Massachusetts School of Psychology (USA).
There are those who after a loss show themselves well and after a while it is when they really grieve. Why is this happening?
Many of us feel quite well after a death: It may be because we are still in shock and the whole reality has not hit us or because we have been surrounded by tremendous love for the first few months, and then that support fades and now we are alone. Often, the loss will hit harder months later because we have to face the end of the dreams that we had connected with that person, and it takes a long time to create new purposes and build a new reality that supports us. Over time, the harshness of the day to day of not having that person becomes exhausting … Many times it happens that we feel worse the longer it has been since that goodbye.
Why do some family members or friends crumble and others grow stronger in the face of loss?
The ability to get stronger after the loss is based on a few things. The first is the willingness to grow, to allow yourself to experience suffering and move towards growth and reconnection with life. There is also some sense of support in the world: it is very difficult to get out of pain and suffering if we feel completely alone in the world. We all need at least one caring soul, be it a friend, partner, relative, or therapist that we can lean on and that we can lean on.
And third, we need to know, either through our own experience, through our willingness to learn from others, or through expert guides, that it is possible to be sad and sad anyway. experience generosity and kindness in life. We need a way forward, with practical steps and inspiration.
Many people, why will they say, do not resume their lives after a loss. How do you teach them that feeling better doesn’t mean they have forgotten?
We must be more aware and skillful to understand that true resilience does not mean being happy or sad … Resilience and prosperity really force us to learn to maintain both. Sadness and pain do not eliminate the possibility of feeling warmth, love and hope.
Second, happiness or meaning can, in fact, come from loss – remembering what our loved one loved to do or wanted to relive can stay alive within you. My brother was much better at trying new things, after he passed away, I began to feel closer to him by deciding that I could take more risks.
Third, the feeling of moving forward from the pain is not about forgetting, that would be a misunderstanding, but about creating a new meaning, a new purpose or sense of life that includes the loss so that we can still honor and recognize our loved one and continue to grow. towards a new life.
In his book “Little Happiness Course to Cope with Loss (and Other Dark and Difficult Situations)”, he emphasizes breathing. What role does it play when we are faced with a loss?
Breathing does a lot for us. When we are in pain, learning to breathe deeply provides a momentary psychological and physiological respite. Our brain begins to calm down, our heart rate may decrease, and we create a mental space. Breathing creates space, the opportunity to consider what might be the next best thought, or action, or how we want to handle our pain. One day we might want to calm down by resting. At another time, we may want to speak to someone who has had a similar loss. Knowing what the next best action might be is best supported by learning to breathe, pause, and then choose.
How to take refuge in hope after a major loss?
Hope, true and useful hope, requires three elements:
The first is the ability to face reality, feel our feelings, face pain as it is and not deny it. Then we would have to choose not only to stay in the painful reality, but to build an “and” that moves us forward.
Finally, take small steps that bring us closer to a slightly better future. It is not a perfect future, but one in which we are at peace with ourselves.
My sense of hope after my brother’s death was defined by my choice to, little by little, start saying yes to new activities, to which I would have said no in the past. I was hoping that I could find a life that would inspire me, living in something that meant something to my brother.
Techniques to reduce the sadness that causes death
Maria Sirois has made a kind of list with tips to cope, in the best way possible, the loss of a loved one. From his own experience, these are the tips he gives:
– We must give ourselves permission to feel our sadness; it is important not to hide from it.
– Leave room for positive feelings. Maria Sirois says that «while we feel sadness and other feelings such as regret, anger or confusion, we must leave room for others feelings that arise as gratitude for the love that comes to us or relief for the kindness that others have shown. Allowing space for all feelings is important.
– Do not isolate yourself. “When we are in great pain, we tend to withdraw from others, and we want to protect our hearts, but we want to make sure we stay connected to others and to life. This means, for many of us, that we must learn to accept help, ask for help, reach out to others on bad days and learn to trust that others will be there to help us », sentence the psychologist.