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Dozens of books and hundreds or even thousands of articles are devoted to how to survive a divorce or parting with a partner. But what if you have lost a valuable friendship for you? For example, because life divorced you from a childhood friend, or because irreconcilable differences arose between you and a loved one?
We were taught from childhood that “strong friendships will not break,” but the truth is that relationships with a loved one will not necessarily last our whole life. It’s an unpleasant thought, but the sooner we come to terms with it, the easier it will be for us, says coach and friendship expert Daniela Bayard Jackson.
“When entering into a relationship with a new partner, we usually wonder if we will succeed, if he will turn out to be “the one”. However, such doubts rarely visit us when it comes to friendship. For some reason, it seems to us that a friend will remain a friend by default, forever. That is why we so painfully endure a sudden break with him or even a gradual separation. We feel like we did something wrong.”
Sometimes it is true: friendship, like any other relationship, requires work, investment from both sides. In fact, it often seems to us that friendship will continue “by itself”. Moreover, many of us realize the value of social connections only after losing them.
How can you help yourself get over this breakup?
1. Allow yourself to mourn the loss.
Don’t try to act like nothing happened, be honest with yourself and others: you are going through hard times and need support in exactly the same way as if you broke up with a romantic partner. Your feelings are hurt – so allow yourself to grieve in full and remember to take care of yourself. A break is a break, and healing will take time.
It seems strange to us that one can grieve at the loss of a friend as much as at a divorce, but in fact there is nothing surprising in this: we were sure that it was “for life”, and we are especially hurt because of the deceived expectations.
2. Try to figure out what happened
Parting with a partner is usually accompanied by a conversation during which you dot all the “i”, but in the case of friends, everything is more complicated: if there was no open conflict, how to understand that friendship is over? Daniela Bayard Jackson advises asking yourself the following questions: What exactly happened? What did each of us do? How do you feel about this?
If possible, try to talk to a (former) friend – not to convince him, but to put a final end to the relationship, close this door and not hope for a continuation of the relationship. However, it is not always there: a once close person may ignore your calls and messages, evade your attempts to clarify everything, or block you altogether.
“In this case, we often go over and over again in our heads the dialogue that we could have taken place, rehearse what we could say. Try to stop this stuck “mental record,” Jackson advises. “If you think that you are to blame for a former friend, apologize, but try not to hope for an answer.”
3. Determine what you need to move forward
By understanding the impact that the breakup with a friend had on your life and emotional state, you can figure out what you need to bounce back: give yourself extra time to grieve, talk to someone you trust, or isolate yourself from everything. which may remind you of a former friendship.
Jackson recommends using the language of gratitude even when talking to yourself: “As soon as you feel able to talk about friendship in the past tense, mentally thank your friend for all the good that he gave you and communication with him.”
4. Analyze what is happening in relationships with other friends
Breaking up a friendship inevitably makes us worry about how it will affect relationships with other friends, especially if we had a common company. The expert advises not to hide what happened: “If we lose an arm, the rest of the body will definitely “notice” this. Yes, this can lead to further breakups too, but in this case it is appropriate to ask the question, were these people “yours” from the beginning.
True friends will definitely support you. At the same time, you need to understand that they have the right to communicate with your former friend if they want. And accept it.
Make it a rule to regularly “check the pulse” of your relationship with different friends: are you doing well, do you need to give a particular friend more attention and time. After all, when was the last time you saw each other in person, and not in the vastness of social networks?
5. Remember that you still deserve friendship.
Don’t let breaking up with one friend make you feel worthless, unworthy of friendship. Yes, making friends can be tricky, especially as an adult, but don’t give up trying.
Remember that you deserve acceptance from other people and kindness to yourself – first of all from yourself. This awareness of your own worth will help you get through difficult times.