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From the outside it seems that you have a great job, a wonderful family and everything is perfect. But in the morning you barely get out of bed, because you don’t know why to start a new day. At lunch you actively criticize someone’s bad behavior, and in the evening you are so exhausted that you climb into the refrigerator again, although you promised yourself not to eat at night. This is a dead point from which it is difficult to move if you do not know how.
When life has become like a vicious circle, and all attempts to break out of it fail, do not rush to blame yourself. The problem is not in character and lack of willpower. To change something, you need resources, but where to get them?
There are two factors that hinder the joyful stay in the present moment and the active movement forward – this is the experience of the past and anxiety for the future. Unfinished stories from the past drain resources. You again return to obsolete states, chew on insults, play painful conversations in your head and pull on wounds.
This is the mental chewing gum that the brain spends so much energy on that it is not able to pay attention to the present moment. When the door to the past is open, the present blows in with a draft. And the future is built in the present, which is stuck in the past and replays the same film. It is not surprising that all the energy is spent on controlling the past, which cannot be changed.
Imagine you are a puzzle. It turns out that only 30% of the picture reflects reality, everything else is a phantom
That is why the future seems so unknown, scary and unsettling. We develop a symptom called “spending”: we expend energy on a journey – from point A, where everything has already happened, to point C, where nothing is known yet. Point B, where our life is happening at the moment, becomes a dead point.
To get out of this state, you need to take three steps that do not require large energy costs. But before embarking on them, remember: “The past is unchanged, the future is unknown, and the present is beautiful.”
Step 1. Forgive yourself
The main thing that “well-wishers” who say: “get together, rag”, “just start doing”, “the road will be mastered by the walking one” is the lack of energy to start something new. So the first thing you need to do is stop. If you put pressure on the gas when the car is skidding, then you will get bogged down even more. Stop and look around. Become for yourself that contemplative who sees everything without evaluation.
Do not blame yourself, but on the contrary, sincerely, with joy and love for yourself, with respect for your uniqueness, say: “I forgive myself.” Accept all your facets, no matter how unattractive they may seem. Address yourself with the words: “Yes, maybe I’m not hardworking enough, yes, I’m lazy, yes, I made a number of mistakes, I was rude, ignorant, angry, envious. Yes, I was bashful or, on the contrary, arrogant. It is important to accept all this on an equal footing with those facets for which you have always been loved.
By the way, about those facets for which we are loved. Another channel into which we mercilessly pour resources is the desire to please everyone. Be a good, good girl. Be honest with yourself: did it make you happy?
Do you know what a good girl really is? This is a handy girl. Trying to please everyone is an unhealthy, neurotic state.
If in communication with a person you try to satisfy his needs and expectations, then you lose your authenticity. A good girl is, of course, wonderful, but only when she knows her own worth. So all you have to do is stop and acknowledge your imperfection. And in all its splendor, forgive yourself.
If there is a large layer of guilt in your unconscious, then the soil you are walking on is a swamp. It is impossible to move forward. Only by stopping, forgiving yourself, realizing that part that has been in the shadow side for a long time, can you feel the solid ground under your feet. But thinking is not the same as doing. Therefore, the next step is important, transforming awareness into action.
Step 2: Clear the area around
As soon as you have forgiven yourself, you need to immediately start a general cleaning on three fronts: at home, in the information field and in the body. Start with a simple house cleaning. Get rid of all rubbish and unnecessary things, especially those that remind you of the past. You need to get rid of excess before you start mopping the floor.
If inner convictions do not allow you to throw away things, give them to those in need. You can’t even imagine how much those skirts and blouses that you haven’t taken out of the closet for many years are stored. And you carry all this with you like bricks in your pockets.
The second point where you do a general cleaning is your information field, the personal space occupied by other people. Carefully scroll through your phone, laptop, notebook: there are hiding those who are no longer emotionally connected with you, but, taking up space in the mobile, continue to draw energy. All these names and dialogues are like dead souls filling the space of your life.
Existential despair: what does the lack of goals in life lead to
If you still haven’t deleted negative messages, then most likely you don’t want to get rid of these emotions. There is a masochistic meaning to this: to keep what hurts. The happiest people are those who have lost their phone or laptop. They have a field of emptiness, which they fill with what they need.
And the third point in which you carry out general cleaning is your body. It remembers everything: your feelings, experiences, emotional outbursts, ups and downs. These are stones written in the body in the form of blocks and clamps, and your task is to get rid of them.
How to carry out general cleaning in the body? Everyone here has their own keys. There are many ways to unblock the body, to release energy: yoga, breathing exercises, all dance psychological practices and just dancing. Most importantly, pay attention to your body.
Step 3: Ask yourself the right questions
The last step is a technique to help you form an idea of yourself in the moment. It’s called Three Questions. The first is: “What do I want next?” There is a catch in the wording: the word “next” is somewhere very far away. Everything that lies beyond today is seen as a big goal and a big dream.
Here you can also find relief through the release of tension: no need to strain, further is not so far away. In fact, this is the next moment. If you want to get up at this moment and open the window, put the kettle on, wipe off the dust, drink tea – these are the correct answers to the questions.
The faster you satisfy the requirement, desire, the more satisfaction you will receive in the moment. Ask yourself this question and listen to the answer from the depths of yourself, not from the mind. I don’t need to, but I want to. After fulfilling the first wish, note the feelings that you experience because you have done what you wanted.
The second question is “What is the difference between today and yesterday?”. If you can ask yourself the first question during the day, then this one – only in the evening, when things are completed, you are calm and relaxed. Do not try to evaluate the days: today is better (worse) than yesterday, and vice versa. The challenge is to point out the difference.
Let’s say it rained yesterday, but today it didn’t. Yesterday I had kharcho for lunch, and today I ate borscht. Yesterday I decided to wear sandals, today I was in sneakers. The purpose of the practice is to show that your life is not just not static, but it changes every hour. So you track the movement of life, learn to notice the little things.
The third question is “What about my dream?”. If the first two questions you need to ask yourself every day, then the third one is more global. Once a week is enough. You need to review your goals and desires. What you dream about, what you are going for, can change throughout your life.
So, in childhood, it seemed to us that our biggest dream was to buy a kilogram of sweets, eat it and become happy. Now, even if we buy two kilograms of sweets, they are unlikely to make us happy. We change, our dreams change with us.
If at some point you realize that the dream you have been working towards so long and hard is no longer yours, don’t be afraid to correct it or give it up altogether. At the same time, ask yourself: why do I no longer want this? And answer honestly to yourself: “Because I have changed, now I don’t need it.” When you can accept the possibility of change, you will allow yourself to do what you really want to do.