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Jealousy is difficult to cure, but you can learn how to cope with it – different types of psychotherapy help with this. Family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova and narrative psychologist Ekaterina Daichik talk about how this happens.
Our consultants
Inna Khamitova – Member of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists of the European Psychotherapeutic Association.
Ekaterina Daychik – Narrative consultant and family psychotherapist, member of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists.
Ilya, 39 years old, was a fierce jealous man for many years: he suspected women he loved of treason, arranged violent scenes for them, which, as a rule, led to a break in relations. A course of psychotherapy helped him free himself from an obsessive behavior pattern. “I was able to understand the reasons for my jealousy: I grew up without a father, with my mother. But one day my father reappeared and “stole” my mother’s love from me.” Since then, every man who approached the women whom Ilya loved was unconsciously perceived by him as a person stealing love. “Childhood trauma is part of my history, a scar that will remain forever. But therapy allowed me to understand what is causing my jealousy, it no longer causes me suffering. For ten years, Ilya has been living with one woman. “She signed up for a Spanish course. Before, I would definitely ask her if there are many men who go to classes … Today I manage the situation, because I realized that the problem is not in her, but in me. My jealousy no longer poisons our lives. When jealousy becomes painful, it turns into a nightmare for both the one to whom it is directed and for the one who experiences it. Various therapeutic approaches to this problem make it possible, if not to cure it completely, then at least control its consequences.
Family Psychotherapy
Married couple: the wife is constantly jealous of her husband, torments him with reproaches and suspicions. From the point of view of individual psychotherapy, the reason for her behavior is in the internal problems of a woman. Perhaps she is insecure, perhaps her jealousy is the result of early (often childhood) traumatic relationships … There can be many reasons. And they all describe the inner reality of the woman herself. “A family psychotherapist, in order to solve this problem, must first of all understand what is happening in this couple, how its members interact and what actually leads to the formation of a symptom (jealousy),” says Inna Khamitova. After questioning the family who came to the reception, the therapist finds out that they have accumulated a lot of complaints against each other. For a wife, for example, it seems that her husband pays little attention to her, but too much – to work and, of course, cheats on her. She is absolutely sure of it. The husband, in turn, believes that his wife does not care about him, does not understand and does not appreciate him. “Gradually, using the circular interview method, the therapist helps the family to see a certain pattern – how the behavior of one partner reinforces the behavior of the other,” explains Inna Khamitova. For example: a husband works a lot and gets so tired that in the evening he does not have enough emotional strength to communicate with his wife. The wife thinks that he does not want to communicate with her, spends energy on another woman. She is upset, annoyed, and when her husband comes home, she sharply expresses her claims to him. There is a scandal, during which the husband is once again convinced that “the wife does not understand him, is not happy to see him.” As a result, he stays longer at work, and her indignation becomes more violent. The circle is closed.
“Why do they need it? – continues Inna Khamitova. – It can be assumed that the more hidden dissatisfaction in a couple with each other, the more carefully the spouses avoid intimacy, finding reasons not to communicate, because inadvertently a conflict that is detrimental to the family can be provoked. The more carefully they distance themselves, the more anxiety they feel about the safety of their family. This is where the need for jealousy arises: a showdown brings partners closer, showing how much they need each other. It turns out that violent scandals are the only possible form (albeit negative) of intimacy for them. Therefore, the more conflicts motivated by jealousy, the more stable this family becomes. Instead of clarifying the relationship, partners transfer all their energy into conflicts over jealousy. As soon as the family therapist succeeds in making this clear to the spouses, change becomes possible. Now you can help them find zones of interaction that are free from conflict, which will allow them to experience closeness not only during jealousy scenes.
Method of systemic family therapy
How does this happenIn systemic family therapy, any problem (including jealousy) is considered not as a feature of the behavior or feeling of an individual family member, but as a result of the functioning of the system as a whole. Systemic family therapy does not work with an individual, but with the family as a whole – it is seen as a single living organism that is constantly evolving. All parts and processes occurring in the family system are both cause and effect of each other. If the family system is flexible enough, dealing with jealousy can be limited to even one meeting. For some families, this work takes several months (with meetings once a week). The cost of one meeting is from 500 to 3000 rubles.
Narrative approach
Any difficulties (for example, morbid jealousy) are considered by the narrative psychotherapist as something that “exists next to the person” and is not part of his personality. “We are looking at how jealousy affects the client and the people who are connected with him,” says Ekaterina Daichik. This technique is called “externalization”. It allows you to feel “separate” from your problem, to perceive it as if we are looking at it from the outside – this gives more resources to cope with it. In addition, the narrative therapist tries to understand how our behavior and feelings are influenced by social, cultural stereotypes. In the case of jealousy, these may be, for example, the idea that all men are polygamous, and women are frivolous and cannot be trusted. An important task of the therapist is to help the client understand that the ideas absorbed from childhood are not absolute, they can be looked at in a different way and develop their own view on this problem.
Pass the tests
- How jealous are you?
“The psychotherapist helps the client understand what values are important to him and how jealousy prevents them from being realized,” says Ekaterina Daichik. “For example, he wants to feel more free, trust his partner, stop controlling him in everything.” The next step is to find out the history of these values: how and when they originated, what they mean for the client. “It often turns out that partners have a common space (common interests, favorite pastime), which jealousy does not affect,” continues Ekaterina Daichik. – We find out what skills, skills, thoughts helped to create a situation free from jealousy. Then we try to develop this “exceptional episode” and build a story in which it turns out to be connected with other situations in life.
As a result, a person has more resources to overcome jealousy. He realizes that he already has the support to deal with it. He sees an alternative, understands what he had not thought about before, and chooses how to live. “We are creating a new story that exists in parallel with the history of jealousy,” continues Ekaterina Daichik. “It’s as if there was a piece of the puzzle with the image of some unpleasant figure, and in the course of therapy we expand, collect the whole picture completely, and it turns out that in general the image is much more optimistic.”
Narrative therapy method
How does this happenBuilding an idea of ourselves and our lives, we single out some episodes and omit others. But when meeting with a narrative therapist (narrative in English means “story”, “narrative”), it is precisely those details that we tend to ignore that are important – they help tell a new story about ourselves. This method is great for dealing with a wide variety of problems. The narrative approach is applied both in individual work and in work with families. The number of meetings depends on the complexity of the problem. But most often you need 8-10 meetings once a week, 1-1,5 hours each. The cost of one meeting is from 1,5-2 thousand rubles.
Have a question?
- Consultation of the Institute of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis, tel.: (495) 682-1114.
- Center for Narrative Psychology and Practice, tel.: (8 916) 730-1865.