How to get around common thinking pitfalls

It’s okay not to control your thoughts. Trying to control them is akin to self-deception. Yes, and it’s hard to argue with the brain, because it has an iron logic. But you can get around the insidious traps of thinking in order to maintain a healthy psyche and become happier.

Trap #1: Black and White Thinking

• “I messed up my presentation because I mixed up two important slides”
• “All my friends are married because they are cute. I’m alone because I’m ugly»
• “You have wonderful parents, they supported all your undertakings. And mine broke my life, they didn’t let me go to art school ”

Have you had similar thoughts? We are all great at comparing and contrasting. From an early age we learn what is «high» in comparison with «low» and «old» in comparison with «young». No wonder we are so often faced with an all-or-nothing choice: our situation looks terrible, but someone else’s is wonderful.

But isn’t there a middle ground between a perfect presentation and a «total failure»? Is «married» and «single» the same as «pretty» and «ugly»? The main thing is to understand that there are no absolute colors in nature. No need to persuade yourself that you are satisfied with something that is not at all to your liking. It’s easier to recognize that there are shades of gray.

By and large, it’s nonsense that your parents didn’t let you go to art school. They probably supported in something else: taught how to run a household, brought up responsibility, gave warmth and comfort, paid for education, or tried to please your chosen one. Of course, they made mistakes, but there is a whole abyss between “wonderful parents” and “ruined life”.

Which is better: to live with eternal resentment or to allow yourself mixed feelings of gratitude and disappointment? When your brain starts to whisper that there are only two options, slow down and ask yourself – are you missing something important?

Trap #2: Jumping to conclusions

• “She didn’t respond to the message, she’s definitely angry”
• “If I didn’t impress everyone in the interview, I can be considered lost”
• “The doctor frowns, he must have found something terrible in my cardiogram”

Whether it’s good or bad, the brain is ahead of the speed of sound and rushes through time and space, trying to look ahead. It helps out at times. If we weighed each thought for a long time, then we would never hit the ball flying at our head.

But sometimes the ability to run ahead leads to trouble. Events are still unfolding, and we already “know” how it will end. Not only does anxiety develop, sometimes it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When we convince ourselves that no one is interested, then all evening we freak out, pout and even snap. If new acquaintances don’t like our surly version, can they be blamed? Wouldn’t it be better to relax and be friendly? If you’re nervous or pre-hung up, ask yourself why time travel or read other people’s minds. Are the conclusions based on already accomplished facts? Or what will “definitely” happen?

No matter how much you trust your intuition, your fears have not come true yet. There is no need to torment them in advance.

Trap #3: Mental Filter

• “I don’t get enough sleep, and I don’t understand anything”
• “My girlfriend is always throwing dirty things on the floor. She’s hopeless!»
• “I am a poor artist. I can only draw people in the style of «stick-stick-cucumber»

Our brain is a born advocate. We unconsciously make claims and automatically look for evidence. Naturally, today you are broken, because you did not sleep well last night. From Friday to Saturday, you also slept badly and were broken. From Tuesday to Wednesday you didn’t sleep well and… It’s already a pattern, isn’t it?

But have you ever felt refreshed after a sleepless night? Or, on the contrary, did you sleep well, but the day was disgusting? When we try to attribute our blues to lack of sleep, cases come to mind that confirm the hunch, because that’s what we were trying to achieve.

But finding evidence to the contrary is much more difficult. Sometimes we don’t even bother looking further.

Let’s say you really only draw sketchy figures, but have you tried to depict something more serious? Van Gogh himself would never have become a great artist if he insisted that he could not draw.

When you get stuck again or lose faith in something, think about it — maybe blinkers interfere? Change the role of a lawyer to an independent investigator and carefully examine the evidence. Suddenly you missed something?

Trap #4: Emotional Conditioning

• “So awkward. I looked like a fool»
• “Hands are trembling, intestines are knotted. No, I’m definitely not ready to talk.»
• “Something is not right. Apparently, this project should not be taken on.”

Emotions provide us with invaluable help. Bad forebodings warn of danger, stormy joy confirms sincere affection, sadness suggests what the soul asks for.

But sometimes we get so caught up in our experiences that we give them too much importance. Feeling awkward does not mean looking like a fool.

We often judge ourselves much more severely than those around us. Yes, we are thrown into a fever when we stumble during a wedding toast or make a mistake in communicating with a foreigner. But the reflex reaction of the body does not necessarily mean that the brain had time to objectively assess the situation.

You don’t have to feel like you’re completely embarrassed just because you’re embarrassed. Don’t give up just because you’re not particularly excited about a new project.

Listen to your emotions, they will tell you the reason for doubt: maybe something goes against your values ​​or you have taken on an impossible task. But don’t turn down opportunities in the heat of the moment. Lack of enthusiasm does not mean that everything is lost.

Trap #5: Catastrophizing

• «It’s the end of the world!»
• «The holiday is completely ruined»
• «No chance of a relationship»

We all have similar thoughts. We accidentally hit Reply All while sending a private email. We do stupid things in front of those we want to impress. We quarrel over trifles and think that we have burned all the bridges. This is called catastrophizing.

It only takes one misfortune to turn the world black. An insignificant mound of embarrassment turns into a mountain of irreparable mistakes.

Let’s put everything in its place. Do you remember someone who has experienced not the best moments and survived safely? How about superstars?

In 2007, Beyonce stumbled and flopped face down in front of a packed house. Katy Perry fell into a giant cake at the MTV Awards, couldn’t get up and had to be carried off stage. Fergie forgot to go to the toilet before the concert, let’s say, she could not contain the intensity of passions, and a crowd of fans watched the traitorous stain spread across her pants.

Can you imagine what was going on in their head? Beyoncé must have thought, «My impeccable glamorous image is gone.» Fergie suffered: «My career is over.» What else was left to think when thousands of people saw your failure?

But they went further and today they are still just as successful and admirable. After all (wow!) to stumble is not their only achievement. They are applauded for hits!

When you’re obsessed with misses, it’s helpful to shift your focus. After all, if you put a magnifying glass on the event, it will close the full view. Isn’t it better to perceive it as a small fragment of a big life?

Trap #6: Clinging to “shoulds”

• “I don’t have to explain to her why I’m upset — I have to guess myself”
• «I shouldn’t be so naive after being dumped»
• “A boss has no favorites. He should promote me, because I do the most «

Of course, sometimes the pathetic “should” is appropriate: say, in a declaration of human rights. But in most everyday situations, it’s like leaning against a wall and complaining about not leaving the room.

We can assume that the spouse should guess that her careless phrase hit the sore spot. But if not? Maybe she did not want to offend you and simply did not notice how her words worked? Telling yourself that she “should” only keeps her in the dark, reveling more and more in resentment. And who ends up paying for it?

When someone else “owes” it, we get angry and resentful. When we «should» ourselves, our conscience torments us. It would be great if our collective belief that everything should be this way and not otherwise, at least change something.

Sometimes this is what happens. The idea that women and men should have equal civil rights grew into a social movement and led to universal suffrage. Suffragettes deserve deep gratitude for all the «shoulds» they proclaim.

But, alas, the world, and sometimes our actions are unfair, biased and bring only disappointment. We choose what to fight for.

If for the sake of something it is not a pity to lay down your head, go for it! But when this is not a matter of a lifetime, but a conflict that can cost relationships, health and good mood, forget the word “should”. Replace it with «would like to…». And then decide how to fix the situation.

Ironically, thought traps help us become more flexible. Do not try to see the good in the bad, it is difficult and unnecessary. Our task is to stay in touch with reality: remember the facts, restore the whole picture and get out of the cage of endless “shoulds”. These traps are needed so that we learn to recognize them and become truly free.

About the author: Jade Wu is a clinical psychologist.