How to get along with your imperfect self

“Be yourself!”, “Accept yourself!”, “Love yourself imperfect!”. All this resembles slogans that are far from real life. Despite the appeals, we are often uncomfortable in our body, we cannot always agree with our own feelings and inner critic. Isn’t too much strength and energy spent on this acceptance? Is the game worth the candle?

“Two years after giving birth, I became interested in the ideas of body positivity, talked with women from our group,” says 29-year-old Natalia. – During the feeding, I got better, and when there are those who are like you, it’s easier.

But one day I looked at a photograph taken during our meeting, and saw everyone and myself, as if from the outside. I was 25 years old, and I weighed 97 kg with a height of 165 cm. In the photo I saw the same, albeit cheerful, but lonely women who found refuge in the ideas of self-acceptance.

It was like I was scalded with boiling water. I didn’t want to be like that. I dreamed of returning to my body, catching the glances of men. It was a turning point. I realized that my acceptance of myself is the flip side of rejection, only beautifully packaged.

Natalia made a plan of action: consultation with a nutritionist, psychologist, gym. And so her journey began.

There is another extreme. We constantly make ever higher demands on ourselves, this applies to careers, relationships with others and our own body. We seem to show ourselves not only to the world, but also to ourselves with one polished side. Where is the line between connivance, on the one hand, and overwhelming exactingness, on the other?

Healthy perfectionism

Sometimes aspirations for the better turn into unrealistic expectations: to succeed in everything, to please everyone (and, therefore, to give out only reactions allowed by society). Psychotherapist Sharon Martin believes that the pursuit of excellence leads to a train of problems: we criticize ourselves harshly, find fault with others, think inflexibly, overwork ourselves, cannot relax, do not want to try new things, and are afraid of failure. Familiar?

Many grew up in unstable families that lacked predictability and a sense of security. We tried to be perfect in order to avoid criticism, rejection and anger, and that’s what we became: perfectionists.

It would be logical to assume that those who are goal-oriented, work hard and achieve a lot, have high self-esteem. However, perfectionists strive for perfection because they are not confident in themselves, says Sharon Martin.

Shame is the perfectionist’s engine. Once upon a time, we were treated as if we were bad, incapable of anything. As adults, we try to compensate for this shame by pleasing others and by striving to do everything in the best way, without the right to make mistakes. But happiness and self-esteem should not depend on success and achieving goals, the therapist emphasizes. However, to recognize that we are valuable in ourselves, regardless of merit, many have to learn.

to be and achieve

How to combine self-improvement and the opportunity to enjoy life?

“The Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov singled out two main modes of life: the “mode of being” and the “mode of achievement” or development, says Elena Pavlyuchenko, a Gestalt therapist. “They are both essential for a healthy balance. The avid perfectionist exists solely in achievement mode.”

But we are not born like that, but become.

Imagine a child who makes a sand cake and hands it to his mother: “Look what a pie I made!” If mom is in the mode of being, she reacts like this: “Oh, what a good pie!” They are both happy with what they have. Maybe the cake is “imperfect”, but it does not need improvement. Both mother and child experience joy from what happened, from contact, from life now, Elena Pavlyuchenko explains.

Mom “in achievement mode” will say: “Oh, thank you, why didn’t you decorate it with berries? And look, Masha has more pie. Yours is not bad, but it could be better. With parents of this type, everything can always be better – and the drawing is more colorful, and the score is higher. They never have enough of what they have. They constantly suggest what else can be improved, and this spurs the child to an endless race of achievements, along the way teaching them to be dissatisfied with what they have.

“Perfectionism is associated with the idea of ​​development, which is good. But living in only one mode is like jumping on one leg, continues the Gestalt therapist. It is possible, but not for long. It is only by alternating steps with both feet that we are able to maintain our balance and move freely.”

Strength is not in extremes, but in balance. And the ability to switch. In achievement mode, do your best at work, and then go into being mode, say, “Wow, I did it! Great!” And give yourself a break, enjoy the fruits of your hands, and even yourself: I am here, I live, I just am …

But what is “just being”?

Getting to know yourself

How difficult it can be to admit that we have those emotions that society blacklists: anger, impotence, sadness, envy, anger, embarrassment …

In order to cope with “wrong” experiences, we often deny them or belittle them, blunting them with food, alcohol, drugs, games, pornography. With the help of easily accessible pleasures, we try to improve our well-being and distract ourselves from problems. As a result, we leave them unresolved.

It is impossible to refuse feelings selectively, because the psyche is initially integral. By refusing to feel sadness, we thereby freeze, deprive ourselves of joy. The antidote to this, according to Sharon Martin, is awareness, which helps to accept yourself and any of your thoughts and emotions.

Including those that we experience when looking at our ever-changing body, which we too often reproach for imperfection.

Coming to terms with your “wrongness” means getting to know yourself, phototherapist Marta Kochany is convinced. Who sees us the most? That’s right, we are. We walk past the shop window and involuntarily glance at our reflection. And the mirror? How many times a day do we meet in it with ourselves? But the mirror has a drawback: we see in it what we want, freeze for a moment to find the right angle and please ourselves.

“We almost never look at ourselves in motion, rarely examine ourselves below the neck intently,” says Marta Kohan. — When I work with clients, I catch different moments during the conversation. There are a thousand times more such random shots in life than there are moments of the “image in front of the mirror”. And for many it becomes a real discovery that this is me – with folds on my stomach or stooped – every day others see me. But at the same time, they did not stop communicating with me, I am just as loved, important, they accept me. This is where our work begins.”

Clients allow some pictures to be posted on the phototherapist’s Instagram.

“A girl turned to me, embarrassed by the many stretch marks on her stomach,” says Marta Kohan. – I published a picture, and she read that someone saw cherry blossoms on her stomach, and fifty commentators wrote: “These are angel wings!” For her, it was no less therapeutic than our session. Someone who sees a photo of my client with a scar after an accident or surgery understands something about himself. For example, they write: “And I was still worried about the scar after appendicitis, I was embarrassed by it. And then people with such scars accept themselves!

And in the end, we, so imperfect, but accepting ourselves, open ourselves to the imperfection of others and the world, and the needles and thorns that prevent us from touching disappear. And only then are we ready to love another – after all, first we loved ourselves.