Psychologists have refuted the legend of the second half. Studies show that the compatibility of partners does not affect the success of the union. Psychologist Luis Valades on what is important for a relationship.
This moment of meeting with the one and only. From the first seconds you experience attraction and a sense of closeness. It seems like you’ve known each other all your life. So the meeting of kindred souls is shown in films and TV shows that romanticize the concept of compatibility. Is this true and what is the secret of a successful relationship?
The illusion of compatibility
Some dating sites use tests to identify the personal qualities of visitors and determine their compatibility. Using the answers to the questions, they promise to find you the perfect match.
The prospect seems enticing. It’s natural to want to be with someone who shares your values and passions. If you are planning to start a family and have children, it is logical to look for a partner with the same goals. But are the unions of people with similar traits and interests really stronger, and are the relationships in a pair more harmonious?
Ted Hudson of the University of Texas has been watching couples for a long time. It turned out that objective indicators of compatibility do not affect happiness in marriage.
Happy couples noted that compatibility of characters has nothing to do with it — it’s all about the efforts that they make. Partners who were dissatisfied with the relationship, on the contrary, answered that compatibility is very important for marriage (they themselves do not consider themselves compatible). The researcher explains that when people say «we’re not compatible,» they mean «we don’t get along.»
The success of a marriage does not depend on the similarity of partners, but on the desire to maintain relationships.
This is the compatibility trap. When we are not happy in marriage, we consider ourselves incompatible, while the success of marriage does not depend on the similarity of partners, but on the desire to maintain relationships.
A vivid example is marriages by agreement of parents in eastern countries. According to international happiness studies, such marriages last longer and are happier than love unions in the West. The reason is the conscious decision of the spouses to be faithful to the promises made.
In Western society, independence is valued above all else. We want to freely choose who to be with, but if something goes wrong in a relationship, we start looking for a more suitable partner. It is at this point that the illusion of compatibility plays against us.
Partner for life
If you can’t rely on compatibility tests, how do you find your «soul mate»? Psychology professor John Gottman found that partners who focus on something global, for example, open a joint business, stay together the longest.
The main factor determining the success of a relationship is the way the couple interacts. It is important how you communicate with each other, agree. We need to support each other’s dreams, respect the partner and believe in his capabilities.
If you want to find the “right” person, you create compatibility yourself. There is no magic formula or algorithm that would help build a happy relationship.
Having met a potential partner, try to understand if he shares your aspirations, believes in your dreams and accepts you wholeheartedly. If the answer to these questions is yes, you have found your soul mate.