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Our circle of friends narrows as we grow up, and new friends become a luxury. And yet we can afford to make new acquaintances. We just need to understand what we expect from these relations.
Friends are special people. We can be honest with them. We can always rely on them. In their company we feel calm and relaxed. Connecting with them is empowering. Friends give what we cannot find in a family where business and worries surround us. To friends of childhood and youth we become attached most of all. We are ready to spend all day with them.
But then we have a family, we have children, and there is no time left for friends. The environment is changing, old friends are being replaced by colleagues, partners, friends. But can relationships with them become as close as those that we had with childhood friends? If not, where can you find friends?
How to find new friends?
After 30 years, people reconsider their social circle, limit the number of interests and connections, and tend to focus on life “here and now.” “We try to pay attention first of all to what is emotionally significant for us,” explains Laura Carstensen, professor of psychology at Stanford University (USA). “We prefer to spend time with our kids instead of going to the next party or going shopping with our girlfriends.”
At the beginning of life, we are looking for ourselves, and this affects how we form new bonds. For example, extroverts approach people who seem to reflect different sides of their character, while introverts, on the contrary, try to find in others what they lack. But by the age of 30, the personality becomes mature. We are comfortable within established boundaries, and new relationships risk disrupting them.
Meeting new people is often associated with discomfort, conflicting feelings, and distrust. We are afraid of these feelings – partly because we are afraid of being disappointed in people and withdrawing. But it’s not necessary to try to transfer into a new life the degree of closeness that was with childhood friends, writes Nicole Zangara in the book “The Survival of Female Friendship”. You need to understand: life has changed, and with it expectations and opportunities.
Friendship is different
According to Laura Carstensen, at 30 we perceive friendship differently than at 18. In others, we are more likely to look for what is close to us. We communicate with those with whom we can consult, who will support, from whom we can learn from experience, learn something. Friends are more likely to be those who are in the same life situation: colleagues, business partners, parents of children with whom our children are friends.
“This is a relationship of a different kind than those emotional attachments that are formed in childhood,” says Nicole Zangara. “But they can become no less valuable to us. Mature friendship has its advantages: we are less vulnerable, there is more certainty in relationships, and this allows us to more freely choose the distance and distribute roles.
But what about another problem – lack of free time? According to the Institute of Family and Employment (USA), most women between 25 and 54 years old admit that their free time is limited to 90 minutes a day. And 30% of survey participants have only 45 minutes for themselves.
It takes a lot of work to get communication to take on a tinge of ease.
“Maintaining friendships is no less of a challenge than making them. You have a job, families and friends – it’s really hard to keep them all in order, ”she adds.
What exit can be found? “Organize your time,” Zangara advises. – In friendship, as in everything, regularity is important. Start your own little rituals that will keep the relationship going. Let’s say you can meet once a month, but make the time of meetings sacred to you. Let your loved ones know how important these meetings are to you. Plan them in advance – so you will get more satisfaction from communication.
If you have a company of interests, start a page on social networks where you can exchange news and interesting finds, arrange meetings.
Lonely cards in hand
“When it comes to friends, social status is more important than age,” says Eric Kleinenberg, author of Living Solo. “Making friends is never easy, but it’s easier for single people to take risks, to decide to change something. I did interviews with different people. Someone goes on a trip alone and makes many new acquaintances there. Some sign up for yoga or dance classes. For some, after a divorce or growing up of children, a period of “second youth” begins, when the number of connections only grows.
Today we have much more opportunities to make friends, emphasizes Eric Kleinenberg: “One of the ideas of the book is that now social life is much less limited by age. The main limitation, in fact, is your own unwillingness to crawl out of the shell, reconsider your habits and lifestyle.
5 tips for those who want to make new friends
1. Find a new hobby. Go rock climbing, take photography classes, go dancing. This will give you an opportunity to discuss your interests with strangers.
2. Use social networks. And it’s not just Facebook or Odnoklassniki. There are many thematic networks that bring together people with a variety of goals. For example, Servas and Couchserfing are for those who love to travel and communicate with people from other countries, Bleat is for vegans and vegetarians, and Catmoji is for cat lovers.
3. Get out of the house more often. Be among people. Talk to your housemates. It is not necessary to try to make friends with every interlocutor, but such tactics will help to liberate yourself.
4. Don’t be afraid to take risks. You will always find opportunities for communication. Tune in to be open, show interest, and don’t be too serious. Look at a new acquaintance as a source of pleasure, and not a task from the list of personal goals for this year.
5. Invest in relationships. “Friendship requires constant investment of effort and time,” says Nicole Zangara. “You will get emotional returns only when you yourself are ready to share your emotions, show attention and patience.”