How to find a partner in adulthood?

Indeed, we, both at 30 and “deeply over …”, are very different from our own 18-year-olds, sometimes wondering: is it really me in this photo? How easy it was then for us to go up to an unfamiliar girl on the street and take her phone …. It was not scary to hear a refusal. Just think – over there, after a couple of meters, another pretty one is walking. And now…

Как встретить любовь и создать отношения, когда за плечами уже половина жизни? И что изменилось в нас?

Mismatch of needs

“In youth, it is completely natural to look for a partner, fall in love, lose your head. This is the time when a person is looking for a suitable mate. Hormones play, blood boils. Meeting a young kissing couple on the street is a common thing. Building relationships is even a natural task. In adulthood, the goals seem to be completely different: to build a house, find out news about the first job from children, find time for their own interests, go to the bathhouse, read a book. Instead of wandering around the clubs and not looking on Tinder for someone to go on a date with. It is more difficult for adults to admit to themselves that they also need love, passion, flirting,” explains clinical psychologist Irina Gross.

Let’s add here the fear of being sexually unattractive: well, let’s be honest – did everyone manage to keep the figure in its original youthful form to gray hair?

“And doubts begin to creep in: yes, I’m already old! Who needs me when there are so many young “not attached”! And the terrifying pictures of lonely old age begin to spin before your eyes like a carousel.

Requirements for a partner

“When we are young, we usually expect princes and princesses. It seems to us that the whole fate depends on what the partner will be like. Therefore, we want and demand a lot from the elect. In maturity, illusions are destroyed, we understand that life is like this, no prince will save you from pits, sharp turns, everyday life and other not the most joyful and simple aspects of life, ”continues the psychologist.

And we’re lowering the bar. Not in order to get “at least a tuft of wool”, but because wisdom is a bonus of age. We understand, having stuffed bumps, that there is a basic equipment that is needed in the first place, the rest is optional tuning. Let him be a good person, let him care, and the rest is not so important. Or something else, but the main thing, the key one, is such that the foundation is stronger.

External image

“In youth, a lot of energy goes into throwing “star dust” into the eyes, trying to be that very prince or princess. We try very hard to be perfect. In adulthood, this is not necessary: ​​a person appreciates what he loves and knows that he cannot stand it, understands his strengths and weaknesses. His personality is formed, and it is unlikely that the basic character traits will change. It is no longer necessary to waste energy on maintaining illusions, ”says the psychologist.

We understand with age that older people pay attention to some other things.

Partner remake

“When we are young, it seems to us that for our sake the partner will definitely change. Give up bad habits, go to the gym, earn money, find an interesting hobby. In adulthood, it is clear that a person has already formed. It is unlikely that he will change his habits and character. If you met a grumbler, then he most likely will be like that. If you met a “healthy lifestyle”, then you will have to get used to getting up at six in the morning, exercising and a contrast shower.

Experience and baggage

“The young do not yet have any serious experience, which means that young people have not had time to get hurt in a relationship, it is easier for them to trust and open up, they still believe in a fairy tale. In adulthood, most likely, the heart is already scarred, broken, and then pieced together. You will think ten times before approaching others. You don’t just “get a dog”, you know that a whole complex system is hidden under the skin of this “dog”. The “dog” has a heart, kidneys, and lungs. And all this can get sick, all this needs to be treated. With experience, lightness is lost and the burden of responsibility comes.

Mature “boys and girls” often have children from a previous marriage, and with them all relatives – ex-wives, husbands, mothers-in-law, brothers and sisters. And how will my son perceive a new boyfriend? And how will the ex-wife react to the new girlfriend? And what will Princess Marya Alekseevna say tomorrow? When we are young, we care little about gossip and idle talk. But now the “baggage” from the past complicates the new relationship.

Fatigue and hardness

“The search for love is an exciting activity, but if the result is not too happy, then the search begins to tire. I no longer want to get to know someone, to recognize someone, to waste time, effort. Disappointment knocks the ground out from under your feet. It is better to meet with friends – they will definitely understand. In addition, with age, we do not become softer and more flexible. It is becoming more and more difficult for us to adapt to another person, move up and give space to another. The advice or wishes of a partner often begin to take on the form of “claims” and are perceived as an encroachment on freedom.

Emotions

“In the young, passions boil, feelings fly. Youngsters tell each other literally everything, share secrets and worries, everything to the smallest detail. In adulthood, partners like to pretend to be “conscious and self-sufficient”, believing that asking unnecessary questions and sharing doubts is stupid and embarrassing, they often hush up and think it out.”

What to do?

And yet: how can the “adult generation” arrange their personal lives? You need to make some confessions to yourself, recommends Irina Gross.

• You need intimacy, love, understanding and care.
• Every person has the right to make mistakes. The experience gained has brought pain and disappointment, but this will not always be the case. Sometimes old suitcases need to be left in a storage room, littered with mezzanines to disassemble and get rid of “trash”.
• Relationships are risky at any age. This is true, otherwise there would be no unhappy and lonely among the young.
• Everyone has a chance to spend old age alone. That is life. Many are so worried, it seems to them that the bells are already ringing, that it will be too late, so they need to urgently look for a partner. Such obsession only complicates the situation.
• The accumulated experience can be put to good use. At your age, you already know how to cooperate and negotiate. Sometimes you are able to restrain yourself and remain silent. You know what makes you beautiful and why you can be loved. And this is your resource.