How to feel the joy of motherhood

The attitude of modern women to motherhood is influenced by several serious circumstances. These are signs of our time, but our mothers and grandmothers would be very surprised to learn about them, because in their youth everything was completely different. What exactly has changed?

1. In the first place – the relationship in a couple

In the old days, young people created a family in order to have children. And above all, they cared about creating conditions for the appearance of a child. The rest (relationships, feelings) was secondary – “endure, fall in love.” Now partnerships come first in the family.

Young people seem to be facing each other. And least of all they perceive themselves as future parents. They are concerned with building relationships that would satisfy them. But when children are born, the situation changes. A man and a woman should, already as parents, unite around the child and do something together for him. This is where problems arise.

It turns out that young people were not prepared for this. They saw in the child a derivative of their relationship, an attribute that would add something to their lives. A newborn child is not able to add something to them. He is now the center, the navel of the earth, his needs must be satisfied. So there is a clash of interests between adults and the child.

2. Lack of interest in the child

In most cases, caring for a baby (if the mother does not have postpartum depression, for example) is feasible work. If you adapt to this activity, alternate business and leisure, then you can cope with the tasks … Provided that the child is interesting to parents in itself. Agree, if you do what you like every day, which gives you a lot of positive emotions, then caring for a child does not turn into a “Groundhog Day”.

From any interaction with the baby, changing clothes, bathing, feeding, mom can get a lot of pleasure. These positive emotions are provided by nature itself (watch the animals, how they care for their cubs). But some parents, perceiving these actions and even communication with the child as a burden, routine, duty, lose this feeling of joy and pleasure. In this case, burnout occurs much more often.

3. There is no one to share the care of the child with.

The realities of our life are such that there are fewer and fewer people next to young parents who could take on part of the daily care of the baby, allowing the mother to switch, rest, and sleep. In the old days, the family had the distribution of care for the child between family members, and the mother had the opportunity to change activities and time for herself (at least for going to church).

When a woman is left alone with a child and at the same time has time to cook and run the household, her world narrows, she feels a lot of stress.

How, given these risks, to prepare yourself for the birth of a child?

Consider care regimen and strategies

Try to imagine and plan how your life will be after the birth of a child. There is such a thing as psychological readiness for parenthood. It includes not only the desire to become a father or mother, but also intellectual readiness. A young person needs a certain set of information, an understanding of what needs to be done, and the ability to independently acquire the missing skills.

This knowledge, thoughtful care strategies and skills will help you not drown in confusion and anxiety after childbirth, as well as quickly adapt to the situation. After all, the first two months for a baby is the most important time when he should receive maximum warmth, affection, and tactile contact from his parents. Lack of positive emotions on the part of an adult can cause emotional deprivation.

In addition, a well-thought-out order, a rhythm of life, to which he will be able to adapt, is useful. The mode is also useful for parents, it allows you to distribute the load so that there is time for yourself.

Make sure there are other adults around as well. If it is impossible to agree on support with your own grandparents, look for hired helpers. Are you worried that the baby will become attached to a stranger more than to you? In principle, if a mother can spend at least two-thirds of the time with her child when he is awake, this is quite enough for the formation of attachment. In addition, attachment to several close people makes it easier for the child to further socialization and adaptation.

• Deal with attitudes and expectations

In addition to accepting the fact that life will definitely change with the birth of a child, it is worth listening to yourself: with what feeling do you expect him to appear? If you do not have any anticipation of the joy of communicating with him, it is important to figure it out as soon as possible: what is a child for us, what kind of attitudes can prevent you from feeling pleasure?

Fear of not coping, not being the perfect mother for him? Failing to live up to other people’s expectations? If so, ask yourself: “I am a mother to whom? If I am a mother to all those who created this ideal image, then, probably, I want to correspond to their desires, and the child has nothing to do with it at all. In fact, I am a mother to a child. And whoever thinks about this topic is not my business. Because a good mother is one who fits her child well.

In our language, an inaccurate translation of the famous phrase of the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott “Good enough mother” has taken root: it is interpreted as “a good enough mother.” Actually good enough is an idiom that means “appropriate”, “well suited” to someone. “Good enough mom” is a mom who is a good fit for her child.

Who can know? Only a child. We focus only on his feedback. A child, at least for the first one and a half to two years of life, is never capricious at all. He simply expresses his needs and his states. And our task is to understand, feel, experiment, checking by his behavior, facial expression, muscle tension, whether what you offer suits him. This search for mutual understanding is incredibly interesting in itself! It can also be fun.

And finally, one more tip. Each of us was once a child. It will be easier for you to get used to the role of a parent if you imagine that this is what you were born now. It is you who are now expecting that you will be taken care of, something will happen around you. What kind of response, what kind of attitude from the outside world do you expect? At least for a second, imagine that the one who cares for you does not get any pleasure from this at all, but regards it only as a routine duty. What will you feel?

It is from this position that it is worth addressing the child.