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If you suffer from depression, it is important to tell those close to you about it, especially your partner. But how to do this if the relationship started recently? How to choose the right moment?
Many people still don’t really understand what depression is. It manifests itself in each in its own way, but usually patients lose interest in past hobbies, constantly feel longing and hopelessness. They have so little energy that even the simplest actions seem difficult. Often there are problems with sleep: either insomnia, or, conversely, excessive sleepiness – and some have outbursts of rage, there is constant discontent and irritability. It can be scary to explain this to a person you recently met: it is not clear how he will react.
Christina first fell into depression after getting married and moving to a new city. It was not easy even for her to explain to her husband what was happening to her, but before the wedding they had known each other for several years. Nevertheless, she is sure that it is important to tell loved ones as soon as you feel that you are ready for it.
“If your partner has never suffered from depression, you will have to explain to him what it is, how you feel, how you perceive the world now. This disorder is incomprehensible to the “outside observer”, but the help of others is important, so do not neglect it, ”says Christina. Here is what psychotherapists say about such a dialogue.
Why is it difficult to talk about your condition?
One in six people experience depression at some point in their lives. So, you or someone from your relatives or acquaintances probably had to go through this. Nevertheless, a common mental disorder is still surrounded by a mass of negative stereotypes.
Atlanta-based clinical psychologist Zainab Delavalla reminds us that we are not to blame for disease, either physical or mental. “Many mistakenly believe that depression is a sign of weakness of character. But you are not to blame for it in the same way that you are not to blame, for example, for being prone to seasonal allergies. But we are much more ashamed of mental disorders than physical ones, and this leads to self-isolation and deep feelings that are invisible to others.
“Perfect Moment”
Of course, there is no universal answer: in some couples, it will be appropriate to start a conversation about this 6 weeks after they met, in others – after 6 months. Do this when you feel ready.
“Many people think that this is the perfect moment to talk about psychological difficulties. In fact, it is enough to realize that you trust a person and are ready to open up to him. There are no set deadlines, and you are not required to start a conversation about it if you are not yet mature or feel confident in a new acquaintance, ”says Chicago psychotherapist Anna Poss.
If you have known each other for a long time, it is quite possible that you will be able to discuss the topic on the third date.
What matters is how well you get to know your partner. Did you meet two weeks ago via Tinder, or did you know each other long before you started dating, such as being friends or co-workers? “If you have known each other for a long time, it is quite possible that you will be able to discuss this topic on the third date. But it’s unlikely that you will start talking about it so early if you met in a bar a couple of weeks ago, ”Delavalla said.
How to understand that the time has come
There is no ideal moment for a conversation, but psychologists believe that you can focus on the signs in the behavior of a partner. “Pay attention to how he speaks about others. Do you hear in his words sympathy, maturity of judgment, understanding of other people’s difficulties? This will help you understand how he will react to your story, ”advises Poss.
You can start talking a little about the difficulties that depression brings to you.
Ask yourself if you see a serious future in your relationship. How close have you been? Did you tell each other about something very personal – about your oddities and eccentricities, embarrassing stories from your childhood, problems with friends?
“If you feel comfortable telling your new partner about your huge comic book collection or your obsessive need to keep your bathroom shelf in perfect order, you can start to talk a little about the difficulties that depression brings to you,” Delavalla advises. “For example, about the fact that you have insomnia and you often watch TV shows all day long, or about communication problems that have made you almost a recluse.”
When to delay
If you notice that the new partner speaks tactlessly about other people’s problems, for example, sharply condemns people suffering from alcoholism, it may not be worth it yet (or at all) to tell him about your difficulties. “You should think twice before opening your heart to a person who laughs evilly at other people’s problems, does not know how to sympathize, or constantly criticizes others,” warns Poss.
Perhaps the partner is not psychologically ready to listen to or consider deeply personal information.
Remember how your partner reacted when you shared personal details of life. If he pulled away, hurried to change the subject, or spoke disparagingly of you, he may not be emotionally developed enough to talk on “sore” topics. Do you want a serious relationship with such a person?
“As we develop and strengthen our emotional connection, we tend to be very frank about our lives with each other,” Delavalla explains. – If you share with your partner the dream of opening your own bakery, this should in theory encourage him to respond frankly – he can also describe his plans for the future. If you are open about your quirks, ambitions, and weaknesses, and your partner is slow to reveal something about themselves in return, they may not be psychologically ready to listen or consider deeply personal information.”
Where to begin
You don’t have to plan a serious conversation in advance that focuses solely on your mental health to discuss your struggles with depression (although you can do that if you want). “Talking about depression doesn’t have to be ‘official’, making both feel uncomfortable. This is one of the facets of your life, but far from the only one, ”Delavalla believes.
It is best to discuss this topic when both of you are in a good mood and everything is calm in the relationship. “It is better not to start such important conversations in the midst of a quarrel or in a moment of weakness. This will lead to resentment and mutual misunderstanding,” says Poss.
Depression sometimes manifests itself in the form of aggression, including directed at loved ones who love us.
Christina agrees with this. It is much easier to share your experiences when you are mentally and emotionally ready for such a conversation. If this is too hard, you can invite your partner to read about depression on the Internet on their own.
“If you don’t have the strength to explain to him what your mental illness is, give him some links to relevant materials on the Internet,” she advises. Give him a chance to help you. Depression sometimes manifests itself in the form of aggression – including directed at loved ones who love us. If they do not understand that this is a manifestation of the disease, aggression can hurt them. So you need to know what’s really going on.”
Source: Huffington Post.