Contents
“Where was I before I was born?” “Where will we go when we die?” “Is God good or evil?” By answering the metaphysical questions of our child, we pacify his anxieties and help in the search for the meaning of his life.
Basic Ideas
- Knowledge protects. The idea of the structure of the world gives the child a sense of greater security.
- Sincerity helps. An honest conversation about what parents give their views will help shape his personality.
- Tolerance is nurtured. Knowing that views vary, children will grow up to be more tolerant.
We live in a secular society where religion no longer plays the dominant role that it played in the lives of our ancestors. Modern man does not think about the divine too often, considering matters of faith rather as a private matter for everyone, or simply not attaching much importance to them. And so often we are not ready to talk about this topic with our children. “Last year, after seeing a Christmas service on TV, my daughter demanded to be taken to church,” says Oleg, the father of seven-year-old Ksyusha. – She began to run, call around, as in a forest, look into all corners. Then Ksyusha said that she was looking for God. I tried my best to explain to her that it cannot be seen with the eyes, but I am afraid she did not understand me.
Faced with such difficulties, many of us do not touch this difficult topic in conversations with a child in the hope that with age he will figure everything out on his own. However, by omitting the issues of faith and the structure of the universe, we deprive our children of the opportunity to acquire cultural and spiritual experience. “When it comes to religious education, parents need to equip the child with knowledge that will prepare him for the perception of our world and draw attention to the diversity of human opinions and beliefs,” says French psychoanalyst Malek Chebel (Malek Chebel). – Only in this way will he be able to get acquainted with different views on the world, norms of morality and behavior. This will be useful to him in the future, because it is always useful to look at such things in a new way, openly and without prejudice.
Knowledge and protection
Understanding the cultural foundations of various religions is important for the harmonious and holistic formation of the human personality. “Whether you are an atheist, agnostic, Orthodox, Jew or Muslim, children should definitely be introduced to the religious heritage, because it refers to the basic knowledge accumulated by mankind throughout its centuries-old history,” art historian Alexei Zhukov believes. – Architectural monuments and holidays marked on the calendar, music and literature, fine arts and history – the space surrounding modern children is literally saturated with religious symbols. Without giving the child the keys to understanding them, we doom him not only to aesthetic deafness, but also to an inadequate perception of the world in which he will live.
However, the need to master the cultural codes common to all people is not the only reason to introduce your child to the religious vision of the world and tell him about God. “The child keenly feels the uncertainty of the future, the vastness of the Universe and his own defenselessness before its powerful forces. That is why mystical ideas are very close to children, says Gestalt therapist Maria Andreeva. – They meet their inner need to feel under the care of a wise and reliable power. And, even if you yourself do not start a conversation with your son or daughter about the “other world”, they will fantasize about it, dream or be afraid.”
Such an interest does not mean that the child lacks parental protection in everyday life (although this is possible), but rather, he simply begins to realize that there are forces in the world that are not subject even to his father or mother, and tries to enlist even more reliable patronage. “Perhaps a five-year-old kid will not be able to remember all the details,” Maria Andreeva continues, “but the very idea of the existence of God is easier for him to perceive than it seems to adults, it is based on the need for security that he now understands is one of the main inherent in any living being. . By talking to children about these topics, we allow them to feel more confident and secure.”
If Parents Are Believers
When a child grows up in a religious family, this does not mean that issues related to faith will be automatically resolved for him.
“Talk to your children about God in the traditions of your religion, explain to them the meaning of the rituals that you expect them to observe,” Kateryna Khmelnitskaya advises. “The mechanical repetition of prayers and rituals suppresses the child’s creativity, a keen interest in life and prevents him from growing up.” When raising a child in a religious way, parents should exercise certain caution. Maria Andreeva warns: “It is very easy to turn God into a kind of “policeman” that some parents use to scare children. To avoid this, do not forget to emphasize the all-forgiving nature of the Creator, his love for people and unlimited patience. Emphasize to the children that many things have to be done on their own and that in the end their life path depends only on themselves.
Read more:
- Mahatma Gandhi on Religion
To tell your opinion
The main reasons that prevent parents from speaking frankly with their children about faith are the unwillingness to impose their beliefs and doubts on them, and sometimes a banal lack of knowledge. “In our family, there was practically no mention of God,” says 38-year-old Zoya. – I myself can not call myself an unconditional atheist, but I also do not adhere to any particular faith. And besides, I just do not have enough education in this area. Therefore, when my son talks to me about “divine” topics, I evade answers or try to slip him some good children’s book. Of course, in a conversation about such important things as faith, categoricalness and intolerance are out of place. However, hiding your own opinion (or lack of it) is far from the best way out, especially since the child will still feel false. “Children understand much more than we say in words,” says Maria Andreeva. “No matter how hard we try to maintain impartiality, they will still feel our uncertainty and the degree of freedom that we are ready to give them in the field of spiritual search.”
By withholding from children their own view of matters of faith, parents can not only reduce their sense of security and inner comfort, but also create an obstacle to the development of the child’s personality. “Only coercion to believe or not believe in something can negatively affect a child, but not an open conversation about your views,” says family therapist Katerina Khmelnitskaya. – Tell him what you yourself believe in, and explain what this faith gives you in life (after all, atheism is not unbelief, but the belief that God does not exist). If you don’t know the answer to a question that’s been asked, be honest about it and offer to read and think about it together—not only will you meet the children’s need for a stable picture of the world, but you will also build intimacy and trust with the child.”
Awareness of one’s own – through parents and family – belonging to a particular belief system imposes certain restrictions on children, but there is nothing to worry about. “By limiting oneself in certain areas (for example, in eating certain foods), in return the child gets a sense of belonging not only to his relatives, but also to a huge community of people who share the same beliefs,” believes Maria Andreeva. “Parents must certainly explain to the child that there are no “bad” and “good” religions and that the choice of a particular confession or a conscious rejection of religion is determined by the views of the person himself and the traditions of his family, and not by the shortcomings of other points of view.”
Stages of awareness
“When starting a conversation on metaphysical topics, it is worth considering the unique features of perception inherent in each age,” advises gestalt therapist Maria Andreeva.
- 4-5 years The child is very responsive and sensitive to mystical ideas. He easily understands and accepts the very idea of the existence of God, because it is based on a need for security that is understandable to him. The child’s interest in a religious topic is of a substantive nature: he wants to understand who God is and what the fact of the existence of God means for him personally.
- 5-7 years He is concerned about more difficult questions: “Where will I go when I die?”, “What is the soul?” etc. Children are no longer just able to believe in the existence of intangible and invisible abstractions, but also directly imagine them.
- 7-11 years He can understand the semantic and ethical content of rituals and religious norms. And most importantly, to distinguish them from social imperatives: the child begins to realize how the commandment “thou shalt not kill” differs from the mother’s “fight is not good.”
- 12-15 years His cognitive abilities develop to the level of an adult. A teenager begins to fully realize the spiritual content that is the essence of any religion.
Boris Falikov
Right tone, right moment
Speaking with your child about faith, it is worth considering the specific features of children’s perception. “First of all, the conversation should be in a language he understands,” advises Maria Andreeva. – All religious ideas are abstract, they can be imagined, but not touched. That is why it is very important that our explanations are based on the words and experience of everyday life, for example: “The Creator takes care of us, he is sad and laughs with us.” An important task is to choose the exact intonation and the right time for the conversation. “The main thing is that your conversation with the child should be confidential and take place, as they say, by mutual inspiration,” says Kateryna Khmelnitskaya. – If you are going to share your thoughts on this delicate topic with your son or daughter, and he (a) at this moment wants to play or watch cartoons, the conversation is unlikely to succeed. If the child himself asks a “leading” question, use it as an occasion for further conversation. It is important not to refuse children if they themselves ask to talk about what worries them, such as whether we will all die and where we will go after death. If you are taken by surprise, be honest: I cannot discuss this issue with you now, but we will definitely return to it. And do not postpone the conversation indefinitely!
Some people tend to talk about religion with feeling, others prefer a detached intonation, and in any case we will be worried about what the child learned from our conversation. “You should not artificially create an atmosphere of mystery, speak with pathos, or, conversely, try to get by with impersonal sentences – the child will immediately feel your insecurity or awkwardness,” advises Kateryna Khmelnitskaya. Be yourself, talk to your child as an equal. As for the questions on “mastering the material”, then try to ask: “What do you think about this?” If the place, time and tone were chosen correctly, you will see: the child himself, in his own words, will tell you more than you managed to tell him “.
Consider cultural context
“We have one grandmother who is a Catholic, a grandfather is a Muslim, my wife is a Pentecostal, and I myself am a staunch atheist,” says 42-year-old Georgy, father of twins Anya and Serezha. – We decided that the best way to give children an idea of religion is to read them the myths of different peoples. The children listen to stories about Moses or the exploits of Rama with the same pleasure as the fairy tale about the Snow Queen. I think they will be able to orient themselves in the sphere of religion and form their own opinion.” In a family whose members do not belong to a single confession or are not very competent in matters of faith, it is easiest to introduce the child to the basics of the religious perception of the world through cultural monuments.
A trip to a museum, a walk, or watching a TV show together can be a starting point for a conversation about how the world works. As they grow up, children will be able to rethink the information received in a new way and, on its basis, form their own attitude towards religious views. A well-known Buddhist parable also speaks of this: “Do you remember,” one monk asks another, “in the days of our youth, the late abbot read his sermons so quietly that we could not hear them? So, I just now managed to make out his whisper.
Arguments
What and how to say? We asked this question to the representatives of the leading confessions.
Father George Kochetkov, Orthodox priest“When a son or daughter asks you about God, don’t get into theological discussions. I advise my flock to talk in this way: “God is the one who always, under all circumstances, loves us, and therefore we want to love him too. Yes, you can’t see it, but you can’t see the wind either, you can only feel it. Try to blow and you will feel the air moving. So is the divine spirit: you don’t see it, but you feel it.” The child will have new difficult questions. For example, why do other nations have different gods? It seems to me that it is important to emphasize here that God is one, but people can comprehend him in different ways. Naive children’s questions will help you better understand your faith. So both children and parents will benefit from such conversations.”
His Holiness the XNUMXth Dalai Lama“A small child needs time to grow up and become an adult. This cannot happen overnight. Similarly, it takes time for the transformation of consciousness. When it comes to spiritual practice, we cannot instantly instill certain positive qualities in a person and instantly transform his consciousness. This takes time. It is very important to think carefully before referring yourself to one or another spiritual tradition. But if you have already made a choice, then you need to stick to it in the future. You should not turn into a person who now and then tries dishes in various restaurants, but still cannot decide where to dine. Be careful in choosing a religious practice, but then follow it with all your heart and try to pass this attitude to faith to your children.
Catholic theologian Alexei Yudin, member of the Pontifical Council for the Laity“I propose to start this important conversation with a capacious and deep image: “You have a father, your father’s father is your grandfather, and God is our universal father. And he loves all his earthly children equally. Even if they are naughty. But you won’t be naughty if you don’t want to upset someone who loves you?’ Such a beginning is quite suitable for children from non-religious families. A father for a child is the most powerful being, at the same time loving and demanding. The image of God – the father of all the living does not impose faith, but gives reason for reflection. The child will draw his own conclusions. I advise parents to read Mikhail Dymov’s book “Children write to God” (see “About this”). Second-grader Igor writes: “There are so many troubles and sufferings on earth that people don’t feel sorry for dying?” Think about this question, and maybe you will be able to maintain a “theological conversation” with a child at the proper level, but without academic dryness.
Imam Shamil Alyautdinov, preacher at the Moscow Memorial Mosque on Poklonnaya Hill“Faith in God gives a child, and indeed every person, the much-needed confidence that they love him, support him and lend a helping hand at the right time – just show a little patience and diligence. This is what parents need to talk about in the first place. But it is also necessary to draw the attention of our children to the fact that faith makes us feel the responsibility that lies with us in this life. If you do not remind a growing child that everyone in this world is responsible to his family, to society and, finally, to God, then he can take the path of not wanting to grow up. Parents together with their children will try to dispel doubts, justify their point of view logically and thereby make relations with their children even closer, and at the same time give them a powerful charge of optimism inherent in the religious outlook on the world. After all, as the Prophet Muhammad said, “a believer under any circumstances considers his position to be the best: no matter how hard it is for him, he thanks the Lord.”