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So you are in position. Toxicosis, changes in pressure, heart rate and mood. And the husband grumbles that, they say, the capricious wife has become. How to explain to him that all this is not for nothing? There are detailed instructions.
There are legends about the whims of pregnant women on the Internet. Men vying with each other complain: but mine chased me for strawberries in the middle of the night, in January! And mine was impatient to sniff the sleepers. And herrings with milk. In general, it is bad for them, our unfortunate husbands. They torment them with whims. And if the whims are not fulfilled, then tears come into play – a terrible female weapon. Anyway, this pregnant woman’s tearfulness! ..
We will not argue – there is such a sin for a woman. We are capricious. But for a reason. And in order to explain to men where all our whims and whims come from, we found an excellent instruction on the Internet: how to try on the state of a pregnant wife. Unfortunately, it was not possible to find the author’s name. But if we find one, we will proudly name the name of this wonderful person. And now, in fact, the instruction.
1-3 months
1) Every night, arrange yourself poisoning – for example, drink vodka and beer the day before without a snack.
2) The next morning, get up, have some sleeping pills and go to work. If you feel nauseous, stay home, but please clean up and make dinner.
3) Tie sandbags to your legs – one and a half kilograms.
4) Eat cottage cheese. If you don’t want to – a little bit.
5) Don’t eat it, you can’t. It is too. And this. Better an apple.
6) Quit your cigarette, what are you?
7) Lie down and eat some more yogurt. Wipe up once you vomit. Do not call your wife – she is busy watching TV.
8) Go to the clinic and donate blood from a vein for AIDS and syphilis.
9) Go through a proctologist’s examination three times a month.
3-6 months
1) Tie a mattress with water to the front of the stomach.
2) If you are dressing, do not untie it, and hoop your boots.
3) Sleep with a mattress too. How how? We’ll see how it goes!
4) Do not forget to drink sleeping pills in the morning!
5) And before leaving for work – a liter of water.
6) Drink a liter of water and a diuretic at night.
7) Insert a cotton swab into your nose – so that air passes through, but there would be slight shortness of breath. Wear a cotton swab all the time. Breathe heavily? Air more often – it helps some.
8) Go to the clinic and donate blood from a vein. How to what? For AIDS and syphilis. It doesn’t matter what you’ve already passed.
9) Go through a proctologist’s examination three times a month. Do not untie the mattress.
6-9 months
1) Sit on the swivel chair every morning and twirl for 10 minutes. When the vestibular apparatus finally refuses to cooperate with you, get up and get ready for work. Oh, are you shaking? Sorry, it will pass.
2) Pump up the mattress harder.
3) Drink a diuretic, and at work, drink a glass of water every hour.
4) Try not to leave the workplace too often. Be alert and efficient throughout your work day. If you get it too easy, increase your daily sleeping pill dose.
5) Also increase the weight of the sandbags that you tie to your legs: now let there be 2 kilos each.
6) In the evening, without unbinding the mattress, go to bed and be an amazing lover!
7) If it seems to you that your wife has another man, be condescending. Give your wife more of your time and attention. Imagine, it’s hard for her too!
8) Go to the clinic and donate blood from a vein. How to what? Yes, all for the same – for AIDS and syphilis.
9) Go through a proctologist’s examination three times a month. Of course with a mattress, what’s the question?
In childbirth, the author of the masterpiece (this is not sarcasm or irony!) Suggested not to play. It’s still impossible. “Just visit your friend proctologist for the 20th time and let him insert a pineapple for you… somewhere,” the author advises. – Now breathe deeper. And try to force him out. Did you manage to free yourself? Only after 10 hours? Very good, even fast. Excellent. You can untie your mattress. “