How to establish contact with a teenager if the child does not obey and gets out of hand
Transitional age is not such a terrible thing, if you do not wind yourself up.
“I hate you!” – and the thunder of the slammed door.
When the phrase “transitional age” is used, every mother imagines something like that with horror. Serving the fantasy, he draws before his eyes some kind of tear in the piercing, with pink hair and frightening makeup. And for some reason this tear has the face of your child.
But the devil is not so terrible as he is painted. The transitional age is a child’s attempt to prove to you, an adult, his independence and importance as an individual. And if he does not need to prove anything, then the rebellion will quickly subside. We’ve put together 7 important rules for maintaining peace of mind and a good relationship with your teen.
Many mothers see their baby as part of themselves. And this is partly true, especially in the first years of a baby’s life. But he grows up, and he needs your care and lisping less and less. If you continue to make decisions for the child, plan his daily routine (and the future at the same time), based on his own desires, attributing them to the child, a riot will certainly happen. Decisions will now have to be made together, you will get worse and worse to impose your opinion. If you press hard, he will of course agree. But forget about the contact, there will be no contact.
As soon as the child frowned his forehead, anxious thoughts swarm in his head, each more beautifully: “The Blue Whale” has inherited, at school they offend, two stripes on the test, or even tried drugs. Inquiries begin, and sometimes even demands to remove this sour face from the face. He will take away something, and at the same time he will perfectly learn to hide his true feelings from you. But it was only something that the person became sad. It happens to you too, right? Do not bother the child, just let him cope with his mood.
Modern parents seem to see literally everything as potential psychological trauma for a child, in any event or phenomenon. And, of course, they try to protect the child from these injuries. And it turns out that children live in a kind of sterile environment. And psychological sterility is harmful in the same way as physical sterility: the body does not learn to develop immunity, the person does not learn to overcome stress and cope with difficulties.
To have authority in the eyes of a teenager, you need to be able to do something better than him. And it’s not about the virtuoso baking of pies and not about the pumped-over skill of washing the floor and dishes. Although if it brings you money and satisfaction, then please. Psychologists say that parents who are seriously keen on work or hobbies are able to become a real authority in the eyes of a child, to interest him. And if you have not achieved anything, do not enjoy the respect of colleagues, do not develop, have not been able to realize yourself anywhere except in the kitchen, and all your hobbies are the sofa and the TV, then attempts to teach your child will quickly end in contemptuous snorting and scandal.
Precisely to listen, not to hear. When a teenager enthusiastically talks about the first impressions of the school year, the biggest mistake is to give in response something like “Did you buy bread?”. It is immediately clear how much you really are interested in the life of a teenager. Of course, listening to monologues about weird classmates and teachers can be very boring. But here it is worth thinking about this: the child shares his life with you. This means that he still trusts and you still have contact. Don’t destroy it.
The same goes for speaking skills. Try to gradually part with the position when you address the child from above, from the position of the main and experienced. You, of course, are in charge, you, of course, have more experience. But there is no need to broadcast from above. This manner of communication will only cause rejection, and this is the classic: “Yes, what would they understand, these adults.”
In any conflict, the child should know that you will support him. Let it be troubles at school, where the child seems to be obviously to blame, or problems with the section and peers: you are not on the side of the teacher or the parent of the offended child. You are always on the side of your son or daughter. At home, without witnesses, you can quite make out the conflict and find out that the child was really wrong somewhere, and how he should have acted. But it is not necessary to openly take the side of the opponent and “run into” your child with him.
In your life there will still be doors slammed shut and words thrown in your hearts. It is rare for a teenager to do without rebellion, even a weak one. And no matter how hard you try to establish contact, it will not work out quickly. Especially if you have had disagreements before. All these surges just need to be experienced. And preferably keeping calm. Leave the accusations of ingratitude, shouts and reproaches for the heroes of soap operas.