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If you want to end the relationship and understand that your intentions will clearly not please your partner, it is difficult to decide on a conversation. Men are especially difficult. Our hero went through a breakup and shares his experience of resolving a painful situation. His conclusions are commented by an expert.
“I was afraid to turn the breakup conversation into a new conflict”
Oleg, 31 years old
Despite frequent quarrels, my girlfriend was sure that we would still be together. However, there were too many discrepancies in views and values between us that cannot be ironed out — conflicts were inevitable. But I don’t want to pretend and play along, there are limits to any compromises.
When I realized that our relationship had no future, I did not dare to talk for a long time. He could not admit it, knowing how it would hurt her, destroy her hopes. Saying goodbye via SMS or simply disappearing is the most disgusting thing you can do … But sometimes I cowardly thought how this option would immediately remove all problems.
When we finally met, it was not difficult for me to say a phrase about parting. But I tried to talk about it as calmly and confidently as possible. I understood: if she catches doubt in my voice, she will cling to hope, convince me that not all is lost.
It’s hard, you feel like a scoundrel, but you have to endure. It is important to somehow explain the reason for your departure.
If I hadn’t done this, she herself would have been looking for an explanation, suspected of treason, followed me on social networks, tormented me with questions from mutual friends, and our parting would have remained incomplete.
I did not begin to tell her about what I could not agree with in her behavior. I was afraid to turn the conversation into a new conflict. Instead, he decided to support her self-esteem as much as possible and took much of the blame on himself. He said that he was probably not ready to build a serious relationship and the responsibility that they imply. He put pressure on the fact that right now I need to feel as free and independent as possible, to concentrate on a new working project that will lead to the creation of my own business. This was partly true, but the main task was still not to blame her.
The reaction from the girl was stormy, with tears. We agreed to meet in a few days.
That evening, she was already calmer and more confident and tried to reconcile with me through sex.
And then I made a fatal mistake — I succumbed to this temptation. It seemed to me that if everything was decided between us, this episode would not change anything. However, for her, it was a sign that the relationship was continuing. Even formally agreeing that we are not together, she continued to write to me as if nothing had happened.
In vain I spent the night with her and accepted her offer to remain friends. Once they decided to leave, it was necessary to stop communicating. Perhaps someone manages to remain on friendly terms, but this is not our case. I knew perfectly well that my girlfriend was used to breaking all ties categorically: this was how she developed in relation to her friends and colleagues. And I understood that she communicates with me only because deep down she is sure that she will be able to return me.
In the end, I insisted on a complete break. And it was the right decision.
Problems begin when the initiator of the breakup wants to remain «good»
Anna Sinitsyna, gestalt therapist
A breakup can only be truly completed when the partners have discussed their differences, acknowledged them and made sure that they are incompatible. When both see their own responsibility for the fact that a common future is impossible. This is how we keep memories of the good things that happened, even if we are no longer together.
In the history of the hero, I do not see this. For some reason, the relationship does not suit him, and this is normal. Openly acknowledging this would be the most honest, conscious way to leave. Trying to take the blame on yourself looks more like a way to avoid a sincere conversation and responsibility for your decision. And also as unwillingness to meet with the emotions of another.
In an effort to protect the feelings of the girl, the hero, on the contrary, gives her hope for the continuation of the relationship, only prolonging the torment
Problems begin when the initiator of the breakup wants to remain «good.» And this naturally leads to the fact that the other side does not understand what is really happening, trying to do something to return a loved one.
It is possible to remain friends if partners are open and recognize their importance to each other. Unfortunately, in the history of our hero this is not. He is not ready to tell the truth, and then the only way not to give a partner hope is to really end the relationship.