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“If it seems to you that you need to change something, then it doesn’t seem to you” — the Internet puts one of the most popular motivational phrases in different ways, but how to understand what exactly needs to be changed, how quickly, and most importantly, for what?
Turning, critical stages of our life… Whatever they are, unexpected or purposeful, unpleasant or, on the contrary, positive, any changes are stressful. They confront us with a choice, we sometimes have to make difficult decisions — and take responsibility for them.
“My husband got a job in another city,” says 35-year-old Svetlana. — Now we have to decide whether to move there with the children or stay in the old place. I have no idea how to make this choice!”
Sometimes change helps to get out of the comfort zone and lead to development, but are we all ready for this?
We need it?
Health, work, personal life, education, interests — changes affect different aspects of life. Sometimes they are pushed by an external situation. Many people come across the thought one day: we don’t like to live the way we used to. But we do not always immediately understand what exactly needs to be done.
“Some feel the need for change at the slightest discomfort, others endure for a long time, turning a blind eye to inconvenience,” says family psychologist Olesya Shuvalova. “It depends on many factors: family scenarios (for example, if everyone in the family is used to enduring and putting up with inconvenience), self-esteem and beliefs.”
But how do you know what really needs to change?
“When the same type of negative events occur in life,” answers cognitive-behavioral therapist Peter Galigabarov. — For example, you come to work in different companies, but every time something does not stick with management and colleagues. Or choose romantic partners, most of whom, after the candy-bouquet period, begin to cheat or drink alcohol.
By changing the way of thinking, says Peter Galigabarov, and after that, emotions and behavior, we can start from scratch and become happier. Hurry up!..
The main thing is stability
Change happens at different speeds. There are those that require deep work on yourself — they are likely to be smooth and gradual. But not necessarily. Sometimes the preparation processes are hidden from us and it seems that everything has changed in the blink of an eye.
Petr Galigabarov adds that in psychotherapy the speed of change depends on the strength of the therapeutic alliance between the specialist and the client and on the motivation of the latter. Indeed, we often resist change — even those that we sincerely desire! The explanation for this paradox is that the psyche strives for stability, and we are afraid of the unknown.
“Changes can be frightening with novelty,” agrees Olesya Shuvalova, “because where we are now, everything is painfully familiar. The psyche knows exactly how to deal with familiar inconveniences: in familiar territory, psychological defense methods work automatically. What if there, where nothing has been explored yet, is dangerous? For example, new relationships — you need to get to know each other, negotiate, interact, open up, but what if it doesn’t work out? Or a new job — to get acquainted with the team, to delve into new responsibilities, to study the requirements of the leadership.
And even if we don’t realize it, some part of us would rather stay where we were before and do things the old way.
Hence the internal resistance. Which must be overcome — or negotiated with — if we are determined to start a new life. You can buy a dress — and this does not mean that the old dress will have to be thrown away. But with changes in life, everything is different: the new means the rejection of the former. And there may be something pleasant or comfortable in it, although we are not always ready to admit it.
“I was twenty, I wanted to get married, but when I received an offer, I delayed with an answer,” recalls 34-year-old Vera, “because I knew how upset my mother would be when she heard that we would live separately. But I did not understand that I was afraid not only of my mother’s insults, but also of the fact that I myself could not cope. Mom always did everything around the house, I didn’t know how to do anything. Faith took several months to make up her mind.
“In such cases, you need to carefully weigh what you gain as a result of changes, and what you refuse,” says Olesya Shuvalova. “And give yourself time to realize that change is always growth, albeit painful in places.”
Through the thorns
Unexpected changes often make us feel helpless and weak. Although the events themselves are neutral: it is we who evaluate them as good or bad. Even what at first seems like a drama can lead to a positive result.
“I worked in management, but one day I was quickly and rudely laid off,” says 37-year-old Valentina, “no one responded to the sent resumes, in addition, I fell ill. It seemed that fate was on me. But I stubbornly treated and tried not to lose heart. And then she changed her profession, graduated from nursing courses. Now I have my own clientele, and I would not want to go back to my old job.
By overcoming situations that seem hopeless, we gain confidence in our strengths and get reasons for self-respect.
But this applies to those changes that we make ourselves. Another thing is when we want everything to be different, but we believe that someone else should change. We can find numerous examples of this in families where there are addicts: alcoholics, gamers, and so on.
“In such unions, co-dependent relationships are usually formed,” explains Peter Galigabarov. — Wife, husband, children and other relatives are trying to change the addict, for example, a drunkard is taken to narcologists and psychologists, coded. Suppose the patient is aware of his condition, makes a decision and quits.
And what about his relatives and friends, accustomed to living according to certain patterns? They become uncomfortable. The new situation requires them to have a different way of thinking, emotions, behavior, and suddenly it turns out that they are not ready for this. And this becomes an obstacle to sobering up an alcoholic, to getting rid of addiction.
For transformations to be successful, we must start them ourselves — with ourselves. That does not exclude the appeal to others, near and far, for support.
Progress engine
Watching the success of others, we think: maybe it’s time to lose 10 kg, learn Chinese, open your own business, become a mountaineer … But this is not enough to move to action.
“If everything suits you in life, then there will be no motivation to make efforts for the sake of transformation,” says Petr Galigabarov. — Alien goals will remain alien. Another thing is when we strive for greater self-acceptance and self-realization — in this case, energy appears that helps to change not only ourselves, but also the world around.
But what if there is someone in particular who we really want to like?
“If you decide to prove something to your parents or partner, this can bring a good result, but it is unlikely that he will please you,” Olesya Shuvalova is sure. “It’s their dreams and aspirations, not yours.”
According to the family psychologist, if it is worth changing your life, then first of all for the sake of yourself. Then the changes achieved will give a feeling of confidence, happiness, inner support, self-sufficiency — and from such a state we are more harmonious in relationships and more successful in our careers.
Reconcile and act
However, there are things that we are powerless to influence: the passage of time, weather, temperament and other innate characteristics, aging, death, once made choice and our past. But we can change our attitude towards them.
“Forgiving yourself for mistakes, recognizing yourself as part of nature, obeying its laws, is much more environmentally friendly and efficient than wasting strength and energy, tormenting yourself for mistakes that have happened or fighting windmills,” Olesya Shuvalova is sure.
It will be easier to maintain our mental and physical balance if we clearly understand what is in our zone of control and influence and what is not.
“Change is the only thing that is constant in life,” emphasizes Peter Galigabarov. “And the sooner we understand this fact, the easier it will be to endure the frustration caused by the discrepancy between the desired and the actual. And if we are talking about unplanned external events, then it is better to respond to them with acceptance.
This means not denying your feelings (and sometimes it is annoyance, anger or sadness), but also not supporting them artificially: allowing them to be replaced by others. Try to look at the situation from different angles and notice new opportunities and points of growth. Remember what our area of responsibility extends to: our own thoughts and emotions, behavior, gratitude, words. Accept what we cannot change. And start taking action.