Our hero is known as a pioneer of practical psychology for the Russian audience. Doctor of Psychology, Professor Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov has been running the oldest training center in Russia «Sinton» for more than 30 years, together with his students he runs the most popular portal about psychology in Runet «Psychologos», is the rector of the University of Practical Psychology, writes books for millions of readers. He recently released a new product, Simple Proper Childhood, a guide for smart and strong parents. The material for her, among other things, was her own rich experience, because Nikolai Ivanovich is the father of five children. Without offering simple solutions, he leads his readers to the impressive results of the most important work in the world — parenting.
You are an experienced psychologist. Both the older generation and the children of the new Russia come to you for a consultation. Who is educated in modern Moscow schools?
— I can’t talk about schools in general, but about cool ones — completely! I myself went to a good school, and my children graduated from wonderful schools. In those years when I was a schoolboy, among the best were guys with a developed sphere of values. The children knew what to live for, had ideals, they understood that life is not just about eating, dressing, “starring”. We had a theater at school, we read a lot, we were proud that we know poetry and literature. We respected developed people, we wanted to reach their level. Now there is more pathos, more cool, more games, entertainment, brightness. Nevertheless, even now there are superbly educated children who have everything in order with their heads and values. To talk about what students were before and what are now … is it necessary? It is important for normal parents what kind of children surround their child in this particular school, and if desired, this can be taken under control, changed, done.
— Many parents complain that the atmosphere in the classroom is difficult to change …
—Leaders create the atmosphere. They say: the class is not the same. And you make that class! We decided that our daughters would go to a school not in our area. My wife came there and asked: “Is it possible for my girls to study here?”. She was answered: “Please work as a teacher in the preparatory group for a year, we will take them.” She agreed, got down to business, and after that she met the children, all the children recognized her, she was on the parent committee, gained authority. When parents take an active position, are familiar with teachers, with the director, know everyone with whom the children communicate, then they can and will determine the microclimate of the class. I came to school with great interest and pleasure, held psychological games and classes there. The kids were cool, unexpectedly. If you teach your children not to follow popular culture, to be leaders, then your values, which I hope your children share, become the values of the class. There are usually wonderful people in the parent committee, and the teachers are usually very good, it’s not easy for them now, they need to be supported so that they understand that their work is appreciated. Get contacts. Take care not only about your child — think about all children. Become a person who is being listened to. And a lot of issues are being resolved. Then a much more fun, understandable, productive work begins.
— It’s nice to admire parents who can help children solve their problems in relationships with peers, this is such a rarity!
— It seems that in the eighth grade my girls went to winter camp, but belatedly. By that time, relations there had already more or less improved, and they did not fall into the hierarchy in a worthy place. My daughter calls me with an upset intonation: “Dad, stupid camp, I don’t like everything … Dad, can I somehow become a leader here?” I say: «Not a question.» In five minutes, he told her the technology, how it’s done. Two days later, he calls again: “Such a cool camp!” I got used to it, made friends with the girls, everything is wonderful. When children know that their father will help, teach, they will always be fine. Now the daughters have matured, they have wonderful friends, life is seething and happy. Observant children immediately understand what relationships are in the family, including in the homes of friends and classmates. Do they want to kiss dad there? And mom? Do children listen to them? And how do parents say: how sensible or how stupid? Can they be trusted? And the parents themselves have achieved something in life, does anyone respect them? Children are not stupid, they see everything.
— There is a problem that worries, perhaps, all conscious parents. The number of cases where children post bullying, beatings and rape online is growing and growing. As a journalist, I have been in three prisons, including for juveniles. The head of the Mozhaisk colony, who had worked there for thirty years, said that now it was just a wave of crimes that had nothing to do with profit, cruelty for the sake of cruelty. Why are kids behaving like this?
“I can only have thoughts. First: what is horror for us is horror, children who have not been taught empathy perceive it as a game. Cruelty is our adult assessment. Who is most indifferent to children’s crying? Children. I am now saying terrible things, but the nightmare and violence from our point of view for them are still frames from the film.
— Beating to the point of blood, to the point of death, I believe, is perceived by children as something abnormal.
“We are already coming to the end. But if you do not teach children human, leaving them without guidance, we can get Golding’s Lord of the Flies. Children love experiences. They are not afraid of pain, more precisely, the thirst for emotions and adventures is stronger than the fear of pain. Children who are not «ruled» go to fights, horror movies, hang around bad places. They do not think that if they risk their lives, they are setting up their loved ones, they are indifferent. Ill-bred children do not think about their parents, about the consequences, about society. I came to the conclusion that parenting according to the female model is not parenting. The only effective model was the method of Anton Semenovich Makarenko. His approach is army discipline and hard methods. Children are firmly told: this is possible, but this is impossible.
— That is, now they have begun to raise children less?
— Exactly. And I repeat: women’s education is not education. Modern families are built like this: dad listens to mom, mom listens to the child, the child serves the ginger cat. In this situation, there is no upbringing until the pope achieves respect and takes the position of head of the family. The vowel ideology of women’s culture is to live with feelings, not with your head. And that’s how children live. A woman is always right, that is, everything that she feels is true. And to live with your head is to be a robot, isn’t it? The destruction of male culture leads to what we are seeing now.
There is hope that the effect of self-healing is laid in society. There is a fashion for this or that pedagogy. Every 20-40 years we learn to teach differently. In the 30s and 40s, pedagogy was rigid, almost totalitarian. Then came the humanistic pathos and — «all the best for the children», we support the weakest and most disadvantaged. For the last ten years, a wave has been rising behind the euro, parents have reached the point. Books began to appear on the topic “do not be afraid to be firm”, “do not be afraid to put things in order”, “children are not the main ones in the family”. Parents under the Constitution have the right and duty to raise a child. Now, some mothers will not decide on pregnancy until they receive permission from their eldest son or daughter. This is a dead end. We reach complete absurdity, we begin to shudder little by little and think: “Listen, maybe we have already taxied somewhere in the wrong place?”
— The point is, probably, not just the sex of the educator. What do you think women fail to do when interacting with children?
— Women, according to existing studies, are generally more anxious, tend to be sure that people around them are also filled with fears and tend to see psychological trauma where they are not close. They often regret and categorically refuse to use any harsh methods of education. Moreover, I checked on many of my students from the University of Practical Psychology, and these are adults, developed people with higher education, they do not have intonations that a child will obey.
What are these intonations?
— The key point: the intonation should go down, not be interrogative, which is just natural for women. This upvote is an attention grabber. When you increase intonation in the middle of a phrase, then this is normal, but if at the end, then it loses its power. I had to invite a public speaking teacher for my course, and in two days he taught all the students how to speak confidently. Without special training, a woman is not able to communicate with children according to the “no sooner said than done” model. And then she has to persuade («Don’t upset your mother»), bribe («And I’ll let you do this»). As a result: children get used to it — they just don’t do anything, and either their mother, or subsequently the boss, or life should dance around them and in no case injure them. “And what are they, so bad, demanding that I immediately sit down and do it right now ?!”
— One of the biggest fears of women is that the child will not love you, so it’s hard to be tough.
— This is a typical fear, children easily read it and go ahead of themselves. For example, they say: “Mom, you don’t love me. You don’t love me and dad at all. Here, in another family, they love the child, they already bought him a new iPhone, but you don’t love me … no, mom, I don’t believe. Plus, parents themselves read, for example, on the Internet, that if a child has a lack of desire and energy to do something, then this is because he does not love himself. And he does not love himself because he did not feed on parental love. In pop psychotherapy, such tales are tenacious. On the Web, just open an article, and there … «start with love for a child, unconditional love should be the basis of education.» Do we really understand what unconditional love is? Whatever the child does, no matter how he behaves (but he really “didn’t do it”, didn’t do his homework, didn’t wash himself), how do we treat him? “Good girl, let me kiss you!” There are two problematic types of parents. Some of them just yell at children, while others evaluate, take a closer look: “Child, if you are not useful to me, I will not deal with you.” And such parents can be asked the question: “Why did you give birth to a child? Do you love him? Is he of any interest to you? Do you want to create life for him, give him a future? So what are you yelling? Don’t yell! Talking about unconditional love with such troubled parents is disorienting.
— Now you often hear about the fear of having children, because in our time they need the same toys as adults, with rare exceptions. A child is a consumer, demanding and emotional…
— In the families of smart people with huge financial opportunities, children are brought up in almost Spartan conditions. Nobody just gives them anything, they all earn, and this is a family culture. In the homes of programmers from Silicon Valley, the creators of the most popular games, programs and applications, children are forbidden to use gadgets, play a lot of computer games. And no matter what happens outside, in a normal family there is a dad, he says in plain text: “Children, there are such orders and values in our family. You talk to me about other families. Do I understand correctly that you would like to live there? Let me talk, maybe someone needs you. You tell me, do you want to live in our family or in another? You know, my children and I never had any questions, they said they wanted to be here, because we are great parents. You just need to be cool, and then whatever you say, the children will accept. We will discuss all purchases at the family council. “Please justify why, among all the expenses, we should buy something for you, what it will give for your development and for the interests of the family. If you can prove that the new iPhone means growth and perspectives, that it is better than helping your grandparents, then, of course, we will buy it.” Or: “Show me what your labor contribution is. How much dad works, you know. And how long do you work? I had the feeling that you were watching TV or playing on the computer for forty minutes. Why didn’t you come up to dad and ask how you can help? Please, he will tell you how to earn money for a new iPhone. What is the name of a person who solves his problems at the expense of others? Our family knows this well, as they know in Sintone: Parasite! And what about our children, Parasites? No indeed! This is how all bad conversations end. I sometimes ask my girls: “How are you going to raise your children? Parasite or not? And they have a long time ago excellent, correct answers.
— What can you say about money in a relationship with a child? Some parents pay their children for help or grades.
— In a family with good relations, you can do anything. Otherwise, money cannot be allowed close to education. The only thing: there were studies that showed that children can be paid money in the first grade and only for one thing — for reading. Children at first do not like to read very much, because they do not know how well. But if they are involved in this business, even through money, then six months pass, they master reading, books become pleasant for them, they get involved and read avidly. In other cases, when there is no parental authority, playing with money leads to negative consequences. And in good families — please. Sometimes I can say: «Children, you need help, and I will pay you for it.» After all, I love them and want them to learn how to earn money. But this does not mean that they now have the right to pull money from me, this is my gift to my beloved children and remains goodwill. Children cannot demand anything from their parents. The power in the family belongs to the elders. All the best for adults! And then the children will have an incentive to grow up and get smarter. Only the elder should show that he dominates not in order to mock children, but in order to take care of children, create prospects for them. And when your sons and daughters see that your family is more fun, there is love, help and preparation for the future, you can not be afraid of either dad or mom, they will support your decisions. Maybe sometimes not right away.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.