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The tasks that modern parents have to solve are sometimes very contradictory. Simplifying somewhat, the main question that worries parents can be formulated as follows: how to properly educate? And are there any rules here?
We strive to raise our child as a free-thinking, independent person who will make decisions on his own, not adjusting to the momentary demands of society. And at the same time, we expect that he, while remaining autonomous, will feel easy and at ease in any team, will look well-mannered, sociable.
How to connect these, somewhat opposite, parent requests? How can we instill in children the ability to obey the rules of the team and at the same time act independently? How to build respectful, equal relations with them and at the same time be an authority for them?
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Psychologies experts, existential psychologist Svetlana Krivtsova and child psychologist Galia Nigmetzhanova answered these and other questions from our readers. This meeting took place at the end of 2013 at the non/fiction book fair and aroused great interest among visitors.
Psychologies: With what request, what wish do parents come to a psychologist today for a consultation?
Galiya Nigmetzhanova: The request is quite often formulated as follows: “I want my child to grow up as a free, creative person and at the same time he would not be a black sheep in society, he would not be a non-conformist, and that he would not be pointed at him.” I would say that this is the main request. All other wishes follow from this. “I want the child to choose the food that he likes, but at the same time not throw semolina at other children, so that he understands what is decent and what is not.” And so it is in every field.
Meeting participant: Our family has a slightly different problem. My grandson can’t take care of himself. He is in the second grade and if someone called him names, offended him, he immediately complains to the teacher. His father says: you can’t complain to your elders, you have to figure it out yourself, learn to hit back, fight. But I believe that the grandson should be educated, I do not want him to respond with cruelty to his offenders. How and what should I tell him? How can he take care of himself?
Galiya Nigmetzhanova: This is an open parental question: what should I say to the child at one time or another? What should it support? What shouldn’t be supported? The child does not become autonomous overnight. And the task of adults is to give him the opportunity more and more, step by step, to resolve his conflicts on his own, without resorting to the support of adults. Agree, what was good in the kindergarten group (turning to the teacher for help) is no longer good at school. Regarding cruelty, you are right: the worst way is to resolve issues with the help of open aggression. Because sooner or later you will meet with even more aggression. You must be able to negotiate, explain your position, resolve your issues in a dialogue.
Meeting participant: Even if the child is barely 8 years old?
Galiya Nigmetzhanova: I believe that at the age of 8 a child is perfectly capable of negotiating, by this age he should already have received the basic skills of this skill from adults.
Svetlana Krivtsova: Is your grandson eight years old? How does he treat you? Sincerely? Do you have a tradition at home to sit, drink tea and discuss what is happening in his life? There is? Wonderful. So, in the evening, you can calmly discuss with your child what happened at school, and find out who opposed him in the conflict? How old is his abuser? Where did it take place and who was present? You need to unobtrusively talk and understand the picture. Because there is no one right answer for everything. I admit that in some situation he will have to fight. Therefore, it is important to teach him to consider each situation separately. Not always behave in the same way, but decide: in this case, should I fight or can I resolve the conflict differently? It is important that adults do not give the child specific answers and recommendations. The best thing is to ask in detail about everything, and then ask: what do you think? What would be right in this situation? Let him analyze and try on different options. If he wants to complain – let him do it and see if he liked it or not? And next time, let him try to do as dad advised: hit back and then listen to himself again. The consequences also have a taste! Yes, it’s work. But for parents and grandparents, this is the most interesting job that can be in life!
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Galiya Nigmetzhanova: In this difficult work, you can fulfill a very important mission – to provide real safety for your child. Because he grows up in safety not when he avoids bruises or fights, but when his loved ones can share his feelings with him – this is the most important thing.
Psychologies: Modern parents are no longer as domineering and categorical as their parents, they learn to listen and trust their children. But in stressful, emotionally intense situations, when the cold mind is overshadowed by emotions, we often wake up attitudes and behaviors inherited from authoritarian parents – scream, threaten, punish … How to get out of such situations? And in general, how to find the golden mean between authoritarianism and condescension?
Galiya Nigmetzhanova: The child will understand and forgive your cry, emotional breakdown, if it was spontaneous, sincere. But at the same time, it is important, having already calmed down, to return to this situation and explain to the child why you said that or behaved that way. Such an act of yours will definitely work for your authority.
And speaking in general… Today, adults have a harder time than the parents of the Soviet era, whose authority was supported by the broad community. “Respect your parents” – this a priori attitude was absorbed by each of us from birth and did not require proof. And in a respectful attitude of children towards adults, the merits of a particular father or mother might not have been.
Svetlana Krivtsova: Let’s go back even earlier – after all, this is the tradition of pre-revolutionary education. Both the noble and the peasant families had their own vertical, where dad was always higher than mom. I remember my grandmother, who ran everything at home and was, of course, the real head of a large family. Grandparents lived on the seashore, and in the summer a lot of grandchildren came to them, it was not easy to cope with them. But my grandmother most often succeeded. And the most terrible threat to the children was her words, from which my knees are still shaking: “I’ll have to tell my grandfather.” Now I already understand that my grandfather was the quietest, gentlest person who himself obeyed his grandmother in everything. But the children and grandchildren did not think so! They knew that grandfather was the head of the family, the king. And this hierarchy made it very easy for my grandmother to manage the household.
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Galiya Nigmetzhanova: Now parents do not have this broad social support. You yourself, one on one with your child, earn your authority. How? Here in those very intimate conversations that we talked about above – in those conversations where you can express your point of view on various issues, day after day. Sooner or later it will work: in a difficult situation, at the moment of choice, this boy or girl will remember: “But my mother told me”, “But my father thinks …”. Even if at a certain age the child actively protests, devaluing everything that you say, he still unconsciously retains in his memory all your joint conversations, your assessments, opinions.
But those parental methods of influence that are associated with manipulation – the methods of a stick or a carrot, well known to everyone – they are very simple and much more effective immediately, in the short term, than the long way of conversations and communication that I spoke about. But be prepared for the fact that the child will use the same methods in relation to you. This is the boomerang effect. Constant battles will begin between you: who will outplay whom on the manipulative field.
Svetlana Krivtsova: The best thing parents can do is guide the child. Show him the context of the situation and explain what will follow certain actions. Show what moves are possible and what consequences are inevitable. You do this, you get this, and this is followed by this. Look, do you need it?
Conversation member: But what if the child answers: “Yes! Necessary! I want to experience everything and I want to make mistakes myself!” And I, an adult, understand that there are mistakes that cannot be corrected later. How to avoid pressure and coercion in such a situation? Is it right to avoid pressure?
Galiya Nigmetzhanova: The main thing is to have a serious, fateful conversation not at the peak of the conflict. In the heat of the moment, anyone can say anything. To be rude, to put forward an ultimatum, to offend… Therefore, at the peak of the conflict, the most important thing is to stop, to stop aggression. If a child in a fit of temper shouted to you: “You are a fool and do not understand anything!”, You must immediately show that such behavior towards the mother (grandmother) is unacceptable. The conversation is over, period. There should be no further discussion. All other contexts you will analyze later, when you both calm down.
Svetlana Krivtsova: The second most important rule is not to follow the drive-and-forget mindset. You need to catch the moment when you are both in a good mood, and say: “You know, I still have a feeling of reluctance. Let’s now return to this issue and discuss what happened.
Conversation participant: It seems to me that today the relationship between parents and children is becoming somehow familiar. A daughter may refer to her mother by her first name as a friend. They can have an excellent relationship, they discuss everything, tell each other, consult, they have excellent contact. But what about authority? He must be something else.
Svetlana Krivtsova: Of course, the concept of authority involves some distance. Not a feeling of fear, but respect, reverence.
Galiya Nigmetzhanova: The way they call each other in the family is a slightly different story, it is not connected with authority. Maybe mom just doesn’t want everyone to know what kind of adult son or daughter she has? But does this mean that a mother is not an authority for a child? No, this is a different story. But your phrase “they are like friends” sounds very disturbing to me. Parents should not be girlfriends to their children, they should remain parents, adults.
Conversation participant: Even for an eighteen-year-old boy or girl?
Svetlana Krivtsova: At any age, no matter how old we are, when we communicate with our parents, the child we once was wakes up in us. And this inner child of ours is latent – at any age! expects parents to act like adults. We expect parents to give an adult, fair assessment of the situation. Of course, our expectations are not always justified, there are also perversions – when parents become helpless, when adult children suddenly realize that their mother is infantile, that she has not grown up. And in this case, they have no choice but to live their lives and, perhaps, become a support for their mother. Become adults.
What is the difference between the adult “I” and the infantile? It is stronger, more open, it has fewer blinders, and due to this, a wider view. An adult looks not only at himself, but also at other people too. He takes into account not only his own interests, he sees the situation in context, he sees how one or another of our actions will affect other people. And this adult look, decision, position, children really expect from us, always, at any age. And please, be adults for them.