“As soon as you fall asleep, immediately lie down,” mom advises. “Spit on household chores, only take care of the child,” recommends an experienced sister. “Don’t forget to take care of yourself,” reminds a friend. But when there is a baby in the house, and there is no experience yet, it can be difficult to keep up with everything. It is good when the child is calm and sleeps sweetly at night. And if not?
Some young mothers complain: “I don’t have time to brush my teeth”, “going to the shower is a whole thing, I can’t move away from the child”, “I don’t remember when I had breakfast calmly — even if he is sleeping, I try to combine both food and cooking, and more reply to messages.
Every mother finds her own way in the end. There is an element in cognitive behavioral therapy known as behavioral activation. It is a flexible, evidence-based approach to meeting the challenges of each new phase of life.
Predominantly, this approach includes behavior that lifts the spirits. Clinical psychologist Lindsay Brower offers three ways to apply behavioral activation in the postpartum period.
1. Sleep and self-care: finding balance. If sleep interferes with self-care—like showering and eating—then the ratio needs to be shifted a bit. It makes sense to make a list of «minimal» daily self-care. It will include the essentials that help maintain behavioral activation and reduce the risk of depression. For some, this is a daily shower and the opportunity to have a calm and full breakfast.
For others, it’s an opportunity to “draw eyebrows” or style their hair. And for someone — at least brushing your teeth as a nightly ritual. These activities take time and may vary depending on the child’s behavior, characteristics and stage of development. It is important to be flexible here, but remember to stick to at least the minimum from the list.
Experts recommend using the newborn schedule in the mother’s interests. Perhaps one daytime sleep of the child will be a period of relaxation for her, when you can just “downcast” the TV with the baby in her arms. And the other is a productive time for taking care of yourself.
2. Activities for yourself. What parent hasn’t heard the advice, «Remember to do something for yourself»? Everything, of course, depends on what is possible in the current circumstances. The easiest way to achieve this goal is to combine business with pleasure. For example, if you have to wash the dishes, then to your favorite music. And when the child does not want to sleep and you have to carry him in your arms, turn on a pleasant series.
Taking care of yourself also helps with activities that increase your sense of control. For example, sort out clothes, wash bottles, or call a friend. As strange as it may sound, simple tasks that help you get results quickly can go a long way in helping young parents regain their strength and energy.
The reason is that the current main activity does not give them such a sense of achievement, because raising a child is a long process, and the result can not be seen soon.
3. Caution with duties. “I have to call my second cousin”, “I have to take care of dinner”, “I have to wash the sink”… According to psychologists, obligations are a dangerous path from beneficial behavioral activation to the risks of developing depression. Sometimes these “I must” seem feasible, but not always, given that the resources of a young mother are limited, and there are many worries. How to be?
Focus on daily accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem. And remember that before, when a woman could do much more, she was in a different situation and other circumstances. Perhaps today the child did not sleep well, and the mother could not sleep. Or he has colic, anxiety — but you never know what else. Then the woman’s resources are naturally limited.
Therefore, if, in addition to taking care of the child, a mother is able to fulfill at least the indicated minimum for herself, it’s already good. Perhaps tomorrow it will be easier and it will be possible to do something else. The main thing is to focus on your achievements, and not on what is not done.
Basically, it all comes down to finding a balance. Sleep, take care of yourself, do housework when possible. Ultimately, each mom finds her options, and life becomes much more streamlined.
About the author: Lindsay Brower is a clinical psychologist.