How to distinguish «healthy» narcissism from «unhealthy»?

Articles about dating and relationships often talk about narcissism, but the term is often misused, says family therapist Marnie Feerman. When the word «narcissist» is used in ordinary conversation, most often it is still a variant of the norm, and not a pathology called narcissistic personality disorder.

“If your partner is a narcissist, it will be very difficult for you to achieve emotional closeness and mutual trust, because he thinks first of all about himself and his interests and therefore is emotionally closed,” he explains.

It is likely that such a partner will simply use you without giving anything in return, and because of this, a serious imbalance will arise in the relationship. It is also worth remembering that narcissism can turn into real sociopathy, so relationships with a severe narcissist can be downright dangerous.

«Healthy» vs. «Unhealthy» Narcissism: What’s the Difference?

All of us are tired, irritable, exhausted due to stress. We all sometimes think only of ourselves, ignoring the feelings, desires and needs of others. Each of us from time to time someone criticizes or even shows aggression.

Normal, healthy self-love helps us stay optimistic and confident despite these and other negative emotions. However, in those suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, self-love goes beyond all bounds.

The fifth edition of the US Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) describes narcissistic personality disorder as «a persistent sense of one’s own superiority, a constant desire to be admired, a lack of empathy.» Diagnosis requires the presence of at least 5 of the 9 signs:

• The notion of one’s own uniqueness.
• Constant fantasies about your own unlimited success, power, brilliant mind, incredible beauty.
• The conviction of such a person that he or she is an exceptional, extraordinary person who should only interact with equally exceptional people and organizations.
• Desire to be the object of undeserved admiration.
• The belief that he/she is allowed more than others.
• Tendency to dominate other people in interpersonal relationships.
• Lack or lack of empathy.
• Persistent resentment towards others or the belief that others hold grudges against him or her.
• The manifestation of selfishness and narcissism in behavior or attitude towards others.

Harvard Medical School psychologist Craig Malkin identified three key features of narcissism:

1. Narcissists exploit others. They are ready for anything, including deceit and manipulation, to satisfy their needs.
2. Narcissists believe that they owe everything and they have the right to everything. They often react with outbursts of rage to rejection.
3. Narcissists lack empathy. From the outside it may seem that they are capable of empathy, but it quickly disappears if it is not in the interests of the narcissist or he is preoccupied with his own experiences.

How to know when it’s time to run away

If you suspect that your partner is a real narcissist, here are three warning signs that should not be ignored. Any of them is a reason to immediately end the relationship.

1. Violence or abuse

First of all, we are talking about physical violence, but in no case should psychological violence be tolerated. This can be constant criticism, insults, contempt, swearing, gaslighting (when a partner tries to make you question your perception of reality).

The responsibility for such behavior lies entirely with him, not with you. With this approach, healthy relationships are impossible.

2. Denial of problems

If a partner behaves in an unworthy way, at least he should admit it: “I understand everything, but I can’t control myself, I need help.” If he is unable to see his own problems, he will never be able to solve them.

3. Recognitions sociopathies

Constantly lying without remorse can be a sign of not just a lack of empathy, but a complete lack of it, that is, sociopathy. The likelihood that a sociopathic narcissist will change behavior is virtually zero. If you understand that the partner is just that, run before it’s too late.

An arrogant and hostile attitude on the part of a partner can awaken the worst qualities in us. We either begin to tiptoe around him so as not to provoke him, or, on the contrary, break down in response, making scandals. Neither is conducive to a healthy and prosperous relationship.

“If it’s safe, try to be honest and open with him about what you think. However, by no means do this if there is a real risk of physical violence, ”says Marni Feerman.

Here’s an approach that’s likely to help arouse your partner’s empathy for you.

1. Remind him that your relationship is very important to you.
2. Openly, without fear of appearing vulnerable, talk about what you are experiencing: longing, fear, loneliness, shame, thirst for love, etc. For example, you can say, “You are very important to me, so when you ignore me, I feel abandoned, unwanted, and useless.” Or: «You mean so much to me that when you criticize all my decisions, it seems to me that you do not appreciate me at all.»

If your partner is even slightly capable of empathy, your frankness should at least soften his attitude towards you. If this does not happen, this is an alarming sign, it is worth thinking about breaking up the relationship. Finally, if a narcissistic partner refuses psychotherapy, this is also a serious reason to think about the prospects for a relationship.